Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Wasn't sure whether to post this on the healthy sex board or this one but its about our relationship so I went for this one!
My H is playing games with me, withholding sex. I think he's punishing me and Im not sure how to handle it. Do I play it cool? Have it out with him ( where he would deny it obviously!)
My H usually wants and needs sex every morning and sometimes in the afternoon.
Lately its dropped to twice a week at most.
He is still saying he loves me but doesn't feel right.
A few weeks ago I mis-fueled his car. A stupid mistake and it cost 200 to drain the tank and refuel with the correct fuel!
oooo he lost his temper when I told him. I thought it was best to be honest about it. I could have just pet it to myself as I paid cash he wouldn't have known. He went mental, telling me I had to go to the cash point and get the money to repay him ( which was stupid as I only have what he gives me, so its all his money anyway !) and he then cancelled a weekend trip to see my daughter to 'teach me a lesson' he said.
SO yesterday I took 50 out of the cash machine. He told me to take out 40 bu it wouldn't let me it had to be 50 increments.
He 'told me off' when I got home last night about it.
So I don't react really just be normal and pleasant, not get into a row. So I send him a sweet text saying I am on my way home, I need you and love you, please lovely husband take a Bluey and lets have an early night.
Well I got the cold shoulder and he just said he didn't want to and he wasn't going to.
I feel like theres some sort of power play going on here.
Definitely withholding sex.
Hes also miffed that I am starting my own business and am busier than I normally am, so not so available.
So what do I do?
My H is playing games with me, withholding sex. I think he's punishing me and Im not sure how to handle it. Do I play it cool? Have it out with him ( where he would deny it obviously!)
My H usually wants and needs sex every morning and sometimes in the afternoon.
Lately its dropped to twice a week at most.
He is still saying he loves me but doesn't feel right.
A few weeks ago I mis-fueled his car. A stupid mistake and it cost 200 to drain the tank and refuel with the correct fuel!
oooo he lost his temper when I told him. I thought it was best to be honest about it. I could have just pet it to myself as I paid cash he wouldn't have known. He went mental, telling me I had to go to the cash point and get the money to repay him ( which was stupid as I only have what he gives me, so its all his money anyway !) and he then cancelled a weekend trip to see my daughter to 'teach me a lesson' he said.
SO yesterday I took 50 out of the cash machine. He told me to take out 40 bu it wouldn't let me it had to be 50 increments.
He 'told me off' when I got home last night about it.
So I don't react really just be normal and pleasant, not get into a row. So I send him a sweet text saying I am on my way home, I need you and love you, please lovely husband take a Bluey and lets have an early night.
Well I got the cold shoulder and he just said he didn't want to and he wasn't going to.
I feel like theres some sort of power play going on here.
Definitely withholding sex.
Hes also miffed that I am starting my own business and am busier than I normally am, so not so available.
So what do I do?
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I need some plot development ideas for a book I'm writing. Here's the lead in:------@1630 she texted me, asking for gas money. "Are u at work? I have to work in a couple hours I don't have any gas barely I was wondering if u had 20$ by chance haven't been able to get any massages in I'm sorry to ask was just seeing"She agreed to meet me at the townhouse @1730. I asked her to call me before...
when I say he says he loves me but it doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel right to me, thats not him saying that.
Your husband has been abusing you for years, now he has come up with yet another form of abuse to entertain himself. He may also be having an affair, as many abusers do.
There is only one good way to handle it, but you already told us that it is not for you.
One of the reasons Im starting my own business is as a step further towards being independent of him if I want to be.
Although I do feel also that it would be in my best interest if he was the one who ended itor does have an affair. Im sure he isn't yet but is going cold on me. I think he feels his financial worries are my fault. But he was in serious debt when I met him, it was only recently he told me he had over 70k debts. So his finances are really not my issue. He's already told me he doesn't want me to have anything to do with the money. He pursues a life style he cannot afford.
To be honest, I don't think there is much you can do about this, other than accept this is the way he is, or leave him. I don't believe he will ever change, no matter how perfect you are, or approach him (nice or bitchy) about the topic.
Please don't take it personal the way he's treating you, he is what he is, and has been this way for a long time. He will not change for you unless something pretty drastic happens (chronic illness/ death bed, loses his job/ major financial disaster, whatever).
He was this way with his exes, and replaced them easily (cheated), he will do the same to you. When things do not go his way (which could be on a whim).
Again I am so sorry..Please take care of you (and your kid(s)) first, and have a backup exit plan in place.
If his debt was acquire before your marriage, most ir not all states, no you're not obligated to pay half. But what debt was acquired after you married, most if not all states, yes you are obligated to pay half that debt. Though it may be subtracted from any assets you acquired during your marriage (including assets acquired in *your* business). So if you started a business after you were married, he may receive half of those assets. Make sense?
So please be careful of that.
Most lawyers will give a free initial consultation (even if you're just thinking about divorce, planning). However if it were me, I'd probably just say I'm planning to divorce, shopping for attorneys. Some attorneys will not required you to retain them after that (some might), but most will require you to pay them some kind of hourly fee after the free initial consultation (which I think is well worth it, given your circumstances-know your rights, in your state).
If you are midst of starting your own business, making money on that (building assets), and your H is in major debt (going futher into debt), this could be a huge deal if you were to divorce.
I have read all your other posts about this man and I am sorry but I agree with the others. He is abusive and my suggestion would be to GET OUT!
But for some reason you keep hanging on to him. Only you know why.
I am not trying to be mean to you.
You seem like a wonderful lovely woman and you deserve to be treated as such and he just does not do that.
Have you considered trying a "date night"? Make plans for a big day or night out together. Find a time and milieu where you can both be at your best. Ensure that he is at least enthusiastic about going along with it. A week or two before the event, spend a little bit of quality time together planning, but don't forget to watch the budget. For a couple of days before, try to avoid issues that might spoil the occasion, then just let the anticipation build.
On your date, don't push your partner too far beyond his comfort zone. Hopefully he will show you the same respect. If that doesn't bring you closer together, you will need to pray for some sort of natural disaster.
He is also my employer.
Date nights I know can only be planned by him. I have tried before and he always finds a reason not to, unless he has planned it of course.
x
If you grew up in a place where this behavior is normal, it may seem normal and familiar to you. However, you know it is not normal and not right, otherwise it wouldn't bother you so much.
You are being abused, and according to some posters here, have been so for a long time, yet you call it, "silly game playing...".
Something else that is very telltale of your condition is when you ask, "but why is the answer always to leave?".
It is clear that you are suffering from a form of battered wife syndrome. You need to seek professional help, as this type of relationship is not healthy for you to sustain any longer.
Seek the assistance of a woman's shelter in order to get some free services and individual counselling without him knowing.
I wish you clarity.