What are you doing to deal with your depression? Do you get counselling or something? If not then you need to take care of that first. In order to be in a relationship you have to work on yourself first. You said that you need him but he is also the source of your pain? It doesn't sound like this is a very healthy relationship. Before you go calling him and begging him to be with you, you should really stop and take a good look at things- what does he have to offer and what do you have to offer a relationship? Really we all need to be able to heal on our own, you have to be whole on your own before you can be with someone. It's easier to work on ourselves when we are alone- all of our energy goes into us.

I should clerify by what I mean by that, and maybe it's not even him, but just myself that's causing all my own suffering and I'm only doing it to myself... We had a bad breakup where he took my virginity and then broke up with me at the end up the week[speaking as this is a long distance relationship]and then he went back home the next day.... I was so crushed. I didn't speak to him for five months and then for some reason I picked up computer after hearing a song and contacted him and then we've been talking ever since, but I have resentment against him. This is the only wrong he has ever done against me, but you can see how it would be torment. How my trust would be wavered and hard to earn back. I just don't know where to start or if I should even start over.

And I am going to see a councelor again. Even I don't know why I stopped seeing one to begin with..

If I were in your shoes, I'd write him a short, friendly (unemotional) letter apologizing for my behaviour. Without going into a lot of detail, I'd say something along the lines that "I'm afraid I have issues at the moment that I need to work on." I would then get myself into counselling and work on those issues. Unless this is a long term relationship (and he's amenable to working with you), I think it might be best for you to get yourself well and healthy again before trying to ressurect the relationship.

I've just read your reply 2...

I would think very hard about continuing a relationship with a man who 'took' your virginity and then finished with you. This sort of behaviour is very hurtful and damaging to any young woman. You should not accept that sort of treatment from anyone, Rainbow.

I think that's why I'm so conflicting with myself... I know what's wrong and what's right... But I don't know if what he tells me is the truth anymore because of what he's done... And I don't only want friendship and that's why I got so mad at him the other night and said what I did. He constantly tells me that what he did he knows was wrong and that he regretted breaking up with me and that he was just scared, etc, blah blah blah, but because he broke my trust, I just don't know if I can believe him, even after talking to him for a year and a half now. I'm split in half and can never stick with one decision because I don't want to lose what I have..... whether it's damaging or not..

I am sorry to hear what you are going through but I am happy that you are going back to a counselor. I think when trust between people is broken it affects everyone differently. Some can get past it and make a mends other's can't and find it better to move on.

My advice to you would be to continue working with your counselor and as you go through that process take the time to weigh all your pros and cons not just now but for your future as well. You mentioned in your post that you have been dealing with this situation for over a year and half and you don't want to lose what you have. So something to consider here is what exactly are you losing?

This is where I feel it is important to weigh those pros and cons. If you spend a majority of time walking on eggshells and every time you think you are making the right decision but doubt prevents you from acting on it then you have to consider is it fear of letting go or fear of being hurt again. Now I realize you have a meaningful history with this person but in my opinion if it is taking control over your life and making you unhappy it might be time to give yourself a chance to break away for awhile.

Give yourself some space and time to heal. If the two of you are meant to be together things will work out. At some point as you go through your counseling maybe this person can also attend a few sessions with you to see about mending the relationship. But I first feel it would be better that you have the confidence in yourself to make that call. When you have a good support system such as a good counselor, friends and family to support you things can look a whole lot better. To me sometimes one loss can give you the opportunity to gain a whole lot.

Anyway I hope this helps a bit for you and that much happier days will soon find their way to you:)

It did... It made me cry... Because I know that it's just a fear of me getting hurt again is what I have.... I want to let him in and I think when I start to, I just shove him back out, slam the door and lock everything back up... I hope a councelor will help me with this...

My anxiety and failure to really get to know myself after my divorce and find happiness on my own was a big part of both of my failed relationships after the divorce. The first woman I dated we just had lousy timing but I know that I took her for granted and was not ready for the stress a long distance relationship requires.

The one I just recently had end I was dealing with a lot of stress with one of my kids and some of my own and she was not ready to date someone that was on a different part of their journey than her.

So I am taking the rest of this calendar year off from dating to get my needs met, find happiness for myself, and re-evaluate what it is I need and want.

That first paragraph right there, completely describes him to a T. And then after he realized what he lost, then it was reversed because now I'm too afraid to commit to him because now I'M afraid of what will happen. I think I may have to take the time away and re-evaluate myself aswell.

Reading more on your situation, I would say that working on yourself is what you should be doing, get yourself healthy and don't worry about him or being in a relationship at all right now. He hurt you very badly, people don't just get over that, it takes work and time. The other thing is that you were the one who contacted him, if he felt so badly then why in all that time didn't he contact you and try to make things right? I would like this one go, heal yourself and then find the right guy who will treat you right. It's pretty hard to build a relationship when right from the beginning you are missing one of the most important aspects- trust.

I agree with LiannaMe's post #10. This guy hurt you badly then disappeared. You were the one to make contact with him after he broke up with you. This isn't good for your self-esteem, and I would urge you to heal yourself and not give this person another chance to hurt you.

I already contacted a psychologist and people on here are helping me so much with venting out stuff. Thank you all..

You deserve so much better!

I know you're young (no, I'm not holding that against you!), but a lot of the time we come across these stumbling blocks that serve as nothing more than good life lessons. I've met quite a few "characters" over the years, and while I still make mistakes in relationships, I tend to not make the same mistake over and over again. This guy treated you badly, and you don't deserve that. But next time somebody attempts to do something similar you may just be able to recognize what's going on a bit sooner and say to yourself "hey, I deserve better!" because in reality, you do.

Maybe I just don't want to believe that it's nothing more than an obstacle in my way because I'm so in love.... I don't know...

I agree with all the others. First priority is getting, and keeping, YOURSELF healthy. Do what actually makes you feel GOOD. For me, it's exercise, and working, to provide a good service that is valuable to others, and to generate a paycheck for myself. It generates some logic, some structure, some solidarity, and some productivity in my life, beyond just "feelings", which, out of control, turn inward, and form the destructive path of depression.

In short, divert, and direct mental energy into something larger than yourself. It takes your mind off yourself, and gives you a purpose.