I’m sorry; this is terrible. Do you know for sure you’d have to support him if you left him?

It may be worth selling the house, him getting getting half your 401k, etc, for peace of mind.

He’s a piece of shit for laying hands on you
and the kids. It’s going to happen again. The fix is leaving. Sorry it just is.

Your kids are suffering by living in an unstable home. Fighting all the time and kids seeing their mom unhappy affects them. The potential for violence.., get out.

Yes, you need to get out. He is taking/using half your income now already, and more with your peace of mind and safety at that. Once someone lays a hand on you, and definately if by your neck, you need to get out for your safety and your children's safety. You are right to ask for advice on this, and you are right to want to leave, now you have to find the courage and bravery to do it.

It won't be easy, but maybe it won't be as hard as you think - especially not when you consider how worth it it will be.

I wish you the best. STay strong. You can do this.

You should for sure leave....abusers dont change.. With the history of abuse I would hope a judge wouldn't make you support him.

You could talk to a lawyer or a group that works with abused women to see if someone can give you some advice on this from a legal / financial standpoint?

Is there some reason your husband doesn't work?

The old days, when a husband supported a formerly-stay-at-home wife are pretty much over. Most places don't call it 'alimony' even, it's 'spousal support,' and only awarded for a few years until the non-working spouse is situated in a stable job. If your husband was home because *the two of you wanted a stay-at-home-spouse for the children, * that's one thing. If he just decided on his own to mooch off you, what makes you think he'd have a claim on your income?

He's abusive. YOU can't fix that - that's an inside job that HE has to work on.

I am sorry to hear how distressed you are. I was going to say couples counseling until you said he choked you. So couples counseling at this point is a no. Have you actually seen an attorney about your legal rights and obligations? In my state, the abusive spouse actually loses custody, spousal support, etc. I think your son's behavioral problems probably stem from how his dad is and how your household is, tense and unhappy. Although I am not discounting son may have a brain health disorder. So, please go to an attorney and see what your legal rights and obligations are now that he has become physically abusive.

It comes down to this. Your life or your kids lives for a house, for half the 401 K. The longer you stay, the more "beat down" you will become emotionally first and then physically. If your husband is mean to the son (hits him, verbally abusive, etc.), then keeping in the marriage is not good for the son. You'll have to prove this to negate husband's custody rights.

Good for you to call the police on him. He's being careful now, but at some point this carefulness will end. Call the cops every time he hits you or the kids. Build a legal case of him being the abuser that he is. Stay strong. You've got a million reasons why to stick to the status quo because its easier you think. But in the long run, it won't be easier to do nothing. In the long run, doing nothing (divorce) means the family destruction is ensured. While your husband might be willing to go to anger management classes if he is mandated by a judge, what domestic violence advocates say where I live is couples counseling is unethical if there is physical violence. You could get counseling for yourself and your son. Son needs help like yesterday. Good luck to you.

Big hug for you Purple.... I agree .... See a lawyer and talk this out with a professional

No wonder your son has behavioural problems... He's regularly abused by a bully who hurts and shames him

This is bad.... I think continuing to live like this is far worse than divorce for both you and your children.....Your children are living in chaos everyday with no control over anything

I'm not writing that to make you feel guilty however it's the truth from what you're writing and it's forming their lives ... who they are and who they will become

I think it's dangerous to continue down this road.... I would seek legal advise privately... quietly

The most dangerous time for a woman is when she's leaving... Whatever you do make sure that you do it safely.... I'm going to put up emergency numbers for you...Big hug....xo

I am so sorry that you're having to live like this..

https://support.dailystrength.org/hc/en-us/articles/207430776-What-if-I-need-emergency-help-

Thank you for all the support and thoughtful feedback. It means so much to me.

I did talk to an attorney but maybe I need to talk to another one.

You need to say the magic words, domestic violence. And you want a family law attorney. You could also seek counseling from a domestic violence "shelter" or non-profit in your area. Not every government is aware or sensitive to the problem of domestic violence (DV).

Hi Purple
I so agree with what sun cloud has said. It's scary to leave an abuser and
the incidences and severity of DV escalate when he senses that you are going to leave. It must be a very scary time for you and yet, he has put his hands around your throat--this is very concerning.
I think that everyone here on DS is caring and compassionate and are behind you all the way. Sometimes reaching out to a DV advocate can help--(if you had an order of protection, you may already have had contact with an DV agency). People often pressure DV victims to leave their abusers (because they care about you) and sometimes this can cause a sense of shame. You have done nothing wrong. Your self esteem might already be shot. I think that everyone here wants what's best for you and your children, including your safety. I wish you the best--you are worth it.

I am so sorry to hear this. I understand your concerns/frustrations/etc.

1.) Yes leave him. This is not a safe environment for you and your children. People don't change overnight, and if you can't stand his yawn. Well that says ALOT right there. Leave him, eventually you WILL be happy and that is what counts. Forget him, let him dig his own hole. Get out and move a mountain. :)

2.) Sell the house, you could make enough money on the house in today's market to help with lawyers fees or put a nice down payment on a new house.

3.) Financials. Ok I would be upset paying spousal support and giving half when you earned it all.

4.) Get a GOOD lawyer. Many do free consultations. Get multiple consultations and feel them out. Read Google reviews. You can get sole custody and hes allowed supervised visitation. You already have the evidence with the cops. And I am sure others. Spousal support is good for a few years, but a good lawyer can help negotiate that in your favor due to domestic violence. Same with the marital assets. It may cost money to get dirty for what is rightfully yours, and depending on your assets, giving half to your husband may be cheaper or it may not. Only you know this.

5.) Find a support group. Family, daily strength, counselor. To help for yourself and kids.

While reading your post, I was about to recommend marriage counselling until you mentioned he choked you. I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. One of my sisters went through verbal abuse for many months and she decided to leave her husband because he attempted to hit her. She left with her daughter. It was a traumatic experience for my niece and because of that problem my niece and my sister sought counseling.

It would be better if you and the kids would leave the house then get counseling. Please stay safe. Call the police when needed. Praying for your safety and for the kids.

Thank you. I really appreciate everyone’s feedback. At the risk of sounding like a victim defending an abuser, he didn’t choke or strangle me. He put his hands on my neck and threatened to kill me. I don’t know if that makes a difference but it is hard for me to see that as DV. He has never smacked me or punched me.

Yes telling you that he is going to kill you is definitely domestic violence while putting his hands on your neck no less

I sent you a list of crisis resources on my other comment purple.... Why don't you think of calling one of the Domestic Violence hotlines just to talk with them.... tell them your story and see what advise that they have.... The people that work at these places really know what they're talking about..... Big hug.....xo

He also smacks your kid in the arm and legs, it sounds like. Pushes you. And he throws things. I’m sure there are other things. I would really try to take a step back and look at the accumulative behavior. I mean honestly you wouldn’t have called the police had you not felt threatened.

Sorry not trying to badger you or make you feel bad but it sounds like you are normalizing things. It’s a coping strategy. But if you aren’t concerned for your own being, please think about what your kids are seeing, hearing and experiencing. I grew up in a home with a lot of what you are describing. Your kids are SUFFERING, I promise you.

Please just talk to someone, as SunCloud mentioned.

Here:

According to the United States Department of Justice Office on Violence Against Women, the definition of domestic violence is a pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain control over another intimate partner.

Many types of abuse are included in the definition of domestic violence:

-Physical abuse can include hitting, biting, slapping, battering, shoving, punching, pulling hair, burning, cutting, pinching, etc. (any type of violent behavior inflicted on the victim). Physical abuse also includes denying someone medical treatment and forcing drug/alcohol use on someone.

-Sexual abuse occurs when the abuser coerces or attempts to coerce the victim into having sexual contact or sexual behavior without the victim's consent. This often takes the form of marital rape, attacking sexual body parts, physical violence that is followed by forcing sex, sexually demeaning the victim, or even telling sexual jokes at the victim's expense.

-Emotional abuse involves invalidating or deflating the victim's sense of self-worth and/or self-esteem. Emotional abuse often takes the form of constant criticism, name-calling, injuring the victim's relationship with his/her children, or interfering with the victim's abilities.

-Economic abuse takes place when the abuser makes or tries to make the victim financially reliant. Economic abusers often seek to maintain total control over financial resources, withhold the victims access to funds, or prohibit the victim from going to school or work.

-Psychological abuse involves the abuser invoking fear through intimidation; threatening to physically hurt himself/herself, the victim, children, the victim's family or friends, or the pets; destruction of property; injuring the pets; isolating the victim from loved ones; and prohibiting the victim from going to school or work. **Threats to hit, injure, or use a weapon are a form of psychological abuse.**

-Stalking can include following the victim, spying, watching, harassing, showing up at the victim's home or work, sending gifts, collecting information, making phone calls, leaving written messages, or appearing at a person's home or workplace. These acts individually are typically legal, but any of these behaviors done continuously results in a stalking crime.
Cyberstalking refers to online action or repeated emailing that inflicts substantial emotional distress in the recipient.