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I'm very grateful for everything my parents did for me, they clothed me, fed me, sent me to school. I feel terribly guilty for writing this journal entry about my mother - she raised me on her own. My parents went through a really long drawn out divorce, which lasted 6 years ( between 9-15yrs of age for me). Calling their divorce acrimonious would be an understatement. It took a toll on both of them and I'm 100% sure that becoming a single parent so suddenly was the reason for my mothers' actions at the time. Right now, I have a really good relationship with my mother. I love her to the moon and back and share every detail of my life with her and try and do as much as I can for her. But I can't let go of the trauma of my childhood and I'm resorting to writing in this journal to help alleviate some of that pain. At 23, I'm considered a weird person to be around. I wear the same clothes everyday, my friends can never understand why I apologise for every little thing, I've never had a stable relationship, keep my emotions to myself and have terrible self esteem. Recently, I've been wondering if my childhood could be the reason for this. I was spanked regularly as a child, something which is very common in the community and social environment in which I was raised. Most of the time, I deserved it. I was a really bratty child. But, I think sometimes, it went too far. I would be spanked more if I cried - to toughen me up, I was sometimes asked to show her my arms and back - if it wasn't red enough, or if she couldn't see fingerprints, I would be spanked some more. Once, when I was scared after watching a movie, she heated up the kitchen clamps over the stove and threatened to burn me if I cried. I was often confused - she would tell me she loved me a lot, and in a few days, tell me that she wished she never had a daughter. She would drive miles every weekend just to take me to the library, then tell me that I was a good for nothing useless human and that I would amount to nothing because I was so much like my father. I remember a day when I came home to tell her that some girls at school had troubled me, and she laughed and told me I deserved it. I used to come back home from school at 5 and my mum would come back at 6. Every day, I would cry for that one hour - I never knew why I was upset but I cried. My mother stopped hurting me when I was 14. And we've built this great mother daughter relationship since then. But I still feel like I'm carrying a giant burden on my shoulders. Even my closest friends of 10 years know nothing about this. I feel like I don't deserve nice things in life, I feel like I only deserve pain ( however dumb and illogical as it sounds) and I'm always scared of little things. I really want to be able to embrace life, and to take risks and love deeply, now is the time to be young and free right? Is it possible that my childhood experiences have caused these problems that I'm facing in adulthood? What should I do to be able to lead a more normal, happy life?
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Here is my new brother, copper :) He's so tiny! Moo and Tuck were ok with him on first meeting. Rocket due to his severe aggression will never meet Cooper.
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https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTDeA9Wxg/
This repeated abuse is very damaging and traumatic..... You are making excuses for your mom's behaviour because you love her however I went through a lot to growing up and there is no excuse for treating children like this IMHO
Trauma therapy can help you to heal...… Your doctor could refer you to a therapist that specializes in trauma if you're able to manage it
You do deserve nice things sweetie and you don't deserve pain.....
Negative automatic thinking is just that automatic and there are ways to help you to deal with this.... Tools.... such as mindfulness meditation
Here are some symptoms of complex trauma...… We do have a good and active PTSD board on here and there are several members who suffer from prolonged child abuse
https://blogs.psychcentral.com/after-trauma/2014/05/what-are-the-symptoms-of-complex-trauma/
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd
Negative automatic thinking
https://www.verywellmind.com/what-are-negative-automatic-thoughts-3024608
I can relate to the dysfunctional behaviours and its relationship to our upbringing. These behaviours were created to help us cope, though in a dysfunctional way. We did not know any better, and in most cases neither did our parents.
These behaviours become imprinted into our psyche, and when triggered we automatically go into that groove and seem to get stuck in it. We know it's dysfunctional but we still don't know how to replace the imprint. So we end up repeating them.
Imprints, even when we know they are dysfunctional, are easy to do. After all, we have been doing them for years. So it's going to be a bit hard to replace them without working at the healthier coping skills. The idea is to replace an old imprint (well practised) with a new well practised one.
To change requires gowing against the grain. Much internal resistance will be experienced. But it will be worth it. As mentioned by SunCloudJD, get professional help to learn new ways of coping and well-being. Be prepared to work at it daily.
There is an old saying that is fairly right for most people. Give your self at least one month for every year of being dysfunctional. If you are 23, then give yourself two years before all your new behaviours become automatic.
It works if you work it.
And guess what, you will also develop a habit of changing for the better. So life will get better and better.