wake up call.
thank you

"but why is the answer always to leave?"

Because you're not going to change him. You can only change yourself. And you can better change yourself in the absence of his highly aggressive, controlling company. He exerts a powerful influence, a hold, on you!

yeh he does for sure.
Thanks KM

Because he knows he can; he knows you'll let him. You're welcome. Whatever you decide, good luck to you.

I have been thinking about some of your responses. I was pretty shocked by the reactions to be honest.
I never really see how I am in an abusive relationship but I am beginning to come to terms with that concept.

I have a lot of work to do on myself, yes I clearly have issues to deal with. I know I am co-D and have a history of childhood sex abuse which probably affects my attitude towards him and sex.

I thank you for your honesty and the clarity I am SLOWLY getting about my situation!

I hope things get better.. You deserve better. Nobody should be treated this way. A person who loves you does not call you " a fucking bitch" for putting the water hose on the wrong way.
They should not call you names no matter what you do.
You are a smart woman. Frequently people who were abused as children pick abusers for mates because it feels familiar. Suppressing effects of abuse makes you numb. Nubmness makes you permissive for more abuse.
Hope you succeed in gettint your life back.

I am so happy that you are starting to see things a bit more clearly Sunny. You deserve so much better!

xxoo

I married and divorced and abuse person. And she is still doing it through my children, and our dealings together with them. I know it's hard to break free, but when you finally do and look back at things you lived with, you will feel a lot better about yourself for having the strength to stand up for yourself.

I don't need to know any more. It is obvious you have married a controller. No matter what you do...it's going to be wrong...that how they play. Set you up to lose. Sorry I don't have any good advice for you.

I haven't read your other posts... I don't need to, to see that this man has been abusing you for so many years that you think it is normal. Everything that he is doing to you, he does because you allowed it to happen. He has broken you down psychologically to the point where you are beyond codependancy. You will never heal if you do not get out of this relationship. If you are strong enough to get up and stand up to this abuse, it could become dangerous! flying off the handle while you tolerate it is one thing, but if you stand up to him, chances are he will beat you to a pulp. You have to decide how safe you feel with him. If you think he is more bravado then stand up to him. Nobody can do anything to you which you do not allow. I WAS IN THE SAME SITUATION. It kept going for years until one day. One very scary night where I was prepared to face death in the face. My insides shook but I knew, this was the day where either him or myself is gonna end up dead. He was out. I texted him and I told him. This is it. Either you or I will end up dead tonight. I am waiting for you with a cast iron pan in my hand. If you as much as remove your hands from your side, I will kill you, and if I end up dead in the process, so be it. You have yelled at me for the LAST time, you have broken cutlery for the last time. If neither of us die tonight, then the next time you even slightly raise your voice I will be out of here and you will NEVER see me or hear from me again. I did not expect what happened to happen. He has NEVER ever lost his temper after that again.... EVER. it has been two years. I'm not saying that will happen to you, but I tolerated his abuse for 4 years until that night, and it was all gone. Still is. If he tries to yell at me, I will get in my car and leave. I will stay in a hotel if I have to, but I will not stand there and let him yell at me. You can't change another person's behaviour but you CAN change YOURS. You do not have to stand there while he throws a fit. Walk out the door, and tell him, I will not be back until you calm down and talk to me the way I deserve to be talked to. I am not your slave, I am your wife, so if you don't start treating me like your wife, do not expect me to treat you like a husband. So get the fuck out of my face until you can behave yourself like a human being.

OH and regarding the sex? Let ME tell you what will fix that asshole right up. If he refuses you sex, you get yourself a sex toy and lie in bed RIGHT WHERE HE CAN SEE you, and you go to town. You show him: Buddy if you don't want to help me, I will help myself. I PROMISE you, you will take the wind right out of his lungs... He will have NO clue what to do, AND you have take that power away from him alltogether. He will realize he has screwed himself over. You need to take the power he has over you, BACK! I know this suggestion might make you feel really weird, BUT believe you friggin me, I have given this advice to others and it fixed the situation right up. So even if you feel embarrassed over taking such a step, FAKE IT. Act like you are having the biggest orgasm you have ever had in your life.... yell your lungs out. If you take my advice you will have taken control of the situation which he has controlled for long enough. SOMETHING will change, believe you me.

wow musclegirl.
god for you!
Thanks for the advice, I will take it and use it! love honey.co.uk here I come,

I'm glad I could help. Women are NOT powerless. The problem is when your head is not on strait, you struggle to come up with a plan. We are created to survive, but surviving is not how we should live. We should thrive in the love of our husbands, and if they withold that from us, there is something wrong with them. Do not make yourself a doormat, then he won't wipe his feet on you. If he gives you the cold shoulder, screw him, take up a hobby and get busy. The retarded shit he does is to affect you badly to get HIS way. So if you do not react to ANY of his games then obviously he can't keep playing them now can he? If you are planning on staying with this man, you are in for a HUGE job. Because this dude needs fixing, and if you can't play the game you need to get out because he will hurt and destroy you. the fact that you are always the "needy" party and asking for peace and love is just reinforcing his bad behaviour. You CAN do this and things WILL change, either worse or better, but change will take place. You GO GIRL, go to love uk and buy yourself the biggest vibrator you can find, and you SHOW him you are not to be toyed with.

ha! yup I actually have quite a collection anyway!!!
He is quite clumsy during sex so I can often get 'jumpy' when he comes near me or touches me. He gets cross! Maybe I should try tearing at him with torn nails or biting his nipple too hard! eta see how he likes it!
I am standing up to him more, he just kind of runs off when I do. Goes quiet. Like one minute he's my Dad and the next a child.
I am aware what is missing from our relationship I just can't see a way out just yet.

You just gotta LOVE muscle girl!!!!