Healthy Relationships Support Group

No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.

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Eucalyptus 03/10/2015

Hi, guys. So, I am back into the dating scene again! I've started seeing this guy recently and I think there may be a potential for a *real* relationship. We've been on 3 dates so far, they've gone really well, I feel very good around him, and he made it clear that he likes me a lot too and hinted often that he's looking for a serious relationship and that it's how he considers me.
Now, I'm invited me for dinner at his place this weekend and that will be our 4th date, although we knew each other a bit before he asked me on a date, so he's not a stranger.
My concern is this; I don't know why but I don't feel like having sex with him just yet. I find him very attractive and I usually don't wait very long either, so I don't know what's happening to me, it's not out of concern of looking like a respectable lady and it's not that I don't find him attractive either. Maybe it's got something to do with my last relationship being so difficult but the reason(s) don't really matter.
I just worry that by inviting me to his place instead of out, and it's our 4th date and the others went well and we spoke as if we may be getting somewhere, I worry that he will expect sex and I don't want to, I also don't want to have to push him back and give explanations, cause that's such a mood-ruiner.

My questions are: for the men here, after how many dates, would you get tired or insulted of waiting for sex from a woman and move on? I've heard of the 3 dates rule, we live in a bit of a sick world but that seems unrealistic..?
And my other question is; can you guys think of ways I could control this evening so that it doesn't go in that direction without looking like a nun or a crazy person? I don't want to be rude so he senses it or something like that. Last date was our third and I got scared of the 3 dates rule, so I took him skating but now we'll be at his place..

Thank you guys

OldCodger 03/10/2015

If he is sincere then his prime interest in you is that you mentally stimulate him, sex is the eventual icing on the cake. I also find it suspicious that he has invited you to his place for date four, could it be to attempt to finally consummate your relationship?

Perhaps. Remember though, no means NO so be unafraid to say so if it applies.

I would behave in a spontaneous manner and I would forget about worrying as rarely do such things come to fruition.

Moving forward if I was you I would find the three traits you most admire in a chosen other and see if they apply to him, and if they do then on your merry way with him you should go, if not, then maybe not, or should I say definitely not?

OldCodger 03/10/2015

He stands off you, and your natural reaction is to stand off him, natural reactions are rarely right, however in this instance I think you may have gotten it right.

Now the question is does being with an unaffectionate man complement the type of person you are? If not then if I was you I would end this relationship fast.

debj77 03/11/2015

You don't owe him any explainations as to why you're not ready. You don't owe him anything at all. If he suggests it just be clear that is not your intention tonight. And move the conversation on. If he keeps hassling you its a sure sign he doesnt have enough respect. The women call the shots in this regard so feel confident in you feelings and your decision. You'll never forgive yourself if you give in 'because its the 4th date' ! Then you'll feel crap about yourself and everything else to do with him and it'll be ruined anyway ! Stick to your guns, you'll be fine.

BabyMonkey 03/11/2015

I went to my bf's place to watch a movie on the 4th date. I was all for it so we could have the opportunity to connect on an emotional level. Be physically closer. That was the date he kissed me at but all we did was cuddle during the movie and hold hands. If your guy try to go further all you have to say is "not yet". If he's an ass about it then you got your answer, he's an add and just after the sex! My friend didn't feel comfortable going to her guys house that soon so she asked if they could meet up somewhere else.

foundlove 03/11/2015

You be intimate with someone when you feel comfortable! Don't worry about what anybody else thinks or says. In the end, it shouldn't come down to numbers of dates, or length of time. Just take it slow, and feel this guy out. If he's worth it, he will wait for you to feel comfortable.

LivingWater 03/11/2015

As for the 3 dates rule, many men do believe in it. They will not invest more time/money or whatever, if by the 3rd date she does not "come across". But you're better off knowing that if he leaves after 3 sexless dates, the sex was all he was looking for. A caring man will never try to force the issue, physically or emotionally. "TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE." Wait until you are comfortable.

Somerdad34 03/11/2015

Tell him that you want him to like you for you. You like him and want to take it slow.
I was very flattered when I heard that and I respected her for it.
Good luck and be true to yourself. Don't do anything you are not ready to do.

Lenoire 03/12/2015

You're better off to be left by him after 4 sexless dates, then to be left by him after having sex too soon because that's all he wanted. That would leave you steaming like a hot iron.

This is not a time to be silly, it's time to be real and true to yourself and your standards. Kiss if you like, but if he goes for it, simply remove his hand, that will do all the talking for you.

I wish you success.

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