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Help me understand her behavior

gabriel2012
gabriel2012
Help me understand this. She tells me at 6.30 pm that I can call her at the usual time, at 9 pm, but that she does not promise she will be able to get the call then because she will be busy preparing for work tomorrow, washing her hair, drying it, etc. I believe that part. Then she says if she cannot answer at 9 she will call me later when she is done. I tell her that we don't have to talk, I just want to have a chance to say goodnight. At 10.30 she texts me she is drying her hair. I text back saying OK I'll wait for you. Then nothing. I finally text her to ask her if she has gone to bed. She texts yes she has, she is exhausted. I believe that too. BUT WHY THE FUCK DID SHE NOT CALL ME OR TEXT ME SHE WAS GOING TO BED, GOODNIGHT. It would only have taken a second. Maybe she did not understand. But I thought I was clear. I don't know. She I feel she is blowing me off too often. On Thursday she answered my call at lunch and said she was busy and would call back in a sec. She called at 6 pm because she said she got caught up in lunch with her peers. Again, why not text me she changed plans. On Saturday she has a problem with her son. Why not text me and tell me that? WHAT IS HER PROBLEM? Is she just tired of me? Or she does not have good manners? She has done the lunch thing a few times, and only occasionally she texts me to tell me she is having lunch with her peers. Am I overreacting? Please explain to me tonight's behavior. It seems in all of these occasions she did not want to talk to me but she does not have the balls to tell me so she comes up with some way to fill up her time BUT DOES NOT TELL ME SHE WILL NOT CALL ME OR ANSWER THE PHONE. I have a hunch that this is a behavior she learned from being in two abusive relationships. Maybe these guys got aggressive when she wanted to do something different that what they expected so she learned to never say no. SHe just would not do it but would not say she would not do it. To avoid yelling and abuse. Or maybe she does not like me anymore. Or maybe she has bad manners. I am confused. Please help.
deleted_user
deleted_user
How long have the two of you been seeing each other and what kind of relationship is it, are you just dating, is it the beginning of a relationship, is it a serious relationship?

It could be she's not that into you or has lost interest, it could be she's just that type of person that isn't big on returning calls/texts, it could be she's someone who loses track of time, is unorganized and then decides it's too late to call/text back or someone who doesn't like talking on the phone or texting or feel it's necessary.

I'ts anyone's guess but the only way you'll find out what it's all about is by talking to her about it. Let her know what your expectations are in a relationship with regards to phone calls and everything else, ask her what her expectations are and go from there.
NewBegin2012
NewBegin2012
If you think about it, if she was really into you, you wouldn't be having these issues. If a girl really likes you.. you will know it. They will text you and call you and return you calls all the time. Look past the details and look at the big picture.
deleted_user
deleted_user
It is possible this is something she picked up from abusive relationships, I did the same. I didn't see any problem with my behavior because to me it was normal, until my bf spoke up and told me almost exactly what you wrote in your discussion. It can be really difficult to overcome setting boundaries and saying no, along with respecting your partner and treating them how they want and deserve to be treated. You'll never know until you ask.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I would say she is not that into you. If someone did that back to me I would think the same. If I am into someone I call them back as soon as I know i missed a call or if they are calling pick the phone up. I would say you might need to move on. She keeps saying she is so busy, etc. That sounds like a brush off to me and she is just afraid to say something about it. Washing and drying hair and can't take a phone call. That sounds a bit much.
deleted_user
deleted_user
How can we just assume she is not into him? I personally do not know you or this woman and I cannot judge on your paragraph of info whether this girl likes you or not... you must look at the variables in your relationship...time in, age, if she is super stressed and busy, and so on. Also what kind of baggage she is carrying around with her from her 2 abusive relationships. Whether all this computes to it being fair that you feel blown off I cannot say...but you need to cut to the chase and explain your feelings to her. That is the best advice I can give you when I do not have all the pieces to your relationship. Everyone is different and its not fair to assume or or generalize. Good luck :)
gabriel2012
gabriel2012
Thank you for all your replies. She has not answered my call from yesterday at 6 pm (its 9 pm now). She did the same over the weekend but at least she sent me some nice things over facebook on sunday am. But now nothing. She did post something on fb about mothers and problems with adolescents. She seems to have had another big argument with her problematic 18 year old, who seems to have picked up some of the behaviors of her abusive partners. But I don't understand why she shuts up completely to me when this happens and having no contact with me for a couple of days or who knows if more now. Last week she had a fight with him and she called me at 11pm instead of 9 pm. I asked her why she did not tell me what was going on since she was on the internet from 9 to 11 pm. She could have emailed me or texted me. She said that when these fights happens she gets into a bad mood and does not want to talk to anyone. But that was over in two hours. Why two days? And the issue about not calling me because she was doing her hair is just simply that she did not want to talk that night but she did not want to tell me that. I understand she is going through a lot of stress, but do you think it is normal what she is doing to me? I feel she is not that much into me. The magic we had even two weeks ago is gone. Her son killed it.
gabriel2012
gabriel2012
Not long ago she told me (crying) how much she missed my calls when I missed one because she had gotten so used to them. Something has changed, and very fast. And according to her, it is related to her feeling overwhelmed with her life and not wanting to rush into a new relationship. I told her we could be friends and just visit each other to get to know each other. I thought that was what we were going to do but in her last visit she ask me to make love to her. The day she returned to her town she was another person, distant, and told me we should not have made love. I don't get her.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Well, the only thing you can do is talk to her... can't figure out anything based on what she's doing... but that just depends if you trust her or not to tell the truth... there's so many answers to her behavior... she's afraid to say no i don't want to talk to her, she's super stressed and doesn't want to put you in the middle of it, she's interested in someone else, she is not big into talking on the phone.... so the only thing is to talk to her about it.
gabriel2012
gabriel2012
I noticed that she was REALLY interested in me when I was not. She pursued me pretty aggressively for about 10 months until I paid attention to her and starting liking her. But the closer I got to her, the more she moved away. To the point that now she knows I am crazy about her, I do all kinds of wonderful things for her, and she is losing interest or lost it. SO I think I will have to go the painful route of no or little contact and see what happens. I will not try to be the nice guy that helps her with her problems. She does not seem to find that attractive. I have noticed that by the way she reacts. Maybe that is why she has had two abusive relationships. She is not attractive to nice guys that really like her. She is attracted to guys that are hard to get. She told me that while she was pursuing me lots of me approached her but they seem so unattractive to her because they were so interested in her. SO I am convincing myself that no contact for a while, or distance, is my only chance with this woman. I have to look like I am hard to get again. Like I was before when she was crazy about me.
ScarletAngel
ScarletAngel
Sounds like you are just setting your self up for a repeat performance. The dynamics of the relationship that brought you to where you are not haven't changed, have they?
ScarletAngel
ScarletAngel
where you are NOW haven't changed, have they?
gabriel2012
gabriel2012
She texted just now at 1pm. She says "I send you a hug. Let's see if we can talk today. I have not been feeling well"

So she saw I was not going to call her and now she is back. But don't know what to say when we talk. I don't think I should be forgiving mr nice, because she will get the message that she cad do this whenever she wants. I think I should say something along the lines of " I understand you are under a lot of stress but I feel you have not been taking me into consideration in the situation I have been living with you in the last few days. This has to change otherwise I will be gone, I will not be your friend. I dont want this." I have to say something. I cannot simply accept this because she will lose respect for me. This is not one isolated incident. This is now a pattern of behavior that I have to stop. As I said, I have gone from being very attractive to her to not being attractive. There is a little bit left. She did text me and with a kind message sending me a hug. But I have to communicate that this is not enough for me. I need to be treated with respect. She also says "Let's see if we can talk today". She does not say I will call you today.

Any ideas on what to tell her? Does this sound ok? Should I be the one who calls at 6 pm or wait for her to call? Or should I just text her at 6 pm to let her know I am not mad and she can call me by saying something like "I hope you are feeling better". ??? I don't feel I should be the one who calls but I am afraid she might not call, get mad at me and lose what I have just gained. She wants to talk. I don't want to screw that up.
honey54
honey54
Sounds to me like she has commitment issues.......I say this cos she sounds a lot like me. Have a look at the link......its written from a woman's point of view but still applies

http://nikkinicole36.wordpress.com/2011/05/11/the-commitment-phobic-relationship/

You aren't doing anything wrong, maybe you just want different things, you obviously want a relationship where you share and share and share everything you do.........maybe she only wants to see you once or twice a week with minmal contact in between

You still didn't say how long you've been together?
gabriel2012
gabriel2012
Thank you honey. She chased me in facebook for 10 months during which I had some conversations with her I called her or rare occasions. She sent me messages telling me she really wanted to visit me ( we live two hours apart) or I should visit her anytime. Then I started really liking her about 3-4 months ago and during that time we called each other 3-4 times a day. She even cried once when I missed a call. She was very excited about the relationship. We got along so well, had so much fun talking and being together. But recently the closer I got to her the more she moved away. SHe said she was scared because she has had two abusive relationships, the last one three years ago. We agreed to go slowly, to be friends and get to know each other. But when she came to visit she asked me to make love to her. She was happy, we made love several times over the weekend, she said she felt so secure and peaceful in my arms, something she needed in her life. But when she went back home her behavior changed completely. She had an incident with her ex-husband who still owns the place she lives in, and her son started to be really difficult. Her son has been torturing her for the last two weeks and this is the time she has moved away from me. She told me her life was too complicated and she could not be in a relationship right now. I said fine, lets continue to get to know each other ans see what happens. She said ok. And she continued to say how great she feels with me, especially in my bed and in my arms, and how much she enjoys being with me. But then her son starts a fight and her feelings for me change. This back and forth is making me crazy.
gabriel2012
gabriel2012
Wow honey54, your link really shows a lot of the same behaviors she exhibits. She says loving things to me one day and the next day she changes or recently, just doesn't even call. Her changes are quick. She loves me one day, and in 1-3 days she wants distance, then she loves me again.