Honestly I am guessing he’s setting the ground work to eventually end the relationship.

I mean everything he is saying sounds like a form of gaslighting: I don’t feel loved (wtf does that even mean) but he doesn’t want to lose you. People who don’t want to lose their partner usually put in the effort with their partner to fight for the relationship and work through the issue.

Friendships with people at work is not unusual in and of itself but if he’s getting closer to another women under the guise of “friendship” while also telling you he may want to separate, that’s a pretty big red flag.

I’m just guessing of course. You know him and your relationship better than anyone. But I think your anxiety is really your gut telling you something is way off. You should listen to your gut.

Have you suggested couples counseling? Marriage is not going to improve this situation; it will only make it worse. Was he like this before you set a wedding date?

Sounds like this new friendship looks more appealing than the old one he has. Do something now or you will watch their relationship grow.
I would definitely find this new person and do some investigating

The new person is not the problem. He is the problem. Address it with him. He’s a grown man in a relationship, with kids. This work friend only has an opening if he allows it.

Start to meditate or pray for your peace. I've been there, and thought that another person was better than I. Suddenly, I became very peaceful and he noticed it. As soon

As soon as he was coming, I ran to the door with a smile. I knew I had to change I was angry and hurt. I was around bad company talking bad about me and my husband and I learned to disconnect and meditation and around people who support the marriage

This is a difficult situation. I’m sure you are hurt and scared. Anxiety is normal for this situation and the double message he is giving you. He wants out but he doesn’t want to lose you. I always say accept who people are and don’t pretend they are different. He is either ready to go or is manipulative or trying to control you. I know you have kids. Are you working also? I would also suggest you get to a good family law attorney to find out your legal rights regarding child support, custody arrangements, short consults are often free. If he’s willing, couples counseling might help but I think he's already made the mental switch to wanting out of the relationship. Remember you don’t have to accept his double message. He can sleep on the couch or move out. I know you don’t want him to be uncommitted to you and the kids and you are probably scared to death. I’d be furious also. Let us know how you are doing. Take care of yourself.

I feel like i didn't do this post justice. I was writing during a very hard emotional time where I was not thinking clearly and was just feeling a lot. I talked about the coworker out of jealousy of him giving her so much attention. She does have a family of her own and my partner has shown no signs of hiding anything from me when it comes to anyone in his circle. I believe i reacted strongly because something similar happened in my previous marriage, but my ex-husband actually did cheat on me with the woman he was talking to. I'm trying to not feel such a strong reaction whenever i notice that he is talking to her and trying to keep the negative thoughts out of my head because i don't want to be one of those overly jealous types.
The breaking up talk still worries me. We have weekly check-ins, its a fairly new thing we are trying out. They seem to be mostly negative in what all i am not doing and it felt like a lot of critism that i was not mature enough to handle. It made me feel small and I was already insecure and felt like a bad mother and partner, i am also trying to tell myself that he is speaking of this to hope for improvement to work on it instead of giving up and walking away because he knows that if we would seperate then i would take our child with me. it was really bothering me on how much he was focusing on what would happen if we seperated though... it was really hard to talk about because i dont want to imagine breaking up. i want to make this work.

Hi FrogFairy,

This must be a difficult situation for you and I am sorry you have to deal with this.

I agree with the other posts above, and also when @rmb said above, that marriage won't fix this, it will make it worse.

You are still a young woman (saw your profile that you are 27) and divorced once with a child from the previous marriage, and planning a second marriage with this guy, who you have another child with.... and I am just thinking that maybe doing the couples counseling would be a really good idea. To find out why your guy is saying this stuff to you, and suddenly spending more time with the girl co-worker. I agree that it seems suspicious timing.

You need to know if he is all in or all out, there is no 50/50 on his intentions toward you. He has to be 100% about you and your child(ren). Do not settle for less!! Talk to him, see where his head is at.

So don’t focus on the his work friend but instead his actions and his words. My concern for you solely based on what you wrote is he’s telling you all the things you are not doing for him or the relationship. I mean is that reasonable to you?

Having checks where it’s just one partner complaining about the other partner does not sound productive. It sounds punitive. Couples counseling would be a much better option, so that the discussions are not one sided, where you each can express yourselves.

I don’t know your situation but I find it hard to believe you are 100% of the problem in the relationship. Ask yourself what you need from him as well, not just all the things you aren’t doing.

What worries me here is that you say his check-ins are mostly to criticize you. Pay attention to this. Like rmb said, the constant criticism is not productive. Of course, it makes you feel small and not valued. I worry this is more of an abuse or control or manipulation tactic than a way to create emotional and physical partnership between you two. It devalues you both and knocks down the love.

I would think it would be more helpful if you guys praised each other on the weekly check-ins. What is one thing each can say nice to the other. If he wants the house cleaner because you are messy, for example, his praising the small changes will make you want to do more cleaning while he is at work or his willingness to help you as you do chores together. If he just constantly criticizes you, well heck, that makes us want to do less and it also makes us upset about ourselves and about how mean the partner is.

I think you two should be saying nice things about each other at this check-in. More like I appreciate that you put gas in my car when I had that cold and felt poorly. I appreciate that you cooked dinner 5 times this week, you are a good cook and put a lot of effort into pleasing me. I appreciate that you did the dishes every night this week. More loving kindness, more hugs that don't lead to sex necessarily. Constant criticism often makes women reluctant in the bedroom and then that goes down hill. Men who don't feel appreciated or valued sometimes check out of the relationship, too.

Something sounds so negative here to me so I am trying to paint a word picture for you so you can objectively think this situation out. Step out of the emotions and analyze the situation. Are the changes he wants YOU to make equal to changes he is willing to make? Are the changes he wants reasonable considering? Couples counseling may help you if you can't figure this out.

The partner that wants the other to stop drinking 6 beers a night has reasonable wants, for example. The partner that just wants to nit pick and criticize that the dishes aren't washed in some one particular way in order to gain control or manipulate the other one is not being reasonable.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like a really difficult and stressful time for you. It's understandable that you're feeling anxious and unsure of what to do. It's important to remember that communication is key in any relationship. Have you tried talking to your partner about how you feel? It might be helpful to express your concerns and fears with him and see how he responds. Maybe he can explain why he keeps bringing up breaking up and what he's feeling towards you and this new friend at work. Additionally, it's important to take care of YOURSELF during this time. It can be easy to get lost in worrying about the future and forget about your own well-being. Make sure to take time for yourself, whether that's doing something you enjoy or talking to a friend or therapist about how you're feeling.
Ultimately, it's UP TO YOU to decide what you want for your future. You deserve to be with someone who loves and supports you, and if your partner is not able to give you that, it might be time to reevaluate your relationship. Remember that you deserve happiness and to be with someone who makes you feel loved and secure.

Big hug for you sweetie.... It reads like you're still going through a rough time...

I would at the very least go to premarital counseling and be open and honest as you have been here

If he's frequently critical now it will only get worse if something isn't in place to stop it.. I am sorry to read that you're being hurt... xo

Sorry for taking so long to respond... He broke up with me with no hope or time to fix any of the problems he had with me.. i was a stay at home mom wit no income and i had to leave the home with my child... My grief is coming in waves...

Take this time to do some self examination, work on yourself, on your self esteem, consider therapy to help you. I’m sorry you are hurting but nothing you wrote about him or the relationship sounded good for you. I know it doesn’t feel that way but truly you have to put yourself and your child first. Start doing that NOW.

And please don’t wait to go through the courts for child support. Do it now.