Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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yvonda84 02/28/2014

Wow..I hate to even think like this but not quite 2 years into our marriage I think it's over. My husband doesn't want to admit it because he is so co-dependent and knows if I leave him he will have to go back to an uncomfortable life. My main issue is his inability to keep a job. He will start something then quit or get laid off he has had plenty of interviews with no call backs. He has a felony for identity theft so that's why he has no got some of his jobs. He always lands these temp jobs that end after a few months. He starts a new permanent job on Monday. Keeping my fingers crossed! I told him I'm giving him a year on this job to show me he really is wanting to work and provide for our family. He also has 2 children he doesn't see that live 4 hours away. He won't even call them etc. I am really trying to encourage him to not be a deadbeat dad. We have no children together but I have 1 son, which brings me to the next issue. I've been really falling back in love with my son's father the last past year. He unlike my husband is an involved father. He really loves our son. I never allowed myself to heal after we broke up. We had so many plans together and dreams and that all came to a halt. My husband knows about these feelings and encourages me to resolve them so I can move on. Not sure where this is going. I've built up so much resentment toward my husband about being unemployed on and off for the last 3 years that I'm losing my attraction to him... the chemistry is gone.

deleted_user 02/28/2014

I'm assuming he was a deadbeat dad when you met him,and he already had his felony for identity theft when you met him?

yvonda84 02/28/2014

Nope. Didn't know about the children before we started getting serious and also didn't know about the felony.

Aronia 03/01/2014

I think it is beneficial for your child if you can work things out with his dad and put your family back together.

deleted_user 03/01/2014

you want to leave him bc he doesn't have a job, but you're cheating on him? So in reality you're not the ideal spouse either.

I think if you have a child together it should take more than his unemployment to cause a divorce.

And your ex is your ex for a reason.....its probably best to let him go.

yvonda84 03/02/2014

My ex is who I have the child with. Sorry if I confused anyone but I did clearly say my son's father. Me and the husband do not have children together. Also I am not cheating on my husband. I have been honest about my feelings for my son's father. I agree that I'm not the ideal spouse, but I feel if those feeling get resolved for my son's father I could move on and be a great wife for my husband. But, my husband has to want to put the effort in as well.

yvonda84 03/02/2014

It's also not as simple as he just doesn't have a job. He is not passionate about being a stepfather or husband. He has spent too much time playing video games, being in cyberspace the reason he has had employment problems.

yvonda84 03/02/2014

Aronia that's exactly what I would like to do is put my family back together but, of course I am still legally married so I have all that to deal with and I have to make sure my son's father is on the same page with me. Last thing I want to do is divorce and then find out my son's father is on some bullshit as well.

deleted_user 03/02/2014

So, he hid the kids and felony from you, waited until you were serious, then dropped the bomb?

sweetirie70 03/02/2014

I'm hearing you want to be sure you and your ex are on the same page before moving forward with divorcing your current husband. It sounds like your marriage may have legitimate reasons for dissolving. But in my opinion, you need to end the relationship for reasons solely based on that relationship, not who might be waiting at the end. There is the chance you'll be single afterwards, and you should to be ok with that, for your own sake. I agree it would be great if things resulted in your family reuniting, but there's no guarantees.

Shine14 03/03/2014

Probably a good idea to get away from both men for a while, as your relationship with each is clouding your judgement on the other.
As long as you are spending time with a man that you dont have any issues with, and are unhappy with your husband - husband is going to seem demonized and EX is going to seem glorified because you have "Grass is Greener" syndrome.

yvonda84 03/03/2014

Yep, he TTMI729 he dropped the bomb on me. Then found out her really doesn't prefer to work. Had no idea about this until after he got out the Army. Thank you all for your feedback. I agree that I should remain single for awhile after this split. I'm looking to build a good solid friendship with my son's father. He was really hurt when I got married. So, it will take awhile for him to move past that I'm sure. But we're headed in the right direction. We are growing more mature and ready to move on from the past. I believe we have taken the necessary steps to move on from the past and could build up a friendship that could turn into a solid relationship. It sucks but honestly the chemistry I have with my son's father is amazing. I don't have that with my husband but he's a very laid back man the reason I fell for him. I'm going to give him a chance to prove himself with the job thing, he started a new one today. If he can't handle it then we will part ways. As for the ex, I will play that by ear.

yvonda84 03/04/2014

The latest is that he messed up with the permanent job that was supposed to start yesterday. Gave an explanation that doesn't make sense of why he can't work there. Now he's trying to work the temp job which he didn't go into today. So I asked him to leave and find somewhere to go between now and the next few weeks. I don't need him mooching. He is just literally telling me none of his family will take him in because he's stolen from them in the past. Can't believe he keeps dropping the bomb on me. Time for him to pack his things and leave then from there we can see if we will divorce or reconcile in several months. As far as my son's father goes, that's an separate issue completely so I won't even get started on that.

AurorasHope 03/04/2014

So, how is him proving to you about that job going to bring any chemistry back and get rid of the "amazing" chemistry you have with your ex?

What's the point?

yvonda84 03/05/2014

Aurorashope- I hear what you're saying. I thought maybe if he could stop being so immature we would could get sparks flying. I do believe that chemistry can happen with someone it didn't happen with before.

MsViv 03/05/2014

If you wait a year, he keeps the job, is still a deadbeat dad, is still immature.. then what? Will you change the way you feel about him?

Oh, now I read the post about him not being able to work the permanent job because of blah blah blah excuses.

Lets see, this guy, has lied to you, kept info from you, has committed identity theft, mooches off you, is a deadbeat dad, isn't much of a husband, or stepfather yet you still want him around? Why?

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