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Feel like my relationship is on hold...

tk4909
tk4909

So I feel like my marriage is on hold right now. My husband is in the military and currently deployed. I feel like we are both pretty laid back and low maintenance when it comes to many things in life. However, I feel like my husband is not putting forth any effort to maintain our relationship. I asked him several times before he left to send me picture or even facetime so I could see him. I'm lucky if I get a phone call once a week. He does text me everyday, but it's literally the same exact thing every day... "good moring" "how are you" "what are you doing" etc... just some pretty genric texts that he sends in the same exact order every day, and nothing that haves any kind of indepth. I feel like I'm just a box he is checking off his list for the day (which I have told him) and not someone he is actually interested in talking to. He has not tried to videochat or anything. I expressed how much it would mean to me if he would do that before he left and a couple more times since he has left and still nothing. I will add he has a personal internet hotspot so internet is not an issue.



Due to covid-19 his deployment has been extended several months and we don't even know if he'll be home this year. Crazy I know. But I'm not sure how I'm suppose to maintian a healthy relationship who is not showing any interesting. I know this situation is unqiue for many reasons but I still feel like my marriage is non-exsistent at this point...

Vince3789
Vince3789
Welcome to DS! Hope this site helps you!

I think you might want to consider what he could be going through.

Also, how does he handle stress when he’s home? Does he open up? Does he share his feelings?

Because, I think when you are deployed, you can only let a certain number of things cloud your mind, so you can do everything you can to stay alive and get home to your loved ones.

Also, if you feel like things are getting stale, but you want to bother him right now, start to keep a journal. Write down all of your feelings, get them out for you, and then once you feel comfortable to, share them with him.

Feel your feelings, but try not let them overtake your days.

People are here to help, if you keep up with the site!
mlr0853
mlr0853
Life is very hard for many people...Worse for those on the front lines in hospitals and protecting our Country.
If you are in service, there should be people you can contact if you are feeling isolated. In our suffering we learn compassion, perhaps your suffering could reach out to hubby with more understanding...and maybe a Huge Box of chocolate chip cookies for the troop he is in. Day in and day out to a lesser degree for us, our lives are on the line. ((Hugs))
Ontime2019
Ontime2019
Father in Heaven, please bless their marriage today and every day. Bring life and vitality to this relationship and do for them what they can not do for themselves. Cause him to feel the value of his wife’s humble requests and give him a strong desire to see her face on video. Reorganize his time and priorities to make it feasible for this to happen on a daily basis. Heal her hurt. Teach her to give 100% and find satisfaction in her contribution to the relationship. Be the Lord of their lives as you cause the conditions and opportunities to be just right for them to walk in complete surrender to Your will and Your way. In Jesus’ name, Amen. I love you both. Be blessed.
veggiequeen
veggiequeen
TK. welcome. I understand how it feels. My late husband was here under the same roof but we also had no communication or much of anything anymore for years. It is horrible to live in limbo....and especially now being isolated even further.

I am thinking if he continues to politely skim over things and not want to talk....maybe if you did write down how you are feeling and send that to him? It would help you to know you said what you needed to...maybe if he sees it,it would give him a chance to try to understand and be open at least to a face time or video chat?

Hang in there....and keep reaching out. My thought,prayers, and hugs are with you. Kim
veggiequeen
veggiequeen
I am sure he is struggling with his issues over there....But you need to tell him how YOU are feeling with all this... wanting to be there for him and missing him and the connection you once had. The fact that you fear this distance and quiet could lead you both down a very sad lonely path?

I hope things may improve for you both or at the very least you are able to talk and find out if things have changed. Ending the limbo and giving you answers.
tk4909
tk4909
Thank you for the replies everyone!

I love the idea of keeping a journal and will start doing that. I'm trying to be understanding of what he is going through as well. However it just stinks to hear that he's playing games with his friends all day and watching netflix on his phone but doesn't really consider some of the things I ask of him. They aren't deployed to a combat zone and really are only gone so they can help train our allies. So they have a lot of luxuries they wouldn't have otherwise. But I do understand it's probably hard for him to be in a foreign country for so long without some of the comforts of one's own home especially since he is a home body.... Just difficult times with covid-19 and having to be isolated at home by myself 1,000 miles away from family, not able to see local friends, and now having a hard time communicating with him.

Thanks everyone!
Yard_Eggs
Yard_Eggs
Once upon a time, before the internet, texting, Facetime, Skype, etc, people wrote letters. Long letters full of feelings, short notes to "just say hi".

I find it difficult to fully express my feelings and thoughts in a quick text - it just seems rushed. And on "auto-pilot". So I write letters. I take my time when writing, and the recipient can take their time to read and re-read. Something about holding a letter, seeing you loved-ones handwriting, makes me feel much closer and connected.

Just a suggestion...
mlr0853
mlr0853
I'm so glad for you and your husband that he is not in actual combat. What you write takes a different twist since he's playing games? It's Very Hard for you, and I thank you for the sacrifices you are both taking for our Country. I do hope you will find a way to open communication and have your needs met. Best to you!
https://brenebrown.com/blog/2018/12/04/leading-from-hurt-versus-leading-from-heart/
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
Welcome tk..... Since he's not in combat I don't think that there's anything wrong with letting him know that you need more and how the separation is effecting you

Maybe have some ideas in place that could help when you speak to him... I wouldn't do this via texting... I'd let him know that you'd like to speak to him

Big hug.... I'm sure that the separation is that much harder with the virus.... xo
tk4909
tk4909
Yard_Eggs I actually love letters. I send him with one every time he leaves. For this deployment I even wrote a letter for the beginning of each month for him to read. I would also even go as far to say that I never felt closer to him than I did when he was basic training and letters were all we had. Maybe I will suggest this!

Thank you also mlr0853 and SunCloudJD for the kind words and suggestions!
Yard_Eggs
Yard_Eggs
If I were you, I would not suggest that HE write letters. I suggest that you start writing letters to him. Every evening before you go to bed, write to him about your day. Share your day with him. He will feel closer to you, and in turn, may be more likely to share more of himself with you. There is something very romantic about letters.
tk4909
tk4909
That makes sense. Thanks!
walkerjam
walkerjam
From my experience, when the person you're texting falls into the same repetitive pattern and doesn't really seem interested in the conversation, it sometimes helps to mix it up a bit! For example, if he's the person to always text good morning first, wake up a little earlier and send a picture of the sunrise with a sweet note like good morning! Wish you were here with me! Or later on through the day, send a message about something funny or interesting that happened. This way, there are new things to talk about and it's not just a formulated good morning, good night kind of conversation. Another idea is to ask what he's doing and if he's not busy with anything important, call him over facetime yourself. I hope things get better for you soon!
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