Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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gabriel2012 04/27/2014

I feel I have found someone wonderful whom I love and who loved me very much. She lives two and a hald hours away from me. She visits me every two weeks. She does all the traveling since I have a medical condition that does not allow me to drive that long at least for the moment. She has accepted that and is willing to to all the travelling. I plan to visit her in a month when I get better. Everything was going well until yesterday. She was supposed to visit me today. Yesterday morning she asked me if I was ok with her visiting today or if I wanted to postpone her visit for a week. I told her I was very busy this week and that I had to make a big and stressful decision for a meeting this week. I asked her to give me a few minutes to think about which would be the best time for her visit. When I called her back she said she had decided not to visit me today and that she was not sure she could visit me next week either. I asked her to please come visit me today but she said no. I asked her all day long yesterday. I begged, I told her I had made a mistake and to please forgive me. But she said I had made her feel bad and that she would feel bad if she came to visit me today. She would feel like a burden. I told her she would not be a burden and to please come. But she said no. Last night we had a long talk and I asked her if she still loved me. She said she loved me and missed me and she was very sad she could not see me today. But she could not see me because she would feel bad if she did. I talked to her today while she was at work and she was very cold. I asked her why she was being so cold and she said she was at work and could not speak freely. That she had told me last night that she loved me. I talk to her everyday when she is at work and she is not as cold as she is today. Today she is very distant and cold. I feel the very special bond that we had has been broken. Is this a temporary thing or have I done permanent damage to our relationship? I am suffering quite a bit. But I feel I did not do such a terrible thing. She says she has suffered all her life. Could it be that she is not emotionally healthy and is dragging me into her suffering way of being? Have I broken the special bond we had?

gabriel2012 04/27/2014

Before she would come see me at the slightest opportunity, even if it was for just one day. Now she says she will see me whenever she can. She does not sound that enthusiastic anymore. Is she just upset or have things changed because of what I did?

deleted_user 04/27/2014

I briefly did a relationship that was two hours away and did most of the driving, and it got old, real fast.

koolman 04/27/2014

She sounds very emotionally fragile. And, yes, two-and-a-half hours' drive just to spend a few hours hanging out with someone, IS a pain in the ass. OF COURSE she wants her "money's worth", i.e. for you to be totally in tune with her emotions and give you her passionate, undying affection when she gets there.

Whether you've done "permanent damage" depends on exactly how fragile and easily hurt she is. I don't know, but based on how you said she replied, she sounds pretty fragile, and it was a pretty delicate bond!

MTZ3 04/27/2014

how long have you been dating? Do you have a history of backing out of plans last minute (possibly why she asked yesterday, if today was going to work)?

Aronia 04/27/2014

Is this a new person or the same woman from 2 months ago?

deleted_user 04/27/2014

Sometimes women like more time together in a relationship. If she seems to emotional talk to her about it. Some people can not to long distance relationships and need more attention than what is giving. You should talk to her more about it.

gabriel2012 04/27/2014

From what I know from her past I agree that she is emotionally fragile. I dont know what to do next. We talk every night for a couple of hours. But tonight she feels sick. She did not sleep at all last night. She has nausea and she is throwing up. I dont know if it is the right time to tell her I love her and that I feel really sorry I messed up. She might not want to talk about those things tonight. Maybe I have to wait until she gets better and feels less upset. Maybe I should leave her alone and give her some space. Before this incident she told me I was the man who has given her the most love and affection in her entire life and that she wants to grow old with me. I hope she still feels the same. If we get through this crisis I will be the happiest man on Earth. I want to tell her I love her very much but I have been doing that since yesterday. I wonder if I should stop and give her some space.

deleted_user 04/27/2014

Ask her instead of others....first step in communication.

Aronia 04/28/2014

If someone did this to me i would perceive it as manipulative behavior. I really cant stand when people throw fits like that.

Shine14 04/28/2014

Yeah.. I dont really see what it is that she is upset about to begin with

roseBud23 04/28/2014

Feeling rejected is never fun. It can as you mentioned bring up old issues or insecurities that they have felt in the past, however that's not something that should concern you too much as it's my opinion that everyone has baggage whether they'd like to admit it or not.

I believe you're doing the right thing by contacting her however at the moment she might need time and space to get over the sting of the initial rejection. Slow and steady forms of communication usually help during this time because you're still giving her time yet you're still sending her reminders that you're sorry, still there, love her and regret your making her feel bad.

Texting, emailing can be a lot more respectful during this time because you're giving her the space she craves yet are still there for her and she doesn't feel abandoned. It's something that my husband and I still do after a situation arises where our feelings get hurt.

Just send her loving texts, let her know you're giving her time and space to talk when she feels comfortable. Personally sometimes I need to sault on my own in order to get my feelings and thoughts straitened out so I can properly get them out when I'm ready to start mending the situation.

I wish you all the best of luck and know that this will only improve your communication style towards each other. Now you know next time you should communicate your issues during the week leading up to her visit and how she feels about your canceling at the last minute (rejection, unappreciative territory).

Good luck to you both =)

gabriel2012 04/28/2014

Thanks for your comments. They have been very helpful. She is now saying that she loves me and calls me and texts me often which I take it as a sign that she is starting to turn around. But she still says she does not know when she will come visit me. She works in a hotel that she runs with her sister and her sister will be away for surgery for an unknown amount of time, perhaps a month. Because I knew this I asked her if she could come visit during mother;s day weekend right before I told her I was considering postponing her visit. She said yes. I asked her if her sister being away would be a problem and she said no, that she was not a slave in the hotel and that she could take a few days off. Now she tells me she might not be able to come that weekend because her sister will be away. She changed her story. Why is she doing this? She now says that she does not know when she will be able to visit me because she has a lot of additional responsibilities in the hotel since her sister will be away. While before this incident she told me she would have no problem taking time off work. She is causing me a great deal of unnecessary suffering. She says she is also suffering herself. That she misses me. Why cause all this suffering? Is she still upset at my supposed rejection? We had a really nice thing going. I thought I had finally found the one. I don't know why she is telling me now she cant see me when before she told me she would have no problem taking time off to see me. And her sister can be away for a month. I feel she does not want to see me and that is making me feel little desire for eating, sleeping or working. I dont deserve this treatment. I have treated her like a queen. I have given her my very best. She said herself that no man before has given her as much love and affection as I have. What is her problem now? I feel sad and confused. I dont understand her behavior. She was so loving before. She made great efforts to see me even if it was for just one day. Now she does not seem to care. At least that is the impression I am getting. And that makes me feel very sad. I thought we had a very nice thing. And now she is ruining it. She told me today she was depressed.

stillbitterjaded 04/28/2014

It's possible she's rethought the "I don't mind doing all the driving" decision.

It's possible she's putting the emphasis on the business so is choosing to work.

It's possible she's offended by your original "unable to connect" message.

ASK HER. Be clear. We can make things up and guess but until you get clarification from the source, it's just a game.

deleted_user 04/29/2014

Again - driving 2.5 hours is tedious as hell. She has a life/business/family outside of her 2.5 hour drive to see you. Maybe you're being a little needy and unfair.

Shine14 04/29/2014

Its her job. The fact that she is making it a priority is something to admire, not feel like you are suffering over.

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