Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

9,963 Members
13,641 Posts
1 Online
Relationships & Sexuality
/ Healthy Relationships Support Group

Help me understand her behavior

gabriel2012
gabriel2012
Help me understand this. She tells me at 6.30 pm that I can call her at the usual time, at 9 pm, but that she does not promise she will be able to get the call then because she will be busy preparing for work tomorrow, washing her hair, drying it, etc. I believe that part. Then she says if she cannot answer at 9 she will call me later when she is done. I tell her that we don't have to talk, I just want to have a chance to say goodnight. At 10.30 she texts me she is drying her hair. I text back saying OK I'll wait for you. Then nothing. I finally text her to ask her if she has gone to bed. She texts yes she has, she is exhausted. I believe that too. BUT WHY THE FUCK DID SHE NOT CALL ME OR TEXT ME SHE WAS GOING TO BED, GOODNIGHT. It would only have taken a second. Maybe she did not understand. But I thought I was clear. I don't know. She I feel she is blowing me off too often. On Thursday she answered my call at lunch and said she was busy and would call back in a sec. She called at 6 pm because she said she got caught up in lunch with her peers. Again, why not text me she changed plans. On Saturday she has a problem with her son. Why not text me and tell me that? WHAT IS HER PROBLEM? Is she just tired of me? Or she does not have good manners? She has done the lunch thing a few times, and only occasionally she texts me to tell me she is having lunch with her peers. Am I overreacting? Please explain to me tonight's behavior. It seems in all of these occasions she did not want to talk to me but she does not have the balls to tell me so she comes up with some way to fill up her time BUT DOES NOT TELL ME SHE WILL NOT CALL ME OR ANSWER THE PHONE. I have a hunch that this is a behavior she learned from being in two abusive relationships. Maybe these guys got aggressive when she wanted to do something different that what they expected so she learned to never say no. SHe just would not do it but would not say she would not do it. To avoid yelling and abuse. Or maybe she does not like me anymore. Or maybe she has bad manners. I am confused. Please help.
gabriel2012
gabriel2012
She has expressed the same feeling described in the article, about feeling that if she gets into a relationship then its hard to get out if things don't work out. What your article calls a phobia of feeling trapped.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Ok I'm gonna say it.

She's playing games with you.

She hasn't changed. She STILL only likes guys who don't treat her well. These are the SAME dynamics that landed her in abusive relationships.

I don't like blaming the victim, but C'MON. It's her own doing and preferences that landed her with guys who abuse her.

Start ignoring you and she'll come running back. But once that happens you'll know what I'm saying is true. Do you REALLY want a woman who only wants you when you don't want her, and doesn't want you when you do?
deleted_user
deleted_user
Was this an internet relationship? Meaning have you two met and live in the same city? I'm confused with the distance?
gabriel2012
gabriel2012
She finally called. She told me she is in love with another man, who she was in love with for a long time. A married man. But she pursued me in fb for 10 months and then we had a wonderful time together, sleeping together, etc. We had magic. But then she started flip=floping and told me it was her life that was too complicated. Now she tells me that she realizes she is stilll in love with that man. I am extremely sad. We had such a wonderful time together.
onetoomany
onetoomany
Well at least now you know and you can move on.

I know you feel sad.

But I hope you feel better soon.
gabriel2012
gabriel2012
Thanks beyondparadise. What you say makes a lot of sense to me. She has made A LOT of stupid decisions in her life with her two abusive partners in addition to choosing them. SHe is also raising her kid to be like them. He is big trouble. Ironically he really liked me and wanted me to be his mom's bf. Now she is making another smart decision, dumping a single highly educated and handsome man (her words) with whom she has a lot of fun for a small town married lawyer. She says she is following her heart. Well, that is how she ended up with 16 years of abusive relationships. That;s all she knows. Today she called the thing she had with the lawyer a relationship. Until today she told me they just got together for coffee. I asked her to call me tonight for 3 minutes to end in friendly terms. I ended up bickering with her and I dont want her to remember me that way. I want to say to her I enjoyed every minute I spent with her. Then I will go no contact forever. She texted she would call but its 10.30pm and she has not called. She will not call. She has done this repeatedly in the last two weeks. She just does not care any more. She has her married lawyer.
honey54
honey54
No point talking to her Gabriel, it doesn't sound like she's right for you. If it's really important for you to get it off your chest re what she meant to you why not send her a little card or short letter telling her. Keep it short and to the point......and don't expect a reply.....then go no contact!

Then you might have closure

Good luck
deleted_user
deleted_user
@gabriel

You don't have to be so distant. Just call or text her and await her response. if you text her today and she don't text till tomorrow, so be it. But I know how you feel. It'sl like once you call or send a text with no response she stays on your mind all day and night until you hear from her because you not sure what she is thinking about you.

It's obvious you're in too deep emotionally and she is not. Do not text or call her repeatedly until you hear back from her first.
gabriel2012
gabriel2012
#23, she was not answering my calls or texting because she was dumping me. So my intuition that something was wrong was correct. Thanks for your help.
gabriel2012
gabriel2012
Honey24, thank you. But wouldn't a note telling her how important she was to me look weak? This would decrease the chances of getting back together if she regrets her decision later. There is a significant chance that will happen given how much chemistry there was among us. Right now she is idealizing the lawyer who is married and might not go through with his plans to divorce his wife. He has not done so in the almost two years they have had the affair. I think he only wants her to be available to him, but not leave his wife. She will tolerate that because she comes from two abusive relationships. She tolerates a lot of shit.
honey54
honey54
@21 "I asked her to call me tonight for 3 minutes to end in friendly terms. I ended up bickering with her and I dont want her to remember me that way. I want to say to her I enjoyed every minute I spent with her. Then I will go no contact forever"

Sorry Gabriel, from what you said above I misunderstood and was suggesting a way you could tell her this before going non contact - I didn't realise you might still want a relationship with her
Posts You May Be Interested In
  • deleted_user

    Food Allergy?

    Posted by: deleted_user
    Last Reply: Iafaforallergy
    7
    My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...