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Not really sure where to start...
I'm 26, BF is 23. I'm his first real girlfriend, I've had several unsuccessful relationships, including one abusive. I met him through his father who I worked with for 5 years. A couple months ago the father was diagnosed with end stage lung cancer and died three weeks later. He was a 30-year smoker, heavy drinker. My BF is the same way even after watching his dad suffer.
Ever since his dad died he's extremely angry saying he could have prevented the death, no one understands and no one hurts as much as him. He's lashing out at his brother, mom, coworkers and me. I've never had a boyfriend who's brought me around his family so I wasn't sure what my place was during the funeral... I sat next to him but didn't hug or kiss him because there were so many other people around. (I was brought up learning that public affection is bad). He later told me I only sat up front for attention and keeps bringing it up that I was a bad girlfriend during the service. There was an impromptu party held at his brothers after the service, BF didn't even mention it to me until his dads friend said something. BF then said it didn't matter to him if I came, he wasn't sure how long he was staying, etc. I ended up going on a fire call (I'm a volunteer EMT) and didn't go to the party, after asking him several times if it was OK. Since then he brings it up almost daily that I didn't go. I have apologized numerous times but there's nothing else I can do.
He's also been nasty saying that I shouldn't go to the fire hall or meetings because all the other guys just want to sleep with me, accusing me of cheating and claiming he has photos of me with other guys (which I know there are none, telling me I'm selfish, putting down my only passion which is my horses that I've been involved with for 18 years... I could go on.
I did also find out a couple months before his dad died that he had told me he had quit using marijuana when he started dating me (I dated a heroin addict that was abusive and I do not want another relationship with a drug user of any kind) but I found out he lied and was still using it.
He was not like this when we started dating at all... We didn't see each other much over the winter because of our work schedules and my severe seasonal affective disorder, which he doesn't believe is a real problem. He started arguing with me a little bit over the winter and now its constant since his dad is gone.
I've asked him to go attend a support group, he said no and they're stupid and won't help.
We had a big fight on Monday (mostly him sending irate text messages) and since then things have been up and down. One minute he's begging for me to stay with him, next he says he can do better and has "lots of ladies lined up". Claims he quit weed three weeks ago.
So with all this being said... What should I do? I care about him and I fell in love with the version of him I first knew... But as time went on I'm not sure if I'm seeing his true colors or just the anger at the situation with his dad. I think he just doesn't want to lose me because he lost his dad. I said let's just be friends for a while and give the relationship a break, he said no.
Comments? Thoughts? My friends say he's basically emotionally abusive.... Not sure if that's just because of his dad or who he truly is.
I'm 26, BF is 23. I'm his first real girlfriend, I've had several unsuccessful relationships, including one abusive. I met him through his father who I worked with for 5 years. A couple months ago the father was diagnosed with end stage lung cancer and died three weeks later. He was a 30-year smoker, heavy drinker. My BF is the same way even after watching his dad suffer.
Ever since his dad died he's extremely angry saying he could have prevented the death, no one understands and no one hurts as much as him. He's lashing out at his brother, mom, coworkers and me. I've never had a boyfriend who's brought me around his family so I wasn't sure what my place was during the funeral... I sat next to him but didn't hug or kiss him because there were so many other people around. (I was brought up learning that public affection is bad). He later told me I only sat up front for attention and keeps bringing it up that I was a bad girlfriend during the service. There was an impromptu party held at his brothers after the service, BF didn't even mention it to me until his dads friend said something. BF then said it didn't matter to him if I came, he wasn't sure how long he was staying, etc. I ended up going on a fire call (I'm a volunteer EMT) and didn't go to the party, after asking him several times if it was OK. Since then he brings it up almost daily that I didn't go. I have apologized numerous times but there's nothing else I can do.
He's also been nasty saying that I shouldn't go to the fire hall or meetings because all the other guys just want to sleep with me, accusing me of cheating and claiming he has photos of me with other guys (which I know there are none, telling me I'm selfish, putting down my only passion which is my horses that I've been involved with for 18 years... I could go on.
I did also find out a couple months before his dad died that he had told me he had quit using marijuana when he started dating me (I dated a heroin addict that was abusive and I do not want another relationship with a drug user of any kind) but I found out he lied and was still using it.
He was not like this when we started dating at all... We didn't see each other much over the winter because of our work schedules and my severe seasonal affective disorder, which he doesn't believe is a real problem. He started arguing with me a little bit over the winter and now its constant since his dad is gone.
I've asked him to go attend a support group, he said no and they're stupid and won't help.
We had a big fight on Monday (mostly him sending irate text messages) and since then things have been up and down. One minute he's begging for me to stay with him, next he says he can do better and has "lots of ladies lined up". Claims he quit weed three weeks ago.
So with all this being said... What should I do? I care about him and I fell in love with the version of him I first knew... But as time went on I'm not sure if I'm seeing his true colors or just the anger at the situation with his dad. I think he just doesn't want to lose me because he lost his dad. I said let's just be friends for a while and give the relationship a break, he said no.
Comments? Thoughts? My friends say he's basically emotionally abusive.... Not sure if that's just because of his dad or who he truly is.
Your friends are right, he's abusive.
It doesn't matter why, you aren't his therapist.
Your head is telling you to put space between you.
Listen to it.
Good luck.
Do you agree that he is abusing you?
What keeps you coming back for more ?
He told me that when his dad died "his friends said that I should be bending over backwards for him". I brought up the fact that my grandfather died in January and he didn't even offer to come to the funeral or services (I wasn't close with my grandfather so I really didn't make a big deal of it at the time). He said "well I lost a grandpa a few years ago it doesn't hurt that bad".
I guess what I am seeing now is who he really is, and whoever that was at first was a mask or just trying to impress me. It's hard to understand that that was the person that i fell in love with and the one in front of me is not that person.