Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Hi, my wife and I have been together for 9 1//2 years and married for almost 5 years. Recently her mom had a stroke and we had to move in with her for about 8 weeks and so and during that time my wife kinda become "the daughter" again with her mom and I just become some what of a helper. I no longer felt like we were a marriage couple because we only had contact through texting mainly. We no longer had intimacy due to being at her moms so our world kinda turned upside down and everything started to change. Thank goodness my mother in laws stroke was minor so she can now be by herself. I love her to death but she can be very hard to live with. During that 8 weeks my wife had informed me that she started talking to her ex again (he was her first love) and they have a lot of history together. Her ex was not a good person most of the time in the relationship. He was emotionally, verbally and could tend to be physically abusive as well. That was over 15 years ago when things went down and my wife said that he is a completely different person and that she forgives him. I told her that I myself could never forgive what he did to her, and I felt extremely uncomfortable with her talking to him. She informed me that she did give him her cell phone number so now he texts her a couple times a week, which is upsetting to me but I appreciate her telling me when she talks to him.
We also had a situation with her being sexually assaulted and I'm still processing that, so on top of her talking to her ex now I just don't feel like I can take that on and deal with that as well. I told her I was feeling like maybe we should separate for a bit because I was not feeling our connection in the marriage anymore and she informed me that nothing is going to happen with her ex and she didn't want to lose me. We will be going to marriage counseling so I'm just waiting to see what happens with that. I'm feeling very hurt and disappointed right now and that I've lost my best friend. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
We also had a situation with her being sexually assaulted and I'm still processing that, so on top of her talking to her ex now I just don't feel like I can take that on and deal with that as well. I told her I was feeling like maybe we should separate for a bit because I was not feeling our connection in the marriage anymore and she informed me that nothing is going to happen with her ex and she didn't want to lose me. We will be going to marriage counseling so I'm just waiting to see what happens with that. I'm feeling very hurt and disappointed right now and that I've lost my best friend. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
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Look at what my best friend did with my picture!
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We all have 24 hours in a day. How we spend these hours is important. Watching a little bit of a video about how sitting affects us made me aware of how much sitting and laying down I do. Gonna have to work on that.Your turn. Tell me another truth.
Long term relationships usually go through ups and downs like this. Also, there's is so much stress involved when having to care for a parent or loved one, and it affects everyone, I know. It's easy to feel like you're not connected because time and energy shifts to another more immediate issue. My husband and I go through this periodically, where life gets hard and our priorities have to change for a while. We just always seem to find our back, but sometimes that takes real effort.
As far as her ex, my feeling is that you weren't with him. She was, so whatever happened between them, it's really her's to forgive, and has nothing to do with you. But I do think if her texting him and vice versa is a problem for you, she needs to hear that. That's where marriage counseling will help.
I would say the same about her being assaulted. That's traumatic for the person that happens to and for the people in their life. She may need you to support her, and while there's things you need to deal with because of her assault, it happened to her. Be there for her with that, whatever being there for her means to her. But again, your counseling will help you both work through that.
So, don't lose faith, be open and be honest, but prepared for her to be open and honest too. It sounds like you both care about each other and I think with counseling and with really talking to each other, you'll get back to good.
If there are problems, she needs to talk about them with you, not spill the beans to him. If she can't discuss things with you, she should see a therapist.
I assume you told her that this communication makes you uncomfortable and she still continues to do it. This would also offend me.
The other thing that concerns me is that there had to be underlying issues before the stroke happened. I don't believe that relationships usually take a drastic turn like this .
Maybe getting to the bottom of what's really going on would be helpful.
I m sorry you have to go through that. Hope you will be able to work things out .
For me, talking and texting with "an ex" would be one. I would never do it, even if my marriage was in the crapper, I would never do it. I expect the same from my husband.
Is that right for everyone? might some people say I'm "insecure" Maybe, but I don't care what is right for others, I only care what is right for me, and I would not want that.
Your wife gets to choose what she WANTS to do, that is her right, at the same time, you get to choose your actions.
I'm glad to read that you are going to marriage counseling.
In the spirit of "Do unto others"....
Have you asked her how she would feel if you were feeling about one of you exes as she is feeling about this one of hers? Would she be fine if you were texting an ex?
Her answer could help you realize what you're dealing with, either a selfish have my cake and eat it too, type. Or a I could care less about this relationship type.
Good luck!