Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Hi, guys. So, I am back into the dating scene again! I've started seeing this guy recently and I think there may be a potential for a *real* relationship. We've been on 3 dates so far, they've gone really well, I feel very good around him, and he made it clear that he likes me a lot too and hinted often that he's looking for a serious relationship and that it's how he considers me.
Now, I'm invited me for dinner at his place this weekend and that will be our 4th date, although we knew each other a bit before he asked me on a date, so he's not a stranger.
My concern is this; I don't know why but I don't feel like having sex with him just yet. I find him very attractive and I usually don't wait very long either, so I don't know what's happening to me, it's not out of concern of looking like a respectable lady and it's not that I don't find him attractive either. Maybe it's got something to do with my last relationship being so difficult but the reason(s) don't really matter.
I just worry that by inviting me to his place instead of out, and it's our 4th date and the others went well and we spoke as if we may be getting somewhere, I worry that he will expect sex and I don't want to, I also don't want to have to push him back and give explanations, cause that's such a mood-ruiner.
My questions are: for the men here, after how many dates, would you get tired or insulted of waiting for sex from a woman and move on? I've heard of the 3 dates rule, we live in a bit of a sick world but that seems unrealistic..?
And my other question is; can you guys think of ways I could control this evening so that it doesn't go in that direction without looking like a nun or a crazy person? I don't want to be rude so he senses it or something like that. Last date was our third and I got scared of the 3 dates rule, so I took him skating but now we'll be at his place..
Thank you guys
Now, I'm invited me for dinner at his place this weekend and that will be our 4th date, although we knew each other a bit before he asked me on a date, so he's not a stranger.
My concern is this; I don't know why but I don't feel like having sex with him just yet. I find him very attractive and I usually don't wait very long either, so I don't know what's happening to me, it's not out of concern of looking like a respectable lady and it's not that I don't find him attractive either. Maybe it's got something to do with my last relationship being so difficult but the reason(s) don't really matter.
I just worry that by inviting me to his place instead of out, and it's our 4th date and the others went well and we spoke as if we may be getting somewhere, I worry that he will expect sex and I don't want to, I also don't want to have to push him back and give explanations, cause that's such a mood-ruiner.
My questions are: for the men here, after how many dates, would you get tired or insulted of waiting for sex from a woman and move on? I've heard of the 3 dates rule, we live in a bit of a sick world but that seems unrealistic..?
And my other question is; can you guys think of ways I could control this evening so that it doesn't go in that direction without looking like a nun or a crazy person? I don't want to be rude so he senses it or something like that. Last date was our third and I got scared of the 3 dates rule, so I took him skating but now we'll be at his place..
Thank you guys
If he can't respect that, pouts, or becomes disinterested, then he's not a keeper anyway. But if he's a good guy, he'll wait.
And start slow. Just watch a movie and cuddle. See how that goes.
And the first kiss! That's a tell-all. Depending on how hot and electric the kiss is, things will or will not progress further! Have you guys had your first kiss?
If you have sex with him because "He expects sex" when deep down you know you don't really want to have sex yet, I would say you must have a fear that he won't want to continue dating you if you don't give into him.
So think about it. Your intuition is telling you to wait a bit. for your own good.
In reality. If you have sex with this man it is not going to bond you closer. If you don't have sex with him and he never calls you again what are you going to think.. "Oh Gee, if I had just had sex with him I bet he would be sending me flowers and probably want to marry me by next week" lol.. of course not...
So I guess what I'm saying is that you need to be true to yourself and KNOW what YOU want. The fact that you are worrying about giving in and doing something you really don't want to do, shows that you have a fear of rejection. Being a push over and giving in to people never earns you a reward. It only lets them see you don't value yourself and know that it will be easy to take advantage of you. Why are you more worried about pleasing a guy you have been on 3 dates with over being true to yourself? That's what you should be asking yourself.
And I was trying to avoid the whole conversation of: stop, I'd rather wait, etc... A little bit because I can't even come up with an explanation why, even to myself, and also because it's a very unsexy conversation. I know he would wait, at least some more, he's always been very respectful. I don't think that proves he's a ''good'' guy but he's got class enough.
What's a not too unsexy way of saying I want to kiss you and make out but I don't want to have sex yet, and probably for a little while longer too. I don't want him to feel rejected either.
Tell him you would rather go out.
Then you won't have to fight him off or hurt his feelings.
Part of me fears relationships for the prospect of being dumped and/or ridiculed for not wanting to have sex. So I understand the fear of being rejected for that reason. Unfortunately, I don't have much advice that would be particularly helpful in this situation.
Typically I don't kiss until the fourth date.
But have made an exception to that (I think it was the second date). The third date, he invited me over to his place (he made me a very nice lunch- great!), and pretty sure he was expecting sex (he was all over me from the time, I stepped in the door). No we did not have sex, but it was very awkward to keep pushing him off. I broke it off with after that.
If you like this guy, and feel comfortable talking to him this kind of stuff, I'd have talk before you agree to go over there. That you want to take you time to get to know him, before you have sex. That way he's less likely to think you're giving the green light for sex.
If you're not comfortable talking to him about it, then I'd suggest a different date idea, out in public. I think most guys would understand that, without explanation (not just the sex, but the potential safety issues).
If you're not comfortable doing that, do you have a friend that can call you sometime during the date (pre-determined time), in case, you feel the need to bolt (excuse)? You don't have to pickup the phone, but maybe text back (go to the bathroom), that things are fine. Just a thought (I've done that before).
that should "waiting to have sex, I am the same way, about talking about these things-unless they are pushing, then yeah I will have the talk (that I am not ready to have have sex with them).