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Feeling like I'm making my relationship unhealthy

try2loveme
try2loveme

I never thought I would find someone I feel could be a forever love. Yet, I feel I have found that. I found someone I truly feel is an amazing person. Our relationship started out strong, but soon after getting together I realized his ex-wife would be a very contributing factor to our relationship. Because I come from a codependent past, I KNEW if I didn't stay strong with my mental healthy, this was a recipe for disaster. Dealing with an ex-wife of a very long enmeshed relationship is SUPER challenging. They have older children and she would repeatedly try to make contact that I felt wasn’t appropriate. Every time this would happen, my boyfriend and I would discuss, sometimes argue and eventually come to an understanding.


I will feel better and then a couple weeks or months later, something else happens and I get on the emotionally rollercoaster again.


It’s not fair to him to have me continue to get so upset, but I also feel its not fair to me, as the newer relationship, to have to just accept this ex because they have children. The children are almost adults. It first started out with contact with him under the premise it was about the kids and now, it's comments on social media, contacting his family and telling them she misses them. I shouldn't care. He has repeatedly said he loves me. He shows me. I don't feel he's being dishonest. I just do NOT want to get into an unhealthy habit of caring about someone who I know doesn't like me, probably never will and someone who is toxic. She will be in the kids life forever, so trying to find a balance for my mental health.  

rmb
rmb
Why isn't he telling her to knock it off? I mean, it's not really your thing to deal with. It's his thing to deal with. His family should also not indulge her.
try2loveme
try2loveme
They shouldn't, but they do. Talking 20 years my boyfriend was with her, had children, married, divorced and I've only been in the picture for almost 3. It has gotten better, less intrusive, but she's just so toxic. She is remarried, so it's just so strange that she makes comments, but sometimes, with the ease of social media...I find I search for it. I know she does it, so what does it matter? The family care about me, they are so nice to me and I sympathize it is a unique situation.

Both the ex wife's parents died, and I know all she has is her current husband, some of her estranged family and her kids, but she really reaches sometimes.
rmb
rmb
Don’t search for it. I know that’s like an itch you gotta scratch but honestly you can’t control anyone but you. So managing what is within your control instead of worrying about her and what she does is a good way to feel more secure.

I married someone with kids and an ex wife and it hasn’t always been easy. She and I just are completely opposite people but I kind of stayed out of things between them unless my husband needed my support. There is a reason they are no longer married. So there was nothing for me to worry about when they did have to connect about the kids and what not.
Vince3789
Vince3789
I think you are entitled to your own feelings. But, you should also recognize when your feelings are taking over and closing your mind.

I think this kind of stress causes us to hyper-focus and create issues that might not be there.

Your connection and his ex's connection are two different things. He is in love with you and he LOVED her. Trust that and hold on to that. Love is too precious to be corrupted by phantom issues.
urbangardener
urbangardener
You say this man is enmeshed with his ex-wife. If this is accurate assessment, then my advice is to really think about this. It might be that you are chasing another unavailable man. It could be that the lesson for you in your life at this time is to let go, detach with love, and focus on yourself. In or out of relationship with this man. He has kids, even almost grown kids need their mom and dad. You want him to have no past, to have no other entanglements. I don't know where the problem really lies here, if you are not thinking rationally but emotionally, or if this guy is truly not available for a future with you due to his enmeshment with his ex. Or maybe both. The more you react out of fear and low self esteem, the more you want him to change and be different, the more drama this can cause. I appreciate and applaud that you are trying to put your mental health and wellness first. This is something I think is number one. Best to you.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
I know I'm taking the other side here and I'm just thinking about our family..... My brother and his ex go to some of the same events and invite each other... Their kids are grown but now there are grandkids

They all seem to get along and truly just see each other now and then due to the children

Do you think that there's more to this then the children??

We used to regularly visit with my ex SIL with the kids and it always seemed to work …. It was over between she and my brother but we'd been friends for a long time and to just turn that friendship off didn't seem right to me

Is there something inappropriate going on?? Does she try and mesh herself into your life? or is it really about the kids?? Even older kids??

I think it was nice that we could all get along for the kids but also for the family.... My brother and her now go to some of the same events it's been over for so long

Does she call to talk about the kids or is there more to it??
try2loveme
try2loveme
She cheated, multiple times. My BF, who definitely had his faults, was deeply scared by the cheating. The new spouse of the ex, has been known to be abusive and they together have had wild fights where the children (almost adult) have had to call cops to come break it up. All around not healthy. I have an Aunt who divorced after a long marriage and I still will spend time with her ex, still call him my Uncle, although its becoming less as I get older. This is what makes it so strange the reaching out. There were years of toxic behavior, years of anger and mistreatment that although forgiveness is the healing that comes with time, The comments and things that are done, almost seem like they are calculated.

So it's not really being paranoid for no reason. The ex has known toxic behavior that they are doing nothing to make better (no therapy), but because I know that, because I know what a healthy split looks like, and what one doesn't. I revert back to the gut instinct of the ex never having good intentions and for me to stay far away or not look to be "friends".

And then the whole thought of "if we all hang out", are we just accepting the abusive behavior of the current spouse?

It's a wormhole of overthinking for me and putting myself in check is what I will have to do. It helps to write it out and see how ridiculous my thinking can get or be.
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