Hello BetterToday. Welcome to DS. Sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

I've never had problems understanding that romantic ideal of happily ever after, but, to me, it's reality factor explains the 21st century divorce rate completely. We don't get to reinvent ourselves overnight on a single act of will.

My own husband and I have lived separately more than once in our 38 years together. We figure that family is bigger than a street address and the extra space gives us time to work through our individual issues. My husband has a similar lying habit. Those "White Lies" are so thoroughly a part of his birth family legacy that I don't believe he even knows he is lying when he suppresses his true feelings. The dynamics leak through similar wise with compulsive eating and related health issues. My own M.O. is to use the truth like a weapon. Zero compassion with my honesty. I'm not sure which quirk is more damaging, but for sure we each needed to work through the yaddahs of our personal blahs separately.

Family is a lifelong commitment that seems to have an infinite number of forms it can develop. It's okay if it takes a lifetime to work it out. It's equally okay if your family has unique dynamics. Ya works with what life sends you.

Guess I'm just rambling. Mostly want to say, "Welcome aboard. Gentle support while you sort your own."

Hi, it probably may seem like overkill since you’re doing marriage counseling, but have done any one on one therapy to help you address your own issues? To me, it’s hard to reconcile working on the marriage when there seems to be stuff you aren’t addressing on what seems a very deep personal level.

Big hug better.... I was going to write the same thing as rmb..... I would start with one on one counselling

I don't know that marriage therapy will help until you figure out why you are sabotaging your relationship and yourself over and over again and then start to find a way to put some healthy coping mechanisms and ways of dealing with life in place

At some point your wife will be done......If you want this marriage to work I would start by working with a therapist on helping you and then later onto helping you two as a couple

Trust needs to be earned and that's going to take probably quite some time but I think getting help for yourself shows good intent and that you want help

If I were you I would try to take your time answering when asked something that you may want to lie about.... Just bite your tongue and say nothing for a minute... My dad used to say 'stop and think before you speak'

You can make different choices and there is good help to be had.... You can work through these problems and develop new and good skills....

Your wife would be foolish to believe you at this point however over time trust can be earned again..... xo

This is an article about why children lie......It's a good article and may help just to go back and look at the beginning.....xo

https://psychcentral.com/lib/when-a-child-lies/?li_source=LI&li_medium=popular17

I agree with rmb and SunCoud to get one on one therapy first or along with couple's therapy. Also, carefully think before you speak, so that maybe you'll tell the truth instead of lying. Good luck with everything. I'm sending good thoughts and prayers your way.

This is going to come across as harsh but you remind me of my son who is diagnosed with a personality disorder so I just want to be direct with you. I believe you lie because its easier having secrets and you like having secrets. You lie because you don't want others to know the truth about you. Its not so hard to defeat a lie detector test although I am not accusing you -- we don't know the truth of your assertions here. You eat too much because someone else is stressing you out, its not about self control and monitoring what you eat and drink. I wonder if your weight gain has you worried you won't attract another women or do you truly care that you gross your wife out? You are upset that your wife is pulling away from you but you don't have enough empathy to realize what a crappy husband you are and to make changes. You have a lot of kids, do you have kids with other women or just this three with current wife? Sounds like another not taking responsibility. Or do I have you wrong here? I am going to go out on a limb and suggest you look up the personality disorder called antisocial personality disorder or sociopathy. If you truly want to change, consider going into intensive therapy for yourself, alone and committing to being a decent, honest, guy and someone who has integrity, empathy, love, respect for others and cares about how he treats others. These are skills you likely do not possess and you will have to learn them as an adult.

I agree with others who said to get to the bottom of why you lie, when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

Do you behave this way with everyone, or just with your wife?

My ex was a chronic liar as well. For him, I think it stemmed from a childhood where he wasn't allowed to express his true feelings. Maybe he had to be perfect in front of extended family and parent's friends. I do know that his mom always looked up to those who had bigger house, better behaved children and more of whatever. My ex developed his passive aggressiveness during those childhood years, and brought them into every aspect of his life. I eventually couldn't take the lies and the betrayal I felt from constantly being lied to. I'm a 'do as you say and say as you do' kind of person so his opposite behavior really bothered me. I lost trust in him, then respect then finally love. He hasn't addressed any of his issues and still plays the same games, which is sad.

You have something going for you, and that is knowledge of your shortcomings. Definitely get some help for yourself, along with marriage counseling. Those who are chronically lied to can only take so much. Address this before you lost your wife for good.

I’m so sorry to hear about your struggles, bettertoday3. It takes courage to reach out for help. You’ve already taken that big step here. All of us need help at some point in life, and I’m glad you were willing to share your concerns with us. You’ve already got some good advice from other posters. Stay away from your own negative thoughts and stand strong for your marriage and family. It does take time, patience, and hard work to build a happy marriage, and I hope you’ll work on your trust issues. Sending prayers and wishing well!

Hello everybody. Thank you to all for your responses today. It have truly appreciated hearing from so many of you. I''ll respond to a number of questions or suggestions that have been made.

@arfie: Thank you for sharing your story. My wife and I are currently discussing the possibility of separating. I'm not taking this well at all. My wife feels she cannot trust me (makes sense) and she wants to feel secure (makes sense as well but I feel like I bring security....not sure I'm on the same plane here),

@rmb: At this point, we are in couples therapy to address issues affecting our marriage. I agree with the idea that I need to get into individual counseling to address my issues. It is a challenge as my wife and I have 3 young children and we're both very involved with them when we're at home. There is not a whole lot a free time to make this happen but we'll have to figure something out.

@SunCloudJD: Thank you for the suggestions on how to take my time with responding. I'm going to practice fully listening and being more measured with my responses. That way, I'll have time to think about how to best respond honestly. I agree as well that individual counseling needs to take place. A big thank you as well for sharing the article on why children lie. It has been a true nightmare to be accused of such a horrific act, while knowing that I did not do any of what I'm being accused of. It thing leads me to think, "Why was this said in the first place when it is not true?" I still have no response to this.

@catinMichigan: I'll definitely be thinking before I speak. I'm guilty of always looking to have an answer to something immediately and it keeps me from giving ideas the appropriate amount of time needed for true thought to occur.

@urbangardener: Thank you for "keeping it real". I do disagree with you on a number of points. Going to a world renowned FBI profiler and passing a lie detector test is not easy (It's not simple to fake how your sweat glands, heart rate, and breathing take place. It's called an involuntary response for a reason. And that's not even taking into account that we paid many thousands of $$$ for the test). I do have 3 children and they are all with my wife. I find your other points interesting, everything from the eating to not taking responsibility. I obviously have some issues to deal with and am taking steps to do so (It's part of why I'm here). In regards to the personality disorder called antisocial personality disorder, or as most people call it, a sociopath, that's a big claim. Then again, my wife has thrown out a similar claim so maybe I'm just in the dark here. I'm very quick to recognize I have faults and see the hurt I have caused. I'm seeking to become a better person, a better husband, and a better husband. I'm literally taking my progression one day at a time.

@11Christmases: Good question. I grew up on "white lies" are not the end of the world. Well, guess what, they are when you've compromised the level of trust needed for a happy marriage. My dishonesty is not just towards my wife. I've been dishonest at work as with my family as well.

@jojored: You stated, "I lost trust in him, then respect then finally love". I am starting to believe that my wife is their with you. It made me so sad to read your post as it seemed you were reading our reality. I don't want it to be so but I have failed my wife and my family. Were those stupid lies worth it? Of course not, so why have I put us in this position. You know, my wife says that's it's been 7 years of lies....it hurts to hear that when I know I haven't lied to her about everything. In there is where the problem is: it's not fair to my wife, or anybody, to try to determine what's real and what's not. I can't be upset at anybody for not trusting me as I have not earned anybody's trust. It's truly the Boy Who Cried Wolf complex. On your last point, I think I have already lost my wife. I'm in the process of making sense of this and truly trying to process what we now face. It's just really sad!

@lilstarsmum: Thank you for the kind words of encouragement. I am trying to do all that I can for my marriage and for my family.

Thank you all again for sharing. My purpose is to address my shortcomings and become a better father in the process. If I'm so blessed to continue along with my wife, then I'll apply my learning into our marriage. If not, I'll use it as a painful life lesson that will impact me for the rest of my life. Either way, this is a difficult time in our lives and I'm appreciative of the opportunity to be able to work through this with support from many of you.

This is what I will say about not having a lot of free time to address your issues. If you had a medical problem, you wouldn’t put off taking care of it or say you didn’t have time. It’s the same with emotional health.

That you aren’t connecting why she wouldn’t feel secure with you is interesting. Feeling secure is directly related to trust. When you feel you have no trust with your mate, you are always anticipating when the next lie is happening; you feel like you are never on solid ground. Everything you think you know to be true, you question. I can’t speak for her but that would not make me feel secure.

Good luck to you. I hope you can work this stuff out for yourself.

I have to agree again with rmb..... If there is anyway at all possible I would get some help for 'you' to work on you

This is huge.... It's effecting your whole life and I think probably will continue to if you don't get some help

And with all due respect you aren't good at it!!... Which is probably a good thing!

There's a reason you're doing this and like an illness I think it needs treatment.... You 'may' have a disorder? or some traits??

I would personally start by seeing your family doctor..... Let him/her know what's been going on and ask for a referral

There is help for you

You could even discuss this with your marriage counsellor if you can't manage them both at the same time?

I don't know that your marriage and behaviour will change without dealing with what is going on within you and it may go back a very long way

Our formative years have a huge impact on our life ongoing however the things that we don't want or that are hurting us and our lives can be addressed and changed

Big squishy hug.....xo

Who cares why you lie and don't do what you say. Okay so to do this quick let's get some empathy out there... You probably had to lie to survive growing up. Poor you, your not a bad person, your a survivor.

Now f that. Your ruining your life with this behaviour!!
What are you actually going to do to change???

Right now, go get pen and paper

Seriously, why are you still reading without pen and paper!!?

Go get pen and paper! Ffs.

Now, that you have pen and paper... Right


List all the lies you need to come clean about with your partner and all the stuff you have promised to do but haven't.

Every day look at this list of lies and to do list, every day at 8pm or another good time, tell your partner of your lies during the day and then take some action to get some of your to do list done.

After a month of doing this daily, you can then dare to feel a bit less like a liar and disappointment and more like an honest man worthy of trust that can be counted on

Hopefully over time whatever reason that compels you to lie and make false promises will be replaced by character and your life and relationships will improve

My partner just this evening made it obvious to me he was lying or not bothering to think things through when we made major decisions about our life and future together and guess what? I'm extremely hurt and upset and angry.
All my plans for future are screwed up because he didn't do the right thing... And it cheers me up no end that he is now ignoring me and my mood, possibly as a passive aggressive attack at my calling him on his bs, or avoiding my unhappiness.

Lies and not doing what you promise fucks up everything!!! Stop fucking around this instance
Go get your self pen and paper and daily have an alarm go off on your phone to go through your two lists

We all feel such sympathy for your reasons for behaving badly, your an adult now though, so what you gonna do? Accept your natural programming as a liar and a let down or are you going to make efforts to change!?

Very easy to change using my approach, hardly any effort at all

So do it

No more excuses

Go sort yourself out, and you owe your wife a number of good times to soothe her wounds inflicted by you

How about going one whole day doing what you say you will do
After you go one whole day
Go for consecutive days

That is all upon you
Either you make that happen or you don’t