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Empty nest and divorce

barnmaidbren
barnmaidbren
My husband and I have been together for 21 years come January 1, 2016. Our last child left the home June 30th. Hubby is a recovering alcoholic. He is also suffering from depression and his health is not what it could be. He is in general a miserable human being. Guess who's far that is? Did you guess? Yep somehow all the woes of life are my fault. this man totally ignores me won't do anything with or for me does not participate in the running of our home. he expect me to do absolutely everything. we both work full-time long hours. he comes home and he sits in his chair and watches TV then my work begins. he will not help at all with anything. However he does not hesitate to ask me for things and expect me to take care of everything. if I say no or object he threatens divorce. he says we have nothing in common I'm sick of you let's just get divorced. he's been doing this for a while its very immature. being with him is very lonely and a lot of work at the same time. I just don't know what to do next. I try to find things that make me happy that only makes him angry and jealous. he speaks negatively of me if I go to lunch with a friend ride my horse or do anything that makes me happy. simple psychology misery loves company and he's a very very miserable person. I refuse to wallow in his pity party I'm going to keep living my life the best I can. any advice for me anyway to get through to him? I can't buy into his behavior or allow his manipulation. and the stupid thing is he can't stand to be alone and would not do well without me. I on the other hand I'm very independent I've had to be since he won't help with anything around here.I guess I just need a spot of advice or perhaps some encouragement. Signed lonely in Virginia
rmb
rmb
Can you call him on his bluff, calmly, to sort of start a conversation about what each of you wants. Like if he says, we should just get a divorce, can you, again calmly and not over emotional, say, ok lets sit down and talk about that so we can see what it looks like, how we'd work that financially. And then just walk through it. And maybe that would be an opening where you can say, look I'm not happy either so something has to change, whether that be getting a divorce or going to counseling, as a couple or even individual counseling, if anything for you, to help you get your arms around what you want, how to cope, etc.

My husband is a difficult man, and I'm not perfect either. It's hard to be married when you both are from different places completely. My husband's a pissy pants too. He has type 1 diabetes so he's a moody SOB sometimes, if his glucose is off. It's freakin' exhausting, for me at times, but I assume for him too.

Sorry you're in a rough spot right now.
onetoomany
onetoomany
The first thing that went thru my mind was "Call his bluff" get the divorce.
Then I saw RMB's response and realized I am not the only person to think that.

I would totally agree to the divorce.

Who needs his crap?
rmb
rmb
Yeah I mean even if you don't go through with the divorce, ultimately, just saying, hey ok, you want a divorce, then lets talk for real about getting a divorce. Then you both have to have the conversation. It's no longer a threat on his part, but something he and you have to address and agree to go through with it or not, and if not, then what are the terms of staying together.
Misred
Misred
Individual therapy for you would be a good thing. I'm not saying this is all your fault, but it could help you figure out what you want to do. ((HUGS))
koolman
koolman
He wants to divorce. Get divorced. Then find some lady friends to hang out with, play Bridge or something, and exchange war stories about your miserable ex or soon-to-be ex-husbands. He can then hire a home healthcare nurse. I really think you'll be happier that way. His happiness, or lack thereof, is his concern, not yours.
rmb
rmb
Hahaha, Koolman, Bridge?? According to her profile, she's FIFTY (if the age is correct on her profile). I'm 50. Bridge ain't happenin'. I think of my grandma when I think of Bridge... no offense to any Bridge players. I mean, my grandma was a lovely woman, a lovely old woman.
koolman
koolman
Life's too short for either of you to be unhappy. If he wants a divorce, give him that which he wants. Begin discussing and try to come to an agreement on the terms of the divorce, who gets what property and money.
koolman
koolman
Whatever, rmb. My point is whatever makes her happy.
patti22
patti22
Hey, hey, HEY....bridge is fun. I can't say I've played it much, but it's fun.

Stop picking on bridge!

Anyway she's got a horse to ride and friends to go out to lunch with.


I say let the chores sit. He's at home, he can do them (or not). Your kids are out of the house...go out and visit them. Leave a list, pack the car, and go... Or just go to the beach. It's beautiful in the wintertime. Got a truck and trailer...go someplace with your horse.
rmb
rmb
I was just kiddin' around, Koolman. I understood the finer point.
patti22
patti22
I'm joking too, I forgot to add the ;p
trisha9054
trisha9054
I was seeing a therapist who helped me make the decision to give the ex the divorce he didn't want. When I had him served he sat down with me and cheerfully had a settlement in place in four days before he had to go back overseas to work.

Before you make a decision see a therapist for you. I would call his bluff on the divorce. That would tell you if he's just being cranky or really wants one. If he really wants one find the strength to let him go. In the end you both would be better off than what is happening now.
Aronia
Aronia
I think you are ready for divorce.
At the very least, have a trial separation. You both either learn that you are happier apart, or it would let you both re-establish boundaries of respect and to renew the friendship you once had.
I think once you are single, you may enjoy it much more than having to deal with this.
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