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I have gone through counseling twice with my husband, plus many many talks that turn into arguments. This letter is my last attempt to reach my husband or I have to move on. Please give me your feedback here and tell me what you think.
I’ve had a hard time writing this. Every time I sit down and try to put my thoughts down here, my mind shuts down because nothing I’ve said up to this point has made a difference with you. I’m so frustrated and angry most of the time. I don’t like the direction our relationship has gone in. I really want to work on things, but I can’t do it by myself. The anxiety is a result of this frustration. I wake up from bad dreams, mostly involving you, and I think, If we just sit down and I talk to him about what’s bothering me so much, he’ll see what it’s doing to me and we can work on it. Then I remember how many talks we’ve had that turned into arguments and how many times we’ve gone to counseling. What’s it going to take to get you to pay attention to what’s happening to us? How far we’re growing apart. The fact that your wife is always defensive and feels like she has to protect herself from you emotionally. We’re in a downward spiral and I’m at a complete loss since nothing has worked so far.
Let me start by asking what the deal is by all the recent name calling? I don’t understand why you say things like ‘quit acting like a bitch’ or even calling me a selfish bitch. I don’t call you a prick or a selfish bastard or any other derogatory name to make you feel insecure or bad about yourself. I find it extremely hurtful that you do. I am not selfish. Coming to you and asking for what I need in our relationship, or asking you to show some consideration for the things I like or don’t like to do isn’t selfish. It’s what a wife should be able to do with her husband without worrying that he’ll call her names or ignore her.
These last 2 times when we did football games with others, I’ve been amazed at how you disregard what I ask, or completely ignore the way we have done things in the past. When we’ve been in Lincoln on game days, we have always left early to avoid traffic when we’re coming back late, like it was when I asked to leave. Also, when we go to the sports bar to watch a game together, we always leave at half time so we can go home and I can do other stuff. The only time we ever stay for a whole game is when we go to watch the Super Bowl. You know I don’t care for football. When we started planning to watch a little football together so we could spend time doing something you liked, it was with this understanding. That it would be for only part of the time. So now, I’ve got you going back on what was our previous agreement. You forced me to stay for 5 hours of football knowing I would hate being there for that long. You ignored me when I said I’d like to head home at half time, then you had the nerve to tell me I was being a selfish bitch. Do you care at all about me? Think about this. When have I ever forced you to spend your whole day doing something that I knew you wouldn’t like to do, then called you names because you said you were ready to leave… family functions don’t count since they’re unpleasant for both of our families due to our siblings and your mom. I keep wondering though, why do you think it’s only your decision to make if we stay or go, and screw your wife and what she might want?
I’m trying to figure out why you’ve changed so many of the things that were important things to me when we dated and married. You started pushing me away when I wanted to cuddle, then started to sit on the floor while I sat on the couch. You won’t do the dances that I like or hold me close when we dance. You keep me at arms length which I hate. You smack on me too hard, at times bringing me to tears or making me so angry I yell at you. I saw you a few times, turning away to hide your smile when I became angry. And this started me thinking that you like doing things to me that you know I don’t like. You take pleasure in it, telling me you just wanted to get a rise out of me, your just giving me a hard time. The only thing you’re doing is hurting me or making me feel angry. Don’t you understand that you can’t keep doing things to someone after they’ve asked you to stop and have them believe that you care about them.
These types of situations are the reason that I’m questioning everything I ever believed about us. This is the exact opposite of what I thought we would be like together. It is not only my responsibility to give up everything I want or need in our relationship. It is our job to compromise and find a middle ground that we can both be happy with. You and I had found that middle ground with football where I was willing to watch some of it with you so we could share a little of what you love. But now, you watch football all weekend long, and you ignore me when I tell you that I’ve had enough when we’re out. You owe it to me to respect that since we’ve already discussed this. I have to wonder how much of your football obsession is due to the gambling and if that might be getting out of hand, but thats a topic for a later discussion.
When are my feelings and opinions going to be important to you? Right now you zone out on me, dismiss most things I’ve talked to you about saying it’s not as bad as all that, or tell me it didn’t happen the way I say it did. And all I’m thinking when you say these things is that you either don’t take me seriously anymore, or your not being honest with me because you don’t want to deal with our problems. You don’t appreciate the things I do for us either. You give me the impression that bringing money into the household is the only thing that matters. That the things I contribute to the household aren’t as important as that. This attitude started when we bought this house because you never did this before. You also never gave me so much crap about not making dinner during the week, since I’m at work and can’t unless I do a crockpot meal. So let me tell you that what I have to offer does matter and is very important to this household. I don’t deserve to have the things I do belittled. I may not do everything the way you think I should, but you don’t do the things you should either. You often leave me hanging when you’ve said you’d me help me with a problem or have made promises to me. You are able to ask my for my help and be sure that I will be there to help you when I promise to. It’s very important to me to be there when my husband needs me. So why isn’t that a priority for you? You haven’t considered your promises to me a priority in a long long time.
Our sex life has to change if we’re going to be able to have one. I can’t keep going along with what we have now. I can’t keep feeling responsible for taking care of your needs while your ignoring mine. Do you realize that I can’t remember the last time I also got to finish when we had sex? It’s either a quickie for you because you’re too excited and can’t hold it, or you jump on too fast, don’t do any of the things that turn me on and excite me, and after 10 minutes, make me feel like I’m taking too long and then I can’t come. None of our sex life is about me and what I like, and I can no longer relax, trust you’ll take care of me, and enjoy what I do. And none of this seems to bother you since you have no problem falling right asleep after. Just because what you’re doing feels good to you does not mean it feels good to me. I don’t think you completely get this. You leave me feeling worthless and unloved in all of it. You fall asleep and I stay up crying because this is so not what I thought our relationship would be like. You need to understand that you cannot take a woman who was a victim of childhood sexual abuse, treat her this way in the bedroom and not have her feel used and unimportant to you. If you want to have a sexually enthusiastic wife, you have to be a considerate lover. Any woman would be hurt by the things you’re doing if you do it all the time.
We also have all these issues with the money coming into the house. I find it questionable that you won’t tell me exact amounts of what your part time check is each time it comes. The same when you do side jobs. I have to wonder what else your hiding if you can’t just tell me and share some of the spending money. You’ll tell me an approximate amount, then spend a lot more than you said you had. If you’re not being honest about this, what else are you not being honest about. There have been several things that I got the impression that you were not being honest about. Money in the marriage is supposed to be ours, but you treat it like it’s yours and I don’t have a right to any of it. You keep it in your wallet or put up somewhere instead of making it accessible for both of us and planning together how to spend it on what we need or want. I’m not going to force you to do anything, but I won’t stay around forever with a man who seems to have so little consideration and respect for me. We talked about all these things, that I’ve brought up in this letter, before we married. We had come to an understanding about everything and I thought we were on the same page with what we thought and what we wanted for our relationship. I want a partner, not a man who thinks I’m so stupid that I can’t have any say in the things that affect me. I matter too! The things that I want or need in this marriage are important too. We absolutely need to get to work on this marriage or we are not going to make it very much longer. Because if you don’t respect and value me, then we don’t have anything.
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Here is my new brother, copper :) He's so tiny! Moo and Tuck were ok with him on first meeting. Rocket due to his severe aggression will never meet Cooper.
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https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTDeA9Wxg/
I know this sounds a little different , but I would organize this whole letter as if you are writing a proposal.
For example :
1. We are growing apart. List examples and it's what you want him to do. Like : counseling, scheduled dates
2. Re-establish respect.
Example: name calling and why it is destructive.
What you want him to do:
No name calling, speak to me as if you would speak to your co-worker or a friend, not your slave
3. Finances. Examples of what is wrong and propose a concerted intervention:
Check with each other on purchase greater than 200$
A separate account for bills, etc
Pretend like you are approaching a member of your work team.
4. Sex. List your issues and say exactly what you want him to do or not want him to do
I hate to generalize, but every time I talked to my partner's about feelings , they don't retain anything unless I physically hand them a list
I m no expert in relationships because I always pick the wrong men anyway, but I m good at making convincing arguments and proposals.
Do you think this would work for him?
His ability to comprehend reading material is not very good. Just as bad when he listens to recorded books. I have struggled up to this point because nothing is working to get my point across with him. He actually yelled at our last Counseler and refused to go to another appointment because he felt she was judging him. This woman who is probably the least judgmental woman I know. I think he felt guilty once the crap he's doing came out. told him it's not her job to judge us, but to help us with our alternatives, and find our compromising middle ground. Anyway, his problem is focus. If it's not work or sports related, his attention span is very small. To a degree, I don't believe this letter will work. I kind of thought about giving him each point on a note card and going through things one item at a time over a couple weeks. What are your thoughts on that?
You are right...one person can't fix this and if he is not willing to try.........Move On.
As gregsbaby put it, Life is too short for you not to be happy. There are plenty of other men out there that would cherish your fairness and compassion. Maybe it is time for a separation so that you can clear your head. It's going to hurt but think of how freeing it will be to not to cater to a selfish, uncaring person.
Do you think that he may have a mental health health problem or a personality problem? Usually people don't just flip out on a counselor unless they are pushed and you are saying the counselor is nice., so there is clearly an issue with boundaries and controlling himself.
someone I knew was kind of like that until she got diagnosed with adult ADHD and she actually did so much better on Concerta.
When reading this all I could see was that you're blaming him for everything that's ever gone wrong in your marriage.... I think if someone is constantly blamed they stop trying (this is just the way I'm reading what you've written)
I do think things ALWAYS change in a marriage from the dating stage.... When people are being wooed it's much different then when a comfort level sets in
If he loves football and you don't like it maybe he should go with one of his buddies ( just an example)
Name calling should absolutely not happen
Has the marriage counselling that you've been in talk about how to constructively have discussions with one another?
If you feel you've tried everything you can and if you aren't both plugged in then I agree maybe it's time to move on...
This would be hard.... I've had marriage breakdown as well and it's hard to go through.... Big hug......xo
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/how-to-effectively-approach-your-partner-about-relationship-issues-0613135
Nowadays, he wants to pretend nothing's wrong. We’ll talk over issues and agree on a plan of action, then in a few days, its like that conversation never took place. He continues the same hurtful behaviors. When going through counseling, this was one of the main issues that we were trying to tackle. His tendency to zone out or even forget when I had asked if he could help me with a problem. Our counselor had asked him about getting a marker board calendar and start writing things down to help with this. We picked one up the weekend after our first session. When unpacking items, I left it on the table for him to decide where he’d like to place it. He never put it up and never actually followed through with anything. Our counselor asked us each time we went in how things were going, and then would ask if he had started using the white board. In our last session, she again asked him if he had put up his white board. Like every other session, he would chuckle and say, not yet, I really need to get to that. Then at the end, when we had talked about being able to write stuff down to remember, he blew up at the counselor saying “who really does shit like that!” He ranted a little bit, but I was stunned that he’d yelled at her. I, and many others I know, set alarms on their phones or write stuff down on a calendar as reminders so this was completely out of left field. I never asked him to go again, but went alone after that. I’ve done the counseling as well as many, MANY, marital/ relationship guide audiobooks from authors such as Dr. Schlessinger. I feel like I’ve done my best to communicate my feelings under the circumstances. I have also told him that I don’t think that he is the only one that needs to change and have communicated to him a few of the things that I feel I do wrong. Why else would I go through the counseling alone.
Our counselor had explored the possibility of ADHD with James in the few sessions we had. Our problems with money kind of hinders us being able to afford to go through testing and medication. James is very irresponsible and careless with money. He throws it around constantly paying for people’s drinks and sometimes meals. He wants to spend more than we can afford on going out for expensive dinners, and the bar on the weekends. Lunches out all the time during the week. One major example of his outrageous overspending and the lack of fairness with the spending money is this. He will spend $100’s (one year he spent $1000) on fireworks for 3rd and 4th of July parties, but resents the idea of putting back an equal amount of money for me to have for something I would like to buy for myself. He has been caught lying about money too. We can’t afford this kind of attitude about spending. He complains about not having enough money, but refuses to control himself.
As far as this letter looking like I’m blaming him for everything, yes, I can see why you would get that vibe from it. It’s why I’ve written and rewritten this letter over the last 2 1/2 weeks. It’s also why I’m thinking it would be better to write down each subject on a note card and try to sit down and use them to talk things over one thing at a time instead of overwhelming him with all of it at once. My biggest problem is that I have so little hope. You see, our sex life boarders on abusive, if not outright abusive. It’s hard to believe that a man could be that inconsiderate and still love you. He is treating me like it doesn’t matter if I get to enjoy the sex as long as he can do his business with little effort and go to sleep. Most the time it’s only a minute or two. I feel like a human toilet when he does this. So these are a few of the reasons my resentment runs so deep. He finds what I enjoy about something we do together, then takes that element out of the activity. What I can’t figure out is if it’s deliberate, or he’s sub-consciously doing this. So now I spend all my weekend alone in my art room or hanging out with my mother or favorite cousin because he’s watching football all weekend, and I’m avoiding intimacy for the above reason.
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The book his brain her brain, Showed me how he thinks, . but if they are willing to meet you half way it doesn't matter.
My ex SIL was in a relationship much like this and I found it really sad and was frankly really glad when it was finally over for her sake...... Everyone deserves to be treated with value and respect
What reasons do you see to stay with him ?