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Desireless relationship with kids. Leave or stay?

Shaun46
Shaun46

Hi am new to this and looking for some advice.


Im a man living in the UK and I have been with my SO for 11 years. We have 2 children under 8. We both have good jobs, are great parents and get on well. No abuse or anything like that. I help around the house, fix anything broken and do all the cooking. From the outside we are the perfect family. However there is a serious issue with intimacy. The sex was never great as I had issues from an illness when we first met which left me with a low libido so we never had that honeymoon period.  We went to therapy and things improved. We then had our first child. Sex was then out of the question until she wanted another which came quite quickly. Since then I can count on one hand how many times we have had sex and this is in 6 years. We always said we would sort the sex side of our relatuonship out but children and work got in the way. I make advances to her and she does occasionally give me head but mostly rejects me. I told her I will stop making advances if she doesn't want me to but she said not to or we won't get anywhere. 


Now the kids are not so dependant on us we had more free time to ourselves but she was still off the desire front. We had a family holiday last year as she spoke of us being "fake happy" and was off with me the whole time. When we returned she wrote me a letter saying she had a type and it wasn't me and thinking of an open relationship. We argued as I was not pleased. I suspected her of seeing someone so (stupidly) looked through her emails and she had told someone that before the holiday she had met someone but it had not gone any further than a dance (now confirmed), but her idea of a relationship is the lust and desire which she found that night while out but has never had it with me. This brought the elephant right into the room. Since then we have spoken openly about feelings and desires and have agreed to see a sex therapist though deep down we both know it isnt going to work and its a last  "do or die" attempt, so if she does not have or get those feelings for me we would seperate because if it continues she would end up cheating on me. She still wants sex, just not with me. We have both been faithful to each other and love each other but without desire there is no intimacy. I am Tactile and crave affection, holding hands, cuddling, kissing and yes, sex, but I get nothing.  I recently lost my mum so my emotions are high at the moment but have no one to talk to about my relationship issues as my mates are typical blokes saying 'go shag someone else' or just leave her". This does not help. Should I stay I would like a female perspective on this as it have no female friends I can trust but blokes are welcome to respond too as long as it's supportive. 


Thank you for reading.  


S

7cjl10
7cjl10
I'm a woman that has a husband that asked about the open relationship last year and when I put the crossroads in front of him and said her or your family. We have one son together. I had my sex drive change years ago and he started cheating and the sex with us got worse and now we are separated and that solved nothing in fact our son is sad daddy won't come home. But I will say the time apart has down me good. I am more confident and have dreams about life again. Those are things he pushed out of me long ago and I am regaining them slowly. I want my husband back but he has a lot to deal with first. Please talk to someone a friend or therapist. It will help also find a hobby just for you. It will help. Talk more if you want.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
It 'sounds' almost like a brother/sister relationship..... I agree that seeing a sex therapist might help a great deal
I think you BOTH have to really plug in and decide this is my family that I'm fighting for and I'm going to fight the good fight
It seems she is missing the 'honeymoon phase'.... That seems to be what she's now looking for and I think if you really love one another you can discover it..... A therapist is a good idea
I understand no longer trying..... I did this myself....... I look back and wonder if I should have tried harder....
This is a good site.... I'm glad you're here...... We also have a Healthy Sex board that might be of help to you......xo
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
Healthy Sex Board

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/healthy-sex
Shaun46
Shaun46
Thanks SunCloudID. I'll check it out. And thanks for the comments, it means a lot. X
Aronia
Aronia
Here is the deal: at some points in my life I couldn't have sex because I was going through health problems, but I found ways to have intimacy and give my partner some pleasure because I loved him and wanted him to feel good and wanted.
It seems that you lost love between you two. The bigger question is - can you get that back?
If you can't, then I would get a divorce. I waited 7 years to get a divorce and it did nothing good for my children.
Lenoire
Lenoire
You sound like a lovely bloke, btw. I would be curious to know, is she saying that you were never her type? What is her type, do you know? It's important to know what you're up against to get an idea if there's any chance to bother.

Often when a partner develops or recognizes a sexual stimulation that has not been previously shared or expressed with their partner, and perceive a poor or shocked reaction, it stops them from expressing their true feelings. It can run the gamut from bisexuality to beyond, so finding out the true reasons why would be paramount. If it's your style, or lack of it, or something insignificant like, that's an easy fix, but if it's something you physically or emotionally can't provide, or compete with, then you need to know before you putting in the effort.

I understand about losing your mum, my condolences to you. Losing a parent impacts us deeply and leaves us questioning our future and the people in our lives.

Wishing you well.
Shaun46
Shaun46
Hi. I am 9 years older than her and she likes younger men so there is nothing I can do. I do look very young for my age as I look after myself. I'm 46 and am told many times I look mid 30s. The reason why we don't think the desire will return is because she wouldn't normally go for someone my age so to start from scratch so to speak will be difficult as I wouldn't be her type.
It's not that she wants to give me pleasure in other ways because she doesn't want sex. She does want sex but not with me, nor does she want to give any form of Intimacy towards me. She hugs me rarely because she feels she has to, she doesn't want to kiss at all, she says I have amazing qualities that anyone would want which is why she doesn't want us to seperate but how can you live with someone who you want to be with physically so much who doesn't want to be with you in that way. I can't even watch romantic movies with her as it gives me a knot in my stomach. What a mess I am in!!!
Shaun46
Shaun46
Also thanks for the condolences. X
LynStrife
LynStrife
So basically she wants to have her cake and eat it too. She likes that you do the cooking and fixing etc. but wants to sleep with others. I would absolutely have to put my foot down. 'Either you want me or you dont, which is it?' Then she would have to decide if she is willing to give up all your good qualities or fight to make the marriage work.
I would never consider open marriage, that's not a marriage. And where it is one sided like that, it's completely unfair.
I wish I had better advice for you.
Lenoire
Lenoire
I don't quite understand, are you saying she is 37 and prefers men that are younger than her, as in likes them in their twenties? Or are you saying she likes men her age, and you are 46 yet look like you're in your thirties, so what's the problem? If you've had two children there must have been enough lust for that to happen, or are you saying it's been about convenience all along?
Shaun46
Shaun46
I was never her type as she always went for younger guya, but we fell in love. She loved my personality, that I was caring etc. And we get on really well. But 11 years down the road, yes she is attracted to younger guys, 20s - early 30s.
I told her she can't have her cake and eat it as in a physical relationship elsewhere and have her emotional relationship with me. She quickly realised an open relationship would not work. That is why we are seeing a sex therapist. Had our first session last night. I am not giving up and will try my hardest to keep my family together but if is doesn't work I can say I tried everything.. where we go from there I really don't know. It kills me to think someone else is raising my kids, living in my home and with the woman I love and want to be with which is why I have held out for so long. We will be financially crippled, the kids will be devastated and I will have to live in a shack. I feel trapped.
Lenoire
Lenoire
Is it possible that she can hold off until the kids are adults? There is no reason two people who love and care for one another, can't live in harmony, and try to find a way to deal with the sex issues without going out for it?

You say you were never her type as she always went for younger guys, so are you saying that when you met her, at her age of 25, she was then interested in men younger than her, or has this younger man thing developed since she's now 37? I'm sorry to be asking but something doesn't seem to jive here.
Shaun46
Shaun46
I can see what your saying. When we met she dated guys her own age and would not normally have gone for someone my age. In her head she is still young, as we all are, but as she aged her type didn't. I hope that make a bit more sense?
As for the holding out until the kids are older, we did discuss it....
If there is no sex or intimacy she said she would end up cheating and im not sitting at home looking after our kids wondering if tonight is the night she does so there goes the trust, we would end up resenting each other so not an environment for kids to be raised in and we would be a lot older and miss the opportunity to find love elsewhere.
Lenoire
Lenoire
I wrote this, read it and decided to edit it and get straight to the point. I think your wife may either be cheating, or has had an affair with a younger man, be it physical or emotional. Most devoted mothers of young families don't have the time to seek, let alone think about, having sex with men other than their husbands. Everything you write points me back to the same place, she's either having an affair, and is looking for a way to break it to you, or she has already had an affair, and wants permission to have another. You said that she asked for an open relationship, and realized that it wouldn't work after talking to you. I think she was trying to tell you then.

Your story makes no sense the way it's being told, so either you've been remiss in disclosing something, or she's not telling you the truth.

Wishing you well.
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
When I read this I think she 'sounds' very immature and self centered .... She's looking for the 'rush' of new lust perhaps .... That first year or so where everything is 'perfect', the 'courting' period

If she doesn't really make an effort and plug into the therapy and make a commitment to working hard on your marriage I would leave the marriage
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