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Not really sure where to start...
I'm 26, BF is 23. I'm his first real girlfriend, I've had several unsuccessful relationships, including one abusive. I met him through his father who I worked with for 5 years. A couple months ago the father was diagnosed with end stage lung cancer and died three weeks later. He was a 30-year smoker, heavy drinker. My BF is the same way even after watching his dad suffer.
Ever since his dad died he's extremely angry saying he could have prevented the death, no one understands and no one hurts as much as him. He's lashing out at his brother, mom, coworkers and me. I've never had a boyfriend who's brought me around his family so I wasn't sure what my place was during the funeral... I sat next to him but didn't hug or kiss him because there were so many other people around. (I was brought up learning that public affection is bad). He later told me I only sat up front for attention and keeps bringing it up that I was a bad girlfriend during the service. There was an impromptu party held at his brothers after the service, BF didn't even mention it to me until his dads friend said something. BF then said it didn't matter to him if I came, he wasn't sure how long he was staying, etc. I ended up going on a fire call (I'm a volunteer EMT) and didn't go to the party, after asking him several times if it was OK. Since then he brings it up almost daily that I didn't go. I have apologized numerous times but there's nothing else I can do.
He's also been nasty saying that I shouldn't go to the fire hall or meetings because all the other guys just want to sleep with me, accusing me of cheating and claiming he has photos of me with other guys (which I know there are none, telling me I'm selfish, putting down my only passion which is my horses that I've been involved with for 18 years... I could go on.
I did also find out a couple months before his dad died that he had told me he had quit using marijuana when he started dating me (I dated a heroin addict that was abusive and I do not want another relationship with a drug user of any kind) but I found out he lied and was still using it.
He was not like this when we started dating at all... We didn't see each other much over the winter because of our work schedules and my severe seasonal affective disorder, which he doesn't believe is a real problem. He started arguing with me a little bit over the winter and now its constant since his dad is gone.
I've asked him to go attend a support group, he said no and they're stupid and won't help.
We had a big fight on Monday (mostly him sending irate text messages) and since then things have been up and down. One minute he's begging for me to stay with him, next he says he can do better and has "lots of ladies lined up". Claims he quit weed three weeks ago.
So with all this being said... What should I do? I care about him and I fell in love with the version of him I first knew... But as time went on I'm not sure if I'm seeing his true colors or just the anger at the situation with his dad. I think he just doesn't want to lose me because he lost his dad. I said let's just be friends for a while and give the relationship a break, he said no.
Comments? Thoughts? My friends say he's basically emotionally abusive.... Not sure if that's just because of his dad or who he truly is.
I'm 26, BF is 23. I'm his first real girlfriend, I've had several unsuccessful relationships, including one abusive. I met him through his father who I worked with for 5 years. A couple months ago the father was diagnosed with end stage lung cancer and died three weeks later. He was a 30-year smoker, heavy drinker. My BF is the same way even after watching his dad suffer.
Ever since his dad died he's extremely angry saying he could have prevented the death, no one understands and no one hurts as much as him. He's lashing out at his brother, mom, coworkers and me. I've never had a boyfriend who's brought me around his family so I wasn't sure what my place was during the funeral... I sat next to him but didn't hug or kiss him because there were so many other people around. (I was brought up learning that public affection is bad). He later told me I only sat up front for attention and keeps bringing it up that I was a bad girlfriend during the service. There was an impromptu party held at his brothers after the service, BF didn't even mention it to me until his dads friend said something. BF then said it didn't matter to him if I came, he wasn't sure how long he was staying, etc. I ended up going on a fire call (I'm a volunteer EMT) and didn't go to the party, after asking him several times if it was OK. Since then he brings it up almost daily that I didn't go. I have apologized numerous times but there's nothing else I can do.
He's also been nasty saying that I shouldn't go to the fire hall or meetings because all the other guys just want to sleep with me, accusing me of cheating and claiming he has photos of me with other guys (which I know there are none, telling me I'm selfish, putting down my only passion which is my horses that I've been involved with for 18 years... I could go on.
I did also find out a couple months before his dad died that he had told me he had quit using marijuana when he started dating me (I dated a heroin addict that was abusive and I do not want another relationship with a drug user of any kind) but I found out he lied and was still using it.
He was not like this when we started dating at all... We didn't see each other much over the winter because of our work schedules and my severe seasonal affective disorder, which he doesn't believe is a real problem. He started arguing with me a little bit over the winter and now its constant since his dad is gone.
I've asked him to go attend a support group, he said no and they're stupid and won't help.
We had a big fight on Monday (mostly him sending irate text messages) and since then things have been up and down. One minute he's begging for me to stay with him, next he says he can do better and has "lots of ladies lined up". Claims he quit weed three weeks ago.
So with all this being said... What should I do? I care about him and I fell in love with the version of him I first knew... But as time went on I'm not sure if I'm seeing his true colors or just the anger at the situation with his dad. I think he just doesn't want to lose me because he lost his dad. I said let's just be friends for a while and give the relationship a break, he said no.
Comments? Thoughts? My friends say he's basically emotionally abusive.... Not sure if that's just because of his dad or who he truly is.
As harsh as it is, I would say exactly these words to him and also add that I am willing to stay by him to help, but there is going to be zero chance of me being treated with disrespect and that I will not allow abuse. I also will not support daily drinking and drugs.
If he says FU, then I would say : " I am here for you if you need help, but at this point, we are done".
He needs to help himself and you need to take care of you. You are not his parent.
Yes he is in pain but that does not give him license to abuse you.
Tell him to straighten up or hit the road.
Kids may feel deprived of their parent's attention and spend years and years still seeking it, hoping that they can get that attention and the love they needed all these years. It is all very subconscious.
This young man's father is dead, which means he will NEVER have a chance to have what he wanted from his father.
He doesn't even realize it himself, he is angry and is blaming everyone and anything for his misery.
It is easier said than done, but don't take it personally.
It is not you. "
Run!
He blames himself, the nurses, the hospital, everyone. He clearly needs to talk to someone but I know he's gonna say he can't afford it.
He says the only reason he's nasty to me is that he doesn't see me enough.
All you need to do is ask any person in the family/friends of addicts, they will give you many reasons why you need to save yourself. Addicts have to want get better for themselves. You can't force them or make them want to quit or get clean.
The sooner you are OK with moving on, the better you'll be. We all give you permission to leave. You are not abandoning this guy, you are saving yourself. That is very important.
Honestly, if my bf was an asshole to people he doesn't know, he clearly is an asshole to me as well. Unacceptable. He is covering up for his rude behavior.
I m sorry, but it is making me less and less sympathetic towards him.
Shit happens in life. Many people have abusive parents, many people suffer great losses, but they handle it with grace and maturity. At some point, it is time to take responsibility for one's actions.
I am starting to see that you cant help him. He needs a whole mind make over and it is not your job to do so.
Put your bitch pants on and Stand up for yourself. Be pleasant, but firm. You are nobody's punching bag.
Remember it for the rest of your life.
Every relationship starts off all fireworks, butterflies n' flowers; then when the euphoria and newness wears off; we have the real deal in front of us.
This happens all the time. Where we're in blissful adoration and then ::bam:: the hammer comes down and we're left puzzled, hurt and confused.
Well, this is what dating is all about. We go through the stages of getting to know someone and most times, it doesn't work out.
That's why, ..finding the right, unique person for us takes a while and is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. We have to go through a few frogs so we know how to recognize the Prince :O) We must allow ourselves to go through these trials to discover how to love ourselves - how we won't be treated - how to identify a good, decent, compatible, unique & solid friendship/partnership.
Once we see the world from a place of self respect and self love, we naturally won't let anyone in our lives that doesn't love or respect us as much as we do!
This is one of those dating situations that isn't working out. It's teaching you all sorts of things. It's OK to let this go and seek out something healthier, happier and more compatible. Wouldn't it be cool to meet someone who is stable, content and wants to share good times? Who treat other people and themselves as well as you do?
I hope you chose to love yourself more and let this situation go down in the books as an 'temporary experience'.
Good luck hon
I do feel like I'm abandoning him... He says he can't lose his dad and his girlfriend in the same few months.
He always had an issue saying I wasn't affectionate enough when we were together and he felt unloved. So I started to try to get more comfortable with that and let my guard down and he would pull away, I'm not sure if he was joking but it didn't help me relax at all. Then he would say it was because I wasn't being sincere and only doing it because he said something.
This one may be more of a rant lol... Just thinking of some stuff that came to mind today.