Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I am curious... for those of us in sexless marriages.... There are many who have kids and say all else in their marriage is very good. But are denied sex ( for one reason or another) If there was an unstated , unwritten understanding that if you were cautious and discreet and did actually come across someone who also was interested you would get a free pass... as long as you returned safely home to family and life all was still good and continued as normal.
It seems there are many wealthyand powerful people who have done this for years. They get to continue their lifestyles and keep their families intact, and are free from any guilt over not providing affection and sex for the other party.
Do you ever think about whether you would have sex with someone else since your spouse refuses you? What if they did reluctantly allow you to?
For me, I had to file and begin divorce proceedings before I could even consider it. My stbx knows me well enough to know I couldn't cheat as long as we are still married. In my mind, having started things, it is like I have informed him I am not happy and beginning to move on. It is funny that so many of us do take all our vows seriously and even when we are denied affection and sex,we still stay faithful (just kind of unhappy and empty).
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I did the dumbest thing today. I charged my earbuds, unplugged the block and put the block in my little bag instead of the earbuds. I wasn't happy about that when I got to the gym. What a dummy!
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Ever since I stopped doing therapy because of insurance, I've been feeling that old tense and irritable sense of anxiety and stress. I hate that. I was making so many strides and changes during therapy, my therapist would acknowledge all of my progress and accomplishments, and I miss that reassurance. Today I thought about it, and I made those changes! She would always tell me that I chose to...
In my marriage, the sex counts for allot, perhaps more in the absence than in the presence, but it is only one of many factors. Ditto for faith and loyalty. Forcing my husband to deny his own needs doesn't strike me as either faithful or loyal on either side. We dance with what Life sends us, even if it doesn't fit well in a contemporary romance movie. The honesty helps us keep the affection alive, even without the sex.
Hope you find what you are looking for, Veggie. Gentle support while you work it out.
For couples who have an agreement about “free passes” I find it hard to believe it would be an unspoken agreement. It would be something discussed and mutually agreed upon. It has to be.
Unspoken agreements are really one person screwing around and the other choosing to
put their head in the sand. That is not an agreement. That’s just kind of ... awful to me, for everyone involved. The person with their head in the sand is at their lowest and so is the person screwing around. That isn’t about vows at that point. It’s about each person’s lack of self respect.
I would stay strong in your plan to leave your marriage. You are not happy. It must be hard to still live with your spouse. It gives him so much opportunity to plant seeds of doubt, to try to convince you to stay. But you really do hold the cards to your happiness. Stay the course.
@rmb--- At this point I have hung on this long and doubt things will change. In my mind though, when someone asked me what my thinking is on this now.... I did actually wonder. I was wondering more on the behalf of others.
If there were more people like arfie who did truly love and trust their spouse, and allowed them to find some release without shame or guilt or simply expecting them to ignore it... There would be many less who had to come here looking for support and understanding.
I have to admit--- It is difficult living under the same roof as it gives him more opportunity each day to plant more doubts (partly for me to stay and partly for me to think I will not make it on my own and noone will treat me as good as he does. (Yeah, that did make me laugh too.) I am trying to stand firm and keep on course. it is still sometimes a struggle.
Thank you both for the kind words and support.
Hang in there!