I was thinking about Drew the other day because I was trying to explain heartbreak to someone. I have exprienced heart break from a man twice in my life, and each time I thought they were great relationships that could last forever. HInd site is 20/20, though, and man were they bad. Ryan and Drew. I can talk about Ryan some other day. 

Drew was my first relationship as an adult. My first relationship that lasted for a significant amount of time. My first relationship that we were lookingat rings and considring making those larger steps in life. 

Drew was the younger brother of ... well... a mutual friend ... just to make the story less complicated. anyway. We started college the same time. He was a year older than me, because I started school a little younger than most. We both ended up in the same gen ed class, though we took it on different days of the week. Being young, scared, college freshmen, we really didn't know what the real world was like, and were glad that in this one class, we could talk to each other about it, being prior introduced. 

At the time, we were both science majors of sorts. He was computer science - very smart. I was a geologist, and content. He was a comptuer scientist because a company was paying him to be. that's right. Drew was a hacker. He had as a kid hacked into many places. one company turned the tables on him. They were willing to hire him a computy saftey moniter to help them make their system more hack preventable, if he was willing to go to school to get a degree in it. So when I met him, he ws already employed by a company with full time pay for part time work. He was the ritchest 18 year old I knew.

One day, I was headed to the cafeteria for lunch, and I just happened to walk past him and his roomate comign back from lunch. That made me sad because I had no one to eat with and he did, but that was ok. He stopped and asked me if I planned to go on the extra credit trip for the gen ed course we were in. Yeah. "I am too." cool.  "I just didn't want to go alone, so is that ok?" Yeah - sounds great. I'm stupid, otherwise I may have known he was asking me out on a date.

We sat on the bus, and talked the whole way there about all kinds of random subjects. It was a ocestra performance, and he wasn't big on music, so I explained to him the complexities of teh chords and the progressions throughout that allowed it to feel like it flowed. He later told me he found me oddly passionate. I found him to be a good listening audience. The sad thing is, before we started talking, I had planned to ask another guy out on the trip, but I completely forgot about him as the performace went on, and he began to be more genuine and less cold.

When we got home, I felt like it was a wierd silence, so i ased if he was hungry. I had some carrot cake in my dorm if he was. Upon returning, he learned that this was my 18th birthday. My friends had earlier in the day wanted to throw me aparty, but it was in their opinion not successful, but to me, it was the frst surprise party I ever had and was amazing just to get a cup and a cake quicly as they all went to class and I returned. I still have the cup.

We sat and ate cake until he kissed me. That one single moment made me feel more like an adult than any graduation or other ceremony could. From that point, we were an item. I was part of his life, and he was part of mine. Life changed fr me. It was beautiful. I got gifts. I was from a poor family - I never recieved gifts. We went places - expensive places. Places I was sure they would throw us out any moment the second they found out I grew up on a farm. Sounds magical, right.

The problems with our relationship were so much deeper than I could image a relationship could be at the time. When we sat together, it wasn't because we wanted to make connections with each other and invite the other into theor world, it was because we wanted someone to listen about ourselves. We were both selfish. I tried to play that I wasn't and do things for him that I thought he would like. He tried to pretend he wasn't selfish, by doing things that he thougt would bring me joy. But he did it not to bring me joy as much as to bring himself the accalades I gave or others gave, and my efforts were not so diferent. We were not ready.

Our split was inevitable. We saw it coming, but we fought against it. first we agreed to take a break, but he came back because he missed what the attention he got from spending money on me. When he left, I morned for the life I was not going to have, but not so much for the person I was not going to have it with. I had accepted that he would cheat on me or work so hard and never be home, but that I could live with that because we would have money - something I never had before. I was excited to think thatI would not have to work and I could focus on raising a family, as I always wanted to. None of this was based on a healthy relationship - I didn't even really know what that meant. The examples I had to that point of relationships were utterly abismal.

My husband and I are not rich. We both work very hard to provide for our family. I have missed a great deal of my children's lives because of work. But we are rich in our relationship. I want to do things for him, not for me, but for him, because seeing him happy, seeing a weight taken off his shoulders, is the most reward that I could ever recieve.

Was I able to walk away from Drew easily. No. I hated it. I felt so cheap. I felt so used. I longed for the spoiling. I longed for the life I would not have.  I longedto feel like I was no longer alone. I did not long for my connection with him, mostly because it did not exist He lived his life, I lived mine, and they only interescted mostly when we wanted them to, and not just because we were together. n reality it was a lot like having a roomate opposed to having a partner in life. 

Partners are hard to find, but I would never give mine up. 

:) Susie