Hi is a “hen”
like a bachelorette party?

I personally think she was being a jerk. Like I get she is the bride and it’s her special experience but life happens Your priority is your well being and your baby’s well being, full stop.

This reminds me why I always hated being in a wedding party. Being a bridesmaid carries far more importance than it should and so much of it is just self indulgent BS. I’ve been a bridesmaid in 5 weddings, two in my brothers’ weddings. The other three in my friends’ weddings. One I’ve remained in touch with and the other two… we just drifted and IT’S OK. My point is it doesn’t actually carry the weight we think it does for the long haul.

You hold your head high and take care of you. We gotta make our own closure, however feels right. I would try to not sweat it and not trip over yourself to kiss her ass. Just my opinion of course.

Hi rmb,

Yes a hen is the same as a bachelorette.

Thank you for such a clear response. I think the reason it is bothering me is because a part of me feels she is right, she did alot for me and I feel like the bad guy for not reciprocating.

But the circumstances were very different and did try. I would have tried alot harder had I not been demoted 4 days after a traumatic birth.

She was a close friend, I guess sometimes people change its just so sad.

I would like her to value the friendship enough to alk to me, but I don't know why she won't and I can't make her.

Would you have any thoughts on how to get closure?

I really appreciate you taking the time to reply.

Hi Candyx
The health of your baby and yourself had to come first. As a friend she should have acknowledged that, even though she was getting married. Health is what matters.
She was a close friend who should have seen the importance of what you were going through. You had good reason for not doing as much as she would have liked ; you had a premature baby and were going through a difficult time.
Maybe she is showing her true colors? From what you write, it doesn’t seem like you’ve done anything wrong. But whatever makes you feel better you have to do.

Hi
My son was also born prematurely. For me, it was a pretty overwhelming experience. Doesn't sound like your friend, the bride has a clue about what you are going through. I found the experience of having a preemie to be a bit traumatic. I wonder, and it is obviously your choice, if you should bow out for obvious reasons and try to be a guest at the wedding if you're feeling up to it. Good luck. Take care of you and your family

Hello, Candyx.

A loss of a friend, for any reason is a painful thing. I'm sorry you have had this sad experience.

None of us know exactly what to do or feel in any given situation in life, and we make decisions based on what we know or believe we know, and based on our life experiences and maturity.

Maybe your special friend, someone who helped you in other situations just got caught up in the excitement and bits of hype involved in wedding, and wasn't mature enough to imagine your situation and have empathy for you rather than feel disrespected in some way because of some impact on her wedding or the wedding party.

Since she seems to have cut off communicating with you to discuss this, perhaps this is just a time your paths go different ways, and you can get your closure in part by continuing to carry in your heart every good thing you both had from being friends. It takes me a long time to let go ruminating on having been hurt and so cut oft by someone you still deeply care about, but sometimes this final gift to carry away in our hearts is the knowledge that we were able to give the kind of forgiveness we would have wanted ourselves and move on.

You don't have to engage with her or explain further or defend what went on for you regarding being a bridesmaid, but it may give you comfort to write her a note/letter/text or some other communication and let her know all the good she has added to your life and let her know that since it seems that you are each going your separate ways at this time that you hope that at some point down the road she is available for a hug for all she has meant to you, which you treasure. Do you SEND that letter? As Marian said, you do what is best for you. What you need for closure is unique to you.

Take care.

Did she tell you that’s why she was upset with you, because she had done a lot for you?

I think there are obviously 2 sides to everything. Each person has their own point of view and perspective. Do you regret caring for your baby and for yourself during that time. If no then be at peace. That’s the closure.

Thank you all for the replies it means a lot and is really helping.

Marian2 I think you are right and perhaps she has changed and her new colours are quite different to the person I knew. I also get a sense that the "real bridesmaids" have interjected with their view and made things much worse.

Thank you for the empathy Janny, it certainly is traumatic. The wedding has passed now but in hindsight I do whish had bowed out as a bridesmaid but I really wanted to be there for her as she was one of mine.

Very wise words Ouilliam, I love the thought of the final gift being to know we can forgive :) I did send a little note to say something similar. She replied by a text saying "we are good" which confused me further as we clearly are not.

I think I will make a final effort to speak to her, if this does not work for my own sanity I do want to send a final message to say I can see that she is not "good" with me as she said and that I don't really understand but would welcome the chance to speak in future.

That way at least she knows that I do not understand. I kind of feel like she is afraid to face me?

RMB she did not tell me that she is upset for that reason, it is just the only sense I can make of it.

I wish I could just let it go, I have never experienced anything quite so painful before. Apart from of course my poorly baby who is doing very well now! xx

We call women like this bridezillas in the US. She’s self absorbed and not a nice person. Your life and baby had to come first. She fired you and then probably decided she needed to use you in the wedding party for some reason.

She made you the target of her blame.


Now you know how abusive and selfish she is. She’s not a real friend. Pick people with a good character and high integrity next time. Just see this as a good lesson in life. You learned something about bad people like this gal.


It’s rejection and it hurts. You felt special and included and then she fired you. Didn’t care about you or the baby. You were supposed to be her slave as a bridesmaid, I guess.

Oh, closure is a myth. Humans have memories and feelings. These recede but never go away.

This woman is going to blame you no matter what. Don’t call her because she can’t give you closure— and remind yourself of the good lessons you learned. Focus on the good in your life not allowing her to live rent free in your head. Move forward in life. She can’t give you closure. Focus on those that do want you in their lives and are loving, giving, other centered people.

People’ change. She has changed; you have changed. Our priorities change. Life changes us. It happens.

Sometimes friendships serve a certain time or period in our life and eventually fade due to circumstances or priorities or where we are in life. She actually may be good with where the friendship is now, even if you are not. Maybe she just wants space and is trying to work through it herself.

Thanks for this Hasty, I suppose what is hard and makes it confusing is up until last year she really was one of the most supportive people in my life! It was literally like the wedding changed her and I had hoped she would see it clearer afterwards but actually she has gotten worse.

I think she has convinced herself she is right and I have no chance of her seeing it any differently now as it seems she has others backing her up.

Your words make a lot of sense, she did fire me and now somehow it is all my fault and I don't understand why.

It's scary that you can think you know someone and then they can hurt you in that way, I have known her since I was 5!

You are right she cannot give me closure, I don't think it is attainable it will probably always hurt. Any advice on how to focus on the good and stop her living in my head?

I am very lucky to have others in my life who are not perfect but I cannot see them ever doing that to me. I am trying to be more connected to them and use this experience to enhance my better relationships.

Thanks RMB, I had thought maybe I just need to give her time.

An added layer is that it is my sisters hen this month which I have planned with the other bridesmaids. They gave been extremely compassionate and I have actually done very little.

I am worried she will see the hen, assume I had tine to plan it and attend and use this as ammo to hate me even though her hen was in February. 6 months have passed and I am in a much better place so is my baby.

I am expecting this but any tips on how to handle it? Thank you

Accept you have no control over what she may think about you. The circumstances are different. You didn’t just have a baby, this is your sister, etc.

Try to not care so much about what other people think.

You have a wonderful caring heart. Enjoy your sweet baby, and enjoy your sister's celebration. No one can make the world right for a person who decides to be unhappy, so you can still love such a person as a relationship you have outgrown but not continue to try to fix what they have broken in your relationship or defend yourself for issues they may have created in their own minds. It really is ok to move on and invest your free time from being a mom (!?) in people who treat you with the same love and understanding as you treat them, and build those relationships which are mutually supportive and nurturing.

I agree with what others have written..... The health of you and your baby come first and foremost

I also agree with bridezilla.......I think anyone should 'get' that the health of a new mother and a premature baby would come first

Big hug.... xo