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Confused and hurt by boyfriend's behavior

summerrose1217
summerrose1217


Hi,


i have been dating this guy for 5 years. He is a good person and I love him, but he has done so many hurtful things to me and I am not sure how much more I can take.


We started dating my sophomore year of college. He is a PdD student. He is now on his last year of the PhD program and accepted a job in Washington DC. For the first few years of our relationship, I was not sure if we even had a future. I would try and talk to him about it, and he would either ignore me or make some sort of stupid joke. We have also never had sex. He says that he is saving sex for marriage, but he does not even seem attracted to me. I thought he might be gay, but he does not seem attracted to men either. Any time there is a sex scene in a movie, he calls it weird or gross. 


I orginally thought this was okay. I thought he would be more serious after he graduated, and that sex was not a big deal either. I felt kind of gross for having those feelings for him when he did not feel the same way for me. Right now, I am a 25 year old female. He is a 31 year old male.


Lately, however, he has been acting in a way that does not seem okay to me.


I was originally thrilled beyond belief when he said we could get married and I can come up to DC with him. 


He has been acting super strange since then though. He keeps talking about looking at apartments, but he does not talk about bringing me with him. He talked about it being just him and his dad looking, then he started talking about renting a car. When I asked him if I could come, he was like 'sure, if you want' but did not seem too happy about it.


I have emailed him some apartments too, and they are all 'too expensive' even though the ones I found were on the inexpensive side for that area. He has also made some sarcastic remarks that I need to get a job before I come up with him ( like I am a gold digger or something and will not find a job otherwise, lol), this is despite the fact that I have been working at the same company since I graduated college, have money in my savings account, etc.


Also every time I ask him about weddings or anything, he just shuts down and is like 'I don't want to talk about this anymore'. He claims it is because he is busy with his dissertation, but I can talk to him about literally anything else and he does not act that way.


whenever I confront him with something he has done to upset me he is just like 'aww' 'okay' or 'sorry. Then he will do something else to hurt me. 


i can tell that his heart is not in a future together, despite what he tells me. I feel like he is only talks about me coming up because he feels like he is supposed to, not because he actually wants to.



What do you do if you love someone with all your heart, but can tell their heart is not in a future with you?

thecaretaker
thecaretaker
I agree with Dan. Your future doesn't look good with him... unless you want to be hurt the rest of your life. Do you want him to pass on his problems to your children? You are in love with a sick puppy. Cut your losses and look for a healthy man. Take care of yourself first, He is not going to. Find someone who is available. We love you....
Community LeaderSunCloudJD
SunCloudJD
There seems to be something really big missing in this relationship.... It doesn't seem from what you've written that it's at all loving.... It reads more like a friendship to me
I'm sorry you're hurting..... However I agree I would walk away now before wasting anymore of your time.... Big hug .....xo
Aronia
Aronia
Omg!!! What the hell!
He is making you feel guilty about wanting to have sex with him??? This guy is a deviant!
Now, I totally respect people who want to save themselves for marriage, but in my experience, even if a couple is abstinent , there is still some flirting going on and some sexy talk and dreams about what having sex will be like and the couple would actually be anxiously anticipating getting married because they can't wait to get naked together.
When he sees a sex scene on TV he should be saying : " I wish this was us!"
WTF!
I actually think that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. This is not love. Love doesn't feel like this.
If you can, break up with him.
If you marry him, your life will be a nightmare.
I agree that something is seriously wrong with him.
JeanaRose
JeanaRose
The red flags are everywhere. One of the biggest lessons I've learned in life--and it took a damned long time--is that I can love someone but that doesn't mean I should be with him. It's okay to love him, it's not okay to waste your precious time on him when you should be focusing your energy on making a satisfying life for yourself so that you will draw to you the things and people you want in your life. Including a mutual love. Women waste so much time trying to figure out men, and their relationships with men, when there is so much life to live! Sometimes we relapse, meaning we get sad over old relationships lost, or we wonder 'what if', or we regret how we've handled some things. But when all is said and done, if we're emotionally healthy, we are fully capable to get back to life and keep on keeping on. loving someone who doesn't put you first, is a lonely, lonely life. Don't choose that path any longer.
smileshideit
smileshideit
Deep passionate love exists and you shouldn't settle for anything less. I attempted to seek after a guy that was one of my closest friends and he was so whatever about everything. When I told him I liked him he didn't feel the same and it broke my heart. It was the best thing that could have happened to me. He freed me to finally notice my best friend who had liked me a long time and now is my husband. The difference between the two men was one was too chill and very unemotional. He did his own thing. For some reason I was very attracted to him still. He came around me when he felt like it and we did have nice times together but he was very inattentive. On the other hand my husband, then bestfriend was caring, loving to me, always wanted to spend time and would give me any length of time I needed. He was reliable and affectionate. We had great times together and grew closer with time. So it's pretty obvious looking at the two comparisons which was the better man, yet for the longest time I focused on the worst choice possible. It hurt to finally let go of the first but when I did, I was free and noticed a man who actually loved me. Our relationship has been far superior to any movie romance you can think of. I have no idea what I did to be blessed with this man. If you are not growing with your bf, then right there is a problem. If he's not treating you with love, then there is a problem. You sound like your where I once was and in love with a man who's not worth anyone's time.
Sadly to this day the first guy will come around once and awhile as he's known my husband and I for years and he's as lost as he was then. He has no life or hope. He's stuck in a rut and if he had liked me back all those years ago, I'd probably be stuck in that rut with him. Instead I'm married, with a kid, and lots of hope. Just know that you won't regret this step if you leave him. You'll remember it as a hard but blessed changed. One that will free you up for the right man and the right future.
summerrose1217
summerrose1217
Thank you so much for all your kind and helpful advice :) I agree with everyone here, particularly that even though we are exclusively dating, it feels more like a friendship than a relationship. It just does not feel loving.

I am probably not going to move up to DC and marry him unless something major happens to explain his strange behavior, which I do not see happening. The way he has talked to me this month when I have talked about the wedding, apartments, etc. is really disrespectful and it would scare me to be married to someone who talks to me that way.

Thank you again for all your support :)
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