Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Can we post about friend relationships in this group as well? I had this in a different group, but I'm not sure it was the right place for it. So here goes...
I have a close friend. We had/have a lot of hopes, desires, views, passions and convictions in common. When we first became friends, I was also in more of a place where I was happy to have someone to look up to, in a way. She had some things going for her that I would have liked to have for myself, so by associating myself with her, I was able to see how she achieved those things. I was pretty happy to hang on her every word and soak it all up.
Fast forward to now. I feel like we have a big sister/little sister relationship. She is older than me and has more life experience under her belt. She has such a strong personality and while I do as well, I am also pretty insecure about just being myself sometimes. She kind of helped me grow some in that regard, but I also feel like she unknowingly exploits that aspect of my personality in a way. She takes even the simplest topics and over-explains them to me. It's just like...I don't know...she feels compelled to "school" me on anything she can, whenever she has the chance. She's always right. And AMAZING at everything she does, according to her (I imagine she actually doesn't think that, but is looking for validation). She impresses her knowledge on anyone who will listen. Don't get me wrong. She's super knowledgeable in many things. I've learned a lot from her. But heck if you can interrupt what she has to say with a counter-thought or idea.
To go along with that, she gets intensely focused on one thing for a period of time. It'll be this hobby or that, and she'll get so fixated on it, spend a ton of time and money on it and then toss it aside for the next big thing. So having noticed this tendency, when she asks me for advice about whatever the latest thing is, I will point out potential issues I could foresee. But she dismisses what I have to say. So she's not actually looking for advice, she's looking for validation. Validation that I, trying to be a good friend, don't always feel right about freely giving.
My long time significant other confided in me the other day that he really hopes I don't expect him to be just like her husband, subject to her every whim and desire, as often as they change. And that he hopes I know that he will be supportive of things I want to do, but not to his own detriment. I can understand that. And it made me think. How much do I get sucked into whatever she's got going on, and then emulate it to some degree in my own life? That was an eye opener.
So, to summarize, I think she and I have gotten stuck in this pattern where I follow her around like a happy little puppy dog, validating all the things for her and hanging on her every word. It's like this big sister/little sister thing where she has to "teach" me all the time. And I want to break free from this. I do think we have a good foundation though. She is a fiercely loyal friend. She's highly complimentary of me. She actually does have some very good sage advice to give. There are things about her that I love and would like to stick around for. So what now? Do we need a break? How do I even broach this? I have grown since we first became friends and I'm not so complacent anymore. I'm also a touch passive aggressive. Everything's fine! Until it's not. So I need to figure out what to do here before I bubble over.
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Look at what my best friend did with my picture!
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We all have 24 hours in a day. How we spend these hours is important. Watching a little bit of a video about how sitting affects us made me aware of how much sitting and laying down I do. Gonna have to work on that.Your turn. Tell me another truth.
I find your post very interesting, since I am a person who also takes all my close relationships serious, not just the bf/gf ones. This person actually sounds like a very good friend, and it sounds like you want to keep her in your life. Hopefully not only because you see more that you can get out of it. That comment did set me back a little, sounding like you would just dump her as a friend but there was still more she had to offer you. So....perhaps a step back is in order. Not only to get a handle on the rutt you've seem to have gotten into, but also evaluate what friendships mean to you. I've been around and have had many acquaintances in life, but very few real friends. The kind that are with you through thick and thin. When I look back on several of these acquaintances I realize they were fair weather friends, and "friends" like that are a dime a dozen. This person sounds like someone who will be there for you in the bad times as well as the good times. And don't fool yourself, there will be bad times! OK
All that being said, lets talk about the rutt. Also something I can relate to with people. If they are in that roll in one area they tend to get carried away with themselves. I also find this trait annoying in people. Like just cuz you can use advice in one area doesn't mean you are not of superior knowledge and experience in another. I get it! The other person seemingly doesn't want to let go of that role of feeling superior. That is the synical way to say it. But since you describe this person in such a complimentary way, it does seem more like what you say "big sis/little sis" type relationship and she seems to have grown protective of you as well as very fond of you. How do you change that? I wouldn't admit in any way that you need a break from her. But you could have extenuating circumstances that requires less time to be spent together. Because I think it's true a step back can help break some old habits. I'm really winging this as I have no idea how to break the rut w/o a break. That is the way I have handled some relationships in my own life. Because when I come back to them, it's just unnatural to have someone speak to me the way they have grown accustomed, and I find it more natural to respond in a way that is not insulting but clear. It is almost like changing the relationship with a parent to an adult to adult one. So....I'm realizing I am not making a very good "dear abbey" correspondent here. lol But I do think backing off a little w the amount of time spent together might help. I think responses in a joking manner might be best received when she gets to teacher-y. And if you are ready to explode that can't be good so for the sake of the friendship you have got to get a handle on this sooner than later. How about "I know, I look young, but I wasn't really born yesterday" then a little wink and nudge. Idk, something like that so she can laugh at herself and realize you do understand some things. Well....hope I helped, and didn't just ramble on. good luck.
jojored--You might be right. I just haven't figure out yet how to say what I want to say without hurting her. I think part of that though is working through all my mixed feelings here so I actually have something clear, succinct and kind to say.
AgentSmith--I'm sorry you ended up having to cut that particular friend out--something I'm trying to avoid. I don't feel right labeling someone with a mental disease as I'm clearly unqualified, however, she has self diagnosed herself with seasonal affective disorder. Coming off the tail end of winter here, I have probably been seeing some of these qualities magnified. Maybe that's part of the reason I'm particularly a little more annoyed with it all.
Thank you everyone for your ideas. You've given me much to think about.
Shining a mirror back at someone by using sarcasm in the form of humour, could bring attention to her ill-mannered dismissal when she asks for your advice. If you respond to her question with a question by saying, "are you asking for my opinion, or are you seeking validation?" it puts you at a level playing field, and pulls her back down to reality.
Wishing you well.
From what you mentionned above about her talking endlessly almost about her big moments it is possible that she is insecure within herself ,but won't talk about that when she is medicated by her listeners, including you. She seems to need an excessive amount of attention. The question is, do you want to keep giving her all this attention by means of what appears to be a monologue,among other questions that paper and pencil work might raise. There is no fundamental answer to your question. You have to do what is right for you.You may approach her negative issues verbally by stating that there is something you need to say that needs to be said ,otherwise you will have resentment towards her which you would rather not have. Then in explaining try to use as many first person pronouns as possible and as few second person pronouns as possible.. This keeps the focus on you rather then on her and she just might be more receptive. Good luck. :)
I like your idea for making a list, sort of like pros and cons. I might employ that along with writing that unsent letter that Lenoire suggested.