Healthy Relationships Support Group
No relationship is perfect. A long-term relationship requires constant effort to understand each other, fix misunderstandings, solve problems and continue to grow as both individuals change and evolve. How we deal with our misunderstandings is the focus of this community. Join us to find support, get advice, and share your experience with your relationship.
I was introduced to this guy through my best friend, and hooked up with him the same night. Neither I or him thought it would go further than a one night stand- I had low expectations.
The following day he said he wanted to see me, and when I suggested I wasn't up for a "booty call", he said he just really wanted to get to know me more. He just got out of a relationship two months ago, and we hooked up for the first time a month after his break up.
Since the night we met, he has made an effort to text me every day- even when he's been out of town or vice versa. He will start conversation over anything, but when we hang out, we just have sex and then he sleeps over if it's a weekend, or he goes home (I've driven him a few times). Obviously, I've been confused, because if he's going out of his way to text me every day just to make conversation, even when he's not seeing me, but then hasn't taken the initiative to make dinner reservations or even take me out to BRUNCH, I've come to the conclusion he's using me- after many times of me saying I don't just want to be a booty call.
I don't really appreciate or want any comments about me giving myself up too soon- I am all for women's sexuality being equal to that of men's- and I think sex on the first or third or fifteenth date is irrelevant if both parties are interesting and invested in each other. I have plenty of friends who have had sex the first night and they've started relationships.
This morning, he woke up, we had sex, and he said "alright... you wanna go?" and I drove him home. When I got back to my apartment, I had this really unsettled feeling. I was done with this. I'm done with being strung along- texted everyday as if he cares, and then never going on a date.. just "hanging out and having sex". I've done the friends with benefits thing before- I've been fine with it. I actually enjoy it... but most of the guys I've done that with haven't made an effort to talk to me every day like this one. I almost have started to feel as I'm a warm body- a rebound- or a replacement to his ex... a companion and someone he can text every day, have sex with, find confidence in knowing someone's interested, but never have to do the work.
So I texted him this morning and said "I'm not too sure I want to do this anymore." He said... "what do you mean?" and I said "I'm not sure I wanna hook up. Seems like I'm a booty call and I just don't want to be. That's it." His response was "Man I really liked what we had going. But I don't want to lie and say I want a relationship because I don't want to settle down right now". I said okay, that's fine. I like hooking up with you, I just don't like looking easy, and I don't like feeling taken advantage of.
His response was something to the effect of well who's making you feel as though you look easy? I wasn't aware other people had opinions on what we are doing? (He was referencing my good friend who set us up- who has told me he acts and treats me like I'm a piece of ass).
I responded with I'm just telling you from my POV. I'm happy to continue having sex because it's good, but I want to be on the same page.
Basically, what I meant to imply, was that I'm not so sure I'm SUPER ready for a relationship either... but there is in between with a booty call and a full on relationship... dinner occassionally... brunch the next morning... hanging out... To him it seems black and white, and to me, it leaves me confused. For nearly TWO MONTHS he has texted me every day- some days just to say hi and ask how things are going- leading me to think I'm not just a booty call... because why would he make the effort to talk to me? He's alluded to wanting to see a movie... go to dinner... go paintballing... but all in very tentative terms. I'm talking like, 3 weeks ago, he's said these things.. and then never followed through. We watch tv and hang in bed, he'll kiss me before we go to sleep.. but then he leaves the next morning as if I'm nothing more. I am so confused, and hurt.
Long story short, he didn't respond to my last message... and then snapchatted me a photo of a bag of candy saying "I owe you" (because last night he came over and ate my entire candy stash).
Did I make the right decision in texting him that? I have been through this before, and the biggest mistake I made was not finding clarity and being up front when I thought the guy was using me. I don't want to be used, but I want companionship. I don't want a full blown relationship.... but I want to hook up with someone. What he seems to want is a warm body to replace his ex girlfriend. I feel stupid, impulsive, overly sensitive, and suffocating for texting him and confronting the topic.... but then again, he ignored my last message and snapchatted me that photo as if nothing was wrong.
I don't know what to do.. I have loved waking up to his texts for the past two months... he takes time out of his day to think of me.. yet we have never progressed past casual sex and what feels like "forced intimacy (hugging and kissing)"... not one date. nothing. and I know it's not because I "gave it up too soon", because he told me about this other girl he met right before me, who he took on a date, and then he made out with her... and she said she wanted to wait to have sex with him... so he said "I'm out." .....That leads me to think that either way, even if I did hold out on him, he'd probably ditch me. So, I think he'll ditch me now for confronting him because I look too vulnerable. I just feel like I screwed the whole thing up, and I'll never find a guy who will just want me and not have to play these games. I'm 25 to put it in perspective... and I just feel like it gets worse.
The following day he said he wanted to see me, and when I suggested I wasn't up for a "booty call", he said he just really wanted to get to know me more. He just got out of a relationship two months ago, and we hooked up for the first time a month after his break up.
Since the night we met, he has made an effort to text me every day- even when he's been out of town or vice versa. He will start conversation over anything, but when we hang out, we just have sex and then he sleeps over if it's a weekend, or he goes home (I've driven him a few times). Obviously, I've been confused, because if he's going out of his way to text me every day just to make conversation, even when he's not seeing me, but then hasn't taken the initiative to make dinner reservations or even take me out to BRUNCH, I've come to the conclusion he's using me- after many times of me saying I don't just want to be a booty call.
I don't really appreciate or want any comments about me giving myself up too soon- I am all for women's sexuality being equal to that of men's- and I think sex on the first or third or fifteenth date is irrelevant if both parties are interesting and invested in each other. I have plenty of friends who have had sex the first night and they've started relationships.
This morning, he woke up, we had sex, and he said "alright... you wanna go?" and I drove him home. When I got back to my apartment, I had this really unsettled feeling. I was done with this. I'm done with being strung along- texted everyday as if he cares, and then never going on a date.. just "hanging out and having sex". I've done the friends with benefits thing before- I've been fine with it. I actually enjoy it... but most of the guys I've done that with haven't made an effort to talk to me every day like this one. I almost have started to feel as I'm a warm body- a rebound- or a replacement to his ex... a companion and someone he can text every day, have sex with, find confidence in knowing someone's interested, but never have to do the work.
So I texted him this morning and said "I'm not too sure I want to do this anymore." He said... "what do you mean?" and I said "I'm not sure I wanna hook up. Seems like I'm a booty call and I just don't want to be. That's it." His response was "Man I really liked what we had going. But I don't want to lie and say I want a relationship because I don't want to settle down right now". I said okay, that's fine. I like hooking up with you, I just don't like looking easy, and I don't like feeling taken advantage of.
His response was something to the effect of well who's making you feel as though you look easy? I wasn't aware other people had opinions on what we are doing? (He was referencing my good friend who set us up- who has told me he acts and treats me like I'm a piece of ass).
I responded with I'm just telling you from my POV. I'm happy to continue having sex because it's good, but I want to be on the same page.
Basically, what I meant to imply, was that I'm not so sure I'm SUPER ready for a relationship either... but there is in between with a booty call and a full on relationship... dinner occassionally... brunch the next morning... hanging out... To him it seems black and white, and to me, it leaves me confused. For nearly TWO MONTHS he has texted me every day- some days just to say hi and ask how things are going- leading me to think I'm not just a booty call... because why would he make the effort to talk to me? He's alluded to wanting to see a movie... go to dinner... go paintballing... but all in very tentative terms. I'm talking like, 3 weeks ago, he's said these things.. and then never followed through. We watch tv and hang in bed, he'll kiss me before we go to sleep.. but then he leaves the next morning as if I'm nothing more. I am so confused, and hurt.
Long story short, he didn't respond to my last message... and then snapchatted me a photo of a bag of candy saying "I owe you" (because last night he came over and ate my entire candy stash).
Did I make the right decision in texting him that? I have been through this before, and the biggest mistake I made was not finding clarity and being up front when I thought the guy was using me. I don't want to be used, but I want companionship. I don't want a full blown relationship.... but I want to hook up with someone. What he seems to want is a warm body to replace his ex girlfriend. I feel stupid, impulsive, overly sensitive, and suffocating for texting him and confronting the topic.... but then again, he ignored my last message and snapchatted me that photo as if nothing was wrong.
I don't know what to do.. I have loved waking up to his texts for the past two months... he takes time out of his day to think of me.. yet we have never progressed past casual sex and what feels like "forced intimacy (hugging and kissing)"... not one date. nothing. and I know it's not because I "gave it up too soon", because he told me about this other girl he met right before me, who he took on a date, and then he made out with her... and she said she wanted to wait to have sex with him... so he said "I'm out." .....That leads me to think that either way, even if I did hold out on him, he'd probably ditch me. So, I think he'll ditch me now for confronting him because I look too vulnerable. I just feel like I screwed the whole thing up, and I'll never find a guy who will just want me and not have to play these games. I'm 25 to put it in perspective... and I just feel like it gets worse.
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Look at what my best friend did with my picture!
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We all have 24 hours in a day. How we spend these hours is important. Watching a little bit of a video about how sitting affects us made me aware of how much sitting and laying down I do. Gonna have to work on that.Your turn. Tell me another truth.
He, on the other hand, seems like he does not want anything beyond having sex because if he did he would follow through on the ideas about movies etc.
I could be wrong here, but I almost feel like you might like him to begin to attach to you so a more couple relationship can form either now or in the future. I sense this because you feel that if you hold back he will ditch you. Actually I wanted to suggest you hold out and see if he still wants to go out etc. My guess from what you wrote is he will back off, but you know him better than I ever could.
Sometimes is it really great to have that warm, breathing person next to us when we wake up but if they are not there for us in any other fashion, not even as friends, it can seem very shallow. Maybe you can take some time and just think over what you really want and also give yourself an opportunity to see someone else who might want to date you as well. Intimacy seems like it would be a whole lot more worth while when a form of relationship is there.
I hope this helps maybe even a little!! I know you must be very confused and a little hurt. This man probably has still been processing his last relationship and is not really ready for anything more than what he is giving to you.
I also had a relationship like that and at one point I got kinda ticked off... If you just want sex, don't dig into my soul every day with your texting and don't pretend that you care. Let's just have dinner and not talk about meaningful, personal things.
Wow that's confusing.
Booty calls are fine if you leave emotions out of it. He is sucking u in with the daily texting.
That sucks
Anyway, I can totally see how that would be confusing. And I think this kind of thing happening is always a risk of casual relationships, you know. It can really mess with your head when both people are playing by what seems are a different set of unspoken rules.
I think it is a good idea to just step back and really take some time to regroup. If it makes you feel weird about yourself or question yourself, it's good to listen to that part of you; that's how we learn about ourselves and how we determine what we really want.
Try no booty and let him spend some money on you (including transportation). My guess is you'll be off his booty call list in a heartbeat. JMO.
If you want to go out o lunch, brunch and a movie, why don't you just TELL him the two of you are going to lunch brunch and a movie?
I've noticed this pattern on this forum before. Women who have sex with men on the first date and then act like they want to be treated like a princess afterward. You were bold, you went after what you wanted. Now continue to be bold and when he says.. "Do you want to take me home? You say... No, I want to go out to brunch.
Why do a bold thing like having sex on the first meeting and then get all shy and .." Oh, he is the man and must invite me out"
I don't get it.
idk, i understand you think he should initiate the date invite and i agree, but look, he's a guy. he can have sex or go to dinner. which do you think he's gonna pick?
I think you should have been more clear and not said "i don't wanna just be a booty call". you should say "i feel if you respected me you would take me to dinner" or something along that line, so he has exact instruction of what you want to not feel like just a booty call. you want to go out to dinner.
Right now he probably thinks you want to marry him! lol
So.. if he spent money on you, then you'd consider it a relationship? I get a little irritated hearing "feeling used", when you were horny too, you wanted him too, you spread your legs, you had sex, willingly, so you used HIM too, and NOW you're putting a price tag on your, um, you know what it's called.
I completely understand your point of view on this situation. What I'm going to say may sound a little forward but why should he put money into the gumball machine, when it's totally free of charge? He didn't even have to pursue you before he got the grand price, granted "both" of guys made the decision to engage in sexual activity within the first day of meeting. I see nothing wrong with two adults doing something they choose but I think it pretty backwards to expect any type of effort on his end after the fact. He mentioned he just got out of a serious relationship and isn't looking forward to one anytime soon, you agreed. When you met him for the first time and you two had sex, you already had low expectations of any relationship with him. As far as his texting you two months straight. It takes zero effort to text someone unless you just can't stand that person. But taking someone out, going to actual places, planning trips, dinners, movies, etc is making some type of effort that should turn you on/please you, not his loyal text skills. After all, he could be texting other females.
I'm two years older than yourself but when I dated a guy, I actually dated with the intentions of just meeting people, no sex involved even if I wanted it because believe it or not good sex/booty calls can really confuse the whole situation...as you can see. And I don't know you but if a guy mentioned to me that he would ditch a woman because she decided not to have sex with him while dating him...or whatever "he" calls it, I would quickly end our conversation and call it a night because he pretty much just showed you what type of person he is and what his expectations are.
Lastly, I would like to say real men don't play games. If you want something more serious, take "you" serious first and know what you want and what he can add on to you, not what he can take away and get away with.