Hello Tassunny. Welcome to DS.

This sounds allot like the lifelong habit one of my more respected shrinks called, "An over-developed flight instinct." He considers it a PTSD symptom. Most days I agree with him, though usually not when I am in the grips of an episode.

Perhaps the most healing aspect of my marriage is that my husband has learned how to *just* let me run, then welcome me back when I am ready to talk about whichever ^it^ triggered my flight sequence. I am a child sex trafficking survivor. There are a mind-ripping number of ^it^s in my psycho baggage car and I am not really capable of thinking, much less talking rationally when I feel that desperate viciously redundant need to run.

But that is me. . .

Gentle support while you figure out your own case.

Welcome aboard.

Thank you so much for your reply. He as well was abused as a child and has insecurity issues.

Yeah if he has a good heart and you otherwise have a good relationship, I would try and give him some space and understand he has his own process. It seems promising that he will talk to you about it later. Maybe you two can work on it, slowly, get him to sit down and talk about stuff and help him feel like he isn't being attacked.

See if you can find a book on dealing with confrontation.

People who have suffered different types of trauma can't act "normal," but getting frustrated won't help. Patience and understanding is the only way :) Best of luck to you. I hope ya'll can work it out! *hugs*

You can't force someone to open up to you. I have a similar reaction where when my SO gets angry with me, I am afraid that I will not be able to properly articulate how I feel and have it be understood by the other person. I am afraid he will dismiss my genuine feelings and try and convince me why I am wrong, instead of just being there for me and letting me feel.

Maybe just let him be himself... If he looks upset or sad, offer ways to cheer him up. Do something he likes. Ask him if he wants to talk about what's wrong or if it's something you are doing. If he doesn't... Let him resolve it on his own, and go do your own thing. Walk away, as he is walking away. You can threaten him that you are leaving all you want, but I've learned this hardly ever works without some other action to right the situation being done. People don't respond well to threats. <3

If he was abused as a child he may have ?? complex PTSD? perhaps?


complex trauma


https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder

Thank you all for your reply that was really helpful. I just hope we can work it out. :)

I am sorry you are hurting emotionally over this break up. Others have given good thoughts. My only thought is this man is showing you who he is and how he is. Take him exactly for who he is and not someone you can fix, or change or hoping he'll get better. Its really up to him to decide he wants better and he'll seek help to do better. What if he can't change to give you the emotional connection you so desire?

Sometimes the couple can work things out. Sometimes its just the one person wanting change and the other refuses to change and things can't be worked out. Its not helpful to think you can fix or change him because when nothing changes, we often get so angry. Often we ignore the negative issues and just hope we'll have a great relationship. Every relationship has some kind of problems, humans being humans. We all do it. Sometimes we can love someone but not be able to live with them or be in relationship with them because of their own problems or problem behaviors. When this has happened to me, and it has, I try to think about what lessons I am learning about myself through this broken relationship and the grief. If he is open to couples counseling, it could help you see things in a more realistic light.

Wow your so right..thank you for responding. I always had "fixer uppers" in my life and dont want to go through this every so often. It just hurts when you love someone. And he has helped me a lot. Everyone tells me to let him go and "you'll be fine" but they are not in it and not hurting :(

So sorry. This is a tough situation. Would he be willing to get counseling to help him with his childhood traumas and to also be a better partner in a relationship? As urbangardener was saying, I also believe that just because two people meet and start a relationship, doesn't always mean they are a good *fit* for each other. This is what we find out through dating someone, whether they are a good match for us or not. Think back to your previous relationships.... were those good matches for you? This one might not be either. But, maybe if you talk to him and suggest counseling, hopefully he can help himself, and thus become a better partner.... whether it be with you, or with anyone. It's not your job to fix him, it's his job. Best of luck to you.

Thank you so much for your response. I did suggest counseling but there wasnt really a response to it. He has a lot of issues and i can't fix him he needs to fix him self. He wants to come home but not with my daughter living here. I cant put my daughter on the street i could never live with that. So we will see maybe its a good thing to have some distance and figure out what we both really want. I appreciate your advice since i dont have anyone to talk to really. People just tell me to forget about him ...easier said then done!

Tassunny, I am also in the fixer upper stuff. I read The New Codependency and recognized so much of myself (like the stuff I need to fix within me). But it was super helpful to figure out why I feel so compelled to fix others. It is my own need to be approved of and loved because I didn't love myself, stemming back to childhood and my first bad marriage. Your daughter living with you just may be the best thing to get you moving forward. You have to stop the merry go round with this guy. If you can't do it for YOU, its good that the daughter is there to foster the positive change within you by your knowing she needs to come first. Not easy but worth it because you are worth it. You matter, you have value, you deserve a contented life, a decent mutually respectful relationship with someone who doesn't need fixing upping.

You are so right. Im just sad and hurt. I know i need to let go. I just found out that he is doing speed too so thats something i cant live with. He was a drug attict for a long time that was long before we met and he stopped and swor he will never touch that stuff again. I never did drugs so it took me a while to figure that one out. It just hurts he is not a bad person he has a good heart but you are right i want someone who is not all broken. And i know i cant help him he needs to help himself. As hard as it is i need to let go. Thank you so much for talking to me. I don't really have anybody to talk to. I kinda alienated myself from everyone being with him. I hope things work out for you too :)

maybe if you didn't have a daughter you could be ________ enough to stay with this poor broken soul that does speed and support him as he tries to get clean
(getting clean is a low probability in the best of circumstances)

you have a daughter

the speed boy has to go

Oh. Thanks for adding more info. Him doing speed (and maybe other drugs you don't know about?), explains his behavior. Apparently the drugs are more important to him than you are?? Wish him luck with his recovery (if he even wants to quit drugs now) and say Goodbye.


Sorry. You don't need to be around this kind of element. You need a healthier situation with someone who is more present for you.

Adding that bit of information changes how I had been seeing this.

At first I was thinking, your daughter should not be intervening or interfering in your relationship, as it’s really none of her business but she is seeing something you aren’t seeing. Sounds like your friends are seeing the same too.

Lot of people have good hearts. Doesn’t mean they are relationship material.