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Hi,
I don't where to field this one. Heroin addiction or relationships.
My girlfriend of 1 1/2 years wants to break up. I'll try to be brief. My son, 28 yrs old is a heroin addict, well, recovering living on the street of Oakland, Ca, we live in the suburbs of Chicago.
Anyway, he got stabbed by his ex crazy GF on Labor Day. The wounds were bad and he was in the hospital for a week. He is basically homeless, no job. Two felonies on his record (which he could have gotten rid of with drug court but refused) and a warrant for arrest here in Illinois I believe for theft (Store) He is non- violent lay back guy.
So, he had no place to stay, so me and my ex split cost etc for a week and a half. Now he came to me asking for more money. HE still hurting and I did talk to the doctor regarding that.
I didn't want to give it and many times I have refused, but this is a case he is still healing, so yes one last time. unfortunately I had bring my girlfriend into the fray, but this was unusual and the whole event happened during the holiday days.
This weekend he lost contact, I was worried, but I didn't say much to my girlfriend except I was worried, because he was suppose to call. Again, I usually don't have that much contact with him. Trust me, it's better for all, but this is more medical.
Today he called, and I decided to give him an ultimatum. I did, and I did send him money but this is the last. I didn't tell my GF about the money, just that he lost his phone and she went a bit crazy.
Now the problem. She been married once, and she a very nice person. She is 65 but very good looking and a nice person, but has not remarried in 22 years. She used to living alone, but wants to marry me.
Now she called and told me I need to break up with her, even though she loves me because my son will always be a part of my life and he will always need sometime and will cause me stress and her too.
Some of that I guess is true. But,,, even like last night, I was in a great mood even not knowing where he was , and we went dancing and had a great time and laughed etc. I slept over and we had a nice nite, just cuddling and a few kisses etc.
She is really troubled by this. I am 64, I was married 34 years, and I am not sure if I am ready for marriage but I don't really want to break up but she is forcing the issue. I do love her, but I think if you love someone you stick by them. I am usually very happy, I am very active at 64 and run 5K and do very well, I added that to let you know I don't sit on my butt and love to do things. I believe in living.
So I am puzzled. Please give me you thoughts I have enough hanging on my head, now this. Thanks in advance
I don't where to field this one. Heroin addiction or relationships.
My girlfriend of 1 1/2 years wants to break up. I'll try to be brief. My son, 28 yrs old is a heroin addict, well, recovering living on the street of Oakland, Ca, we live in the suburbs of Chicago.
Anyway, he got stabbed by his ex crazy GF on Labor Day. The wounds were bad and he was in the hospital for a week. He is basically homeless, no job. Two felonies on his record (which he could have gotten rid of with drug court but refused) and a warrant for arrest here in Illinois I believe for theft (Store) He is non- violent lay back guy.
So, he had no place to stay, so me and my ex split cost etc for a week and a half. Now he came to me asking for more money. HE still hurting and I did talk to the doctor regarding that.
I didn't want to give it and many times I have refused, but this is a case he is still healing, so yes one last time. unfortunately I had bring my girlfriend into the fray, but this was unusual and the whole event happened during the holiday days.
This weekend he lost contact, I was worried, but I didn't say much to my girlfriend except I was worried, because he was suppose to call. Again, I usually don't have that much contact with him. Trust me, it's better for all, but this is more medical.
Today he called, and I decided to give him an ultimatum. I did, and I did send him money but this is the last. I didn't tell my GF about the money, just that he lost his phone and she went a bit crazy.
Now the problem. She been married once, and she a very nice person. She is 65 but very good looking and a nice person, but has not remarried in 22 years. She used to living alone, but wants to marry me.
Now she called and told me I need to break up with her, even though she loves me because my son will always be a part of my life and he will always need sometime and will cause me stress and her too.
Some of that I guess is true. But,,, even like last night, I was in a great mood even not knowing where he was , and we went dancing and had a great time and laughed etc. I slept over and we had a nice nite, just cuddling and a few kisses etc.
She is really troubled by this. I am 64, I was married 34 years, and I am not sure if I am ready for marriage but I don't really want to break up but she is forcing the issue. I do love her, but I think if you love someone you stick by them. I am usually very happy, I am very active at 64 and run 5K and do very well, I added that to let you know I don't sit on my butt and love to do things. I believe in living.
So I am puzzled. Please give me you thoughts I have enough hanging on my head, now this. Thanks in advance
as for your gf, I think she is being unreasonable, and could not be in a relationship with someone that does not accept my kids will be my kids forever.
I think I remember you writing about this gf before, she seems to like to break up often. I would have a tough time, marrying someone like that (is she going to threaten divorce every time you have a disagreement?)
Your female friend sounds nice, and indeed she is trying to control the situation. By breaking up with you over those reasons, she's basically saying if you want me, you have to do something about him.
She wants to secure a relationship with you, not you and your son.
Which, all considering, is an unreasonable request. However, that being said, at 65, who really wants to be bothered with an unruly drug addicted 20-something year old who has a warrant out for his arrest in Illinois for shoplifting, could have had two felonies dropped but refused to go to drug court, and calls Daddy every time he needs money?
Let's face it, he'll be trouble for a long time coming, and he'll be leaning on Daddy for as long as you continue to enable him. You have baggage, she has a small carry-on. She's ready to retire for a life like you described, dancing and laughing, but the fun stops when phone rings, and your attention shifts to him and away from her.
Children of your son's age can be selfish, especially when they have drug dependency issues. They think only of themselves, their high, the next three hours, and what they're going to eat. Do you think they actually care about anyone who can't support them, AKA give them money? Young adults don't have the same appreciation, they're in "me" mode and rarely respect parent's needs.
You say you are not sure if you're ready for marriage, perhaps you should investigate these feelings to see where they're coming from
I have also dated someone with adult kid, that I didn't care for her lifestyle. She drink a lot, probably on drugs, has history of steal, and had a loud potty mouth (some of this perhaps could be attributed to her having bipolar disorder). The guy was not a bad dad, he was an awesome dad. Loving and kind! But I have three smallish kids, and have to factor in their needs in pursuing future relationships. Even if I didn't have kids, I don't think I'd want her in my house (in particular the stealing part). But I would never expect a SO to cut off their kids (I'd probably have less respect for them if they did).
I also have an 11 yr old son, with mild autism. most of the time, he is ok to deal with (keeps to himself, quiet), but when he is stimming/ due to sensory overload, he can be pretty difficult (tantrums). There is a good chance, he will never drive, never get married, and need some type of assisted living for the rest of his life. In the back of my head, when he is an adult, I will probably have a space for him to live with me. A guy who enters a relationship, probably will not be thrilled about this, but it is what it is.
Your GF is looking ahead to the future and doesn't like what she sees. It is much better for her to speak up now instead of stay silent, marry you hoping things will change and then get upset when it doesn't. She said you need to break up with her because she is basically saying you are the only one with the power to make changes. It's up to you. If you don't then you need to say you can't and goodbye.
You are at an age where a child should be wondering how YOU ate doing and what type of challenges you are facing instead of constantly asking you for help and bail outs.
I think investing in a relationship with your other half is wise because your son may not be there for you when you will need help, but she will.
dont know where to start with my opinion on this, guess ill start with the girlfriend not wanting you to be bothered with your son. First of all,. i am and have been for 17 years a drug addict. Unlike most addicts i have never lost my soul or my morals for the drug.. i dont rob for it, or hurt people to get it. I dont use heroin although i have lost a handful of friends to it over the years either by overdose or suicide. Heroin is an EXTREMELY tough habit to kick, its sometimes fatal when a person quits.. .it is up on top the list of most difficult to quit. But it is NOT impossible and there are things out there that a person can use to aid in quitting ( rehab, suboxin, naltrexone..etc) but like with anything the person HAS TO WANT TO. My parents are both deceased , unfortunately, but i will tell you that without a shadow of a doubt, my parents always and if were still here, always would till the day i die, stick by my side. they would NEVER abandon me and sever communication with me. they would not enable me by giving me money, but they would have helped me in any way possible other than that. if i needed a hotel room, the smart thing they would probably have done, is reserve one online for me, not send me cash to get one, because truth is, no matter how much pain an addict is in, when that cash comes the first thing theyre gonna do with it is get a fix. not go to a hotel.
I agree with any other reply that says you shouldnt send him cash for anything..ever. if he is starving and needs food.. send him a gift card for a grocery store... he can use a friends address *(if he knows anyone who wouldnt sell the giftcard upon arrival.) anyway this is just an example. no cash.
someone said "at 64 why would u want to be bothered with a drug addict child whos in trouble with the law " essentially ...
why? because he is your son, no matter how old u or he may be he is your flesh and blood,and if the day comes that he decides he has had enough and wants out of that scene.. he will need every person available as a support system to help him stay on the right path and give him the courage needed to quit. You need to keep in mind that once a person becomes addicted to drugs ( most cases) they are no longer the person u once knew. Their self esteem is shattered , their sense of self is shattered. they no longer care about anything but that drug. By the end of that long road when enough is enough, they as a person have been completely destroyed . they need you very badly.
I hope some day he does choose to seek the healthy path., same for me. although i know the end of my road is definitely not too far ahead...
now, for the girlfriend being involved... I have a 19 yr old son , he has adhd, bipolar, and ODD. He is HELL to live with and has been since he was 4. its amazing that i managed to raise him and not spend most of the years in a psych ward... lol
no seriously he is worse than 5 bad kids put together.
I met my bf 6 years ago.. he loves me very much. he loves me enough that he has stuck by my side through 6 years of hell with my son. Last thing that my son did that he stuck it out through, ( aside from his daily tantrums) is he punched my bf in the face and knocked him on the ground,..
My bf tries not to get involved in raising him or dealing with his crap. he pretty much just doesnt talk to him,. he doesnt ignore him but he doesnt attempt to begin a conversation with him or anything like that. he lets me deal with him and his issues.
your girlfriend is right in that it may cause her stress, but like you said, if she really loves you she would be sticking by your side supporting you. helping to eliviate your stress. not telling u to cut ties with your flesh and blood.
maybe you can just avoid talking to her about your son. not so much lie to her, but just dont involve her. if he calls and stresses you out, dont tell her. if u need to book a hotel room for him, dont use her money, come up with it on your own. just try to involve her in his drama as little as possible. if she cant stick by you in times like this, then maybe she isnt the one for u to commit to for the restr of your life.
good luck
I think all points are taking. Unless you are really in this situation you don't know. Yes, many many times, I just refused money, even if he was hungry or made threats. Give in only supports his own agenda. It's tough call. I don't think right now there is a perfect answer. I know not to enable, to force him so to speak to chose better. Else I only contribute to everyone pain. I do think each issue needs to be looked at, and whatever I decide, I will have to live with it but it is his choice as well. Overwhelmingly his choice. ths all! It tough
At one point she was ruining my life in major ways. I always told my mom that i loved her and that if she wants to have a relationship with me, i am willing, but this did not include sending her every last penny I earned so she could drink and getting her out of jail or hospital every time or letting her live with me so she can clean out my bank account, my house and torment my family.
My sister and i did everything to save our mother, but she never stopped. We took away from our kids and husbands to give to her. In the end, she just fried her brains and drank herself to death. If i didnt set limits with my mother, my life would be total crap.
When you say,
"at 64 why would u want to be bothered with a drug addict child whos in trouble with the law " essentially ... "
The sentence reads " ...at 65..." which is the girlfriend's age, and refers to her point of view, not the father's.