Healthy Relationships Support Group
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I am 52 years old. I've met the most incredible 57 y o woman on OKCupid, a dating site that posts thousands of questions you can answer to see how it compares to your possible match's answers. We have so much in common it's almost scary.
I've never been married but have been in a series of relationships that crashed and burned. Most often because fundamental differences were ignored or minimized in the first blush of new love/infatuation or in a couple cases events that drove in a permanent wedge. She's been married three times.
She is insisting we hold off on sex to ensure that our feelings for each other are "real" and not the product of the natural bonding that accompanies sexual activity.
I don't know what to do. If I'm honest with her about my feelings it would come across as pressuring her to move faster than she wants to go. I've tried to be honest with her about my faults that I'm aware of but I fear if I'm too open it will scare her away.
On top of all that, I don't know what I want. I gave up long ago on finding that one special someone "forever", serial monogamy seemed to be working ok for me. She says she wants her next relationship to last the rest of her life.
The plan is to keep putting my best foot forward until she decides if she wants me or not. I'm not sure if that's the honest thing to do.
I'm lost. Advice appreciated.
I've never been married but have been in a series of relationships that crashed and burned. Most often because fundamental differences were ignored or minimized in the first blush of new love/infatuation or in a couple cases events that drove in a permanent wedge. She's been married three times.
She is insisting we hold off on sex to ensure that our feelings for each other are "real" and not the product of the natural bonding that accompanies sexual activity.
I don't know what to do. If I'm honest with her about my feelings it would come across as pressuring her to move faster than she wants to go. I've tried to be honest with her about my faults that I'm aware of but I fear if I'm too open it will scare her away.
On top of all that, I don't know what I want. I gave up long ago on finding that one special someone "forever", serial monogamy seemed to be working ok for me. She says she wants her next relationship to last the rest of her life.
The plan is to keep putting my best foot forward until she decides if she wants me or not. I'm not sure if that's the honest thing to do.
I'm lost. Advice appreciated.
I think more than her deciding she wants you, you need to decide how you really feel about her. Are you in love with her? If not, do you think you ever could be? If you do love her, what's stopping you from sharing this with her? What does your relationship look like for the long-term? Do you move in with her, she with you? The more you think about a future with her, the more plausible this future could be?
Clare - we both own houses (and we're both packrats) so there won't be any cohabitation in the near future. I know that it is not healthy for me or the relationship to obsess over her but I am convinced beyond any doubt that I share way more in common with her than with the 40 some y o women that were my last three relationships over the past 6 years. Two of those three were in love with me and I got caught up in returning their feelings even though I knew there were fundamental differences in our values and outlook on life. The third is an alcoholic who I found out was going home with pretty much anybody who asked when she went out drinking while I was working the night shift.
Discuss THOSE, repeatedly, drill them into both of your heads, before jumping into the sack. I know the hormones and phermones can get out of hand, but, ultimately, in the morning, at the breakfast table, after wild sex, you're going to have to TALK about something, and enjoy the WAY you communicate.
Work on the intellectual affinity and communication rythm. Give it about 2 months, then bring up the "I really want you. I think we've established that we've got a lot in common. I'd like to be more intimate...I've got some candles and a really good wine...how's tonight?" or something like that chat.
Or invite her to a really scary movie. Has worked for me! She grabbed onto me, and it became my task to "comfort" her...within minutes, we were making out in the movie theater. Still can't get her to go all the way...she puts a high price tag on her...you know.
She wants me as badly as I want her. Unfortunately or fortunately, as the case may be, she was called out of town on family business and won't be returning for at least a couple weeks. Her issue is that her therapist has told her if we are touching when she orgasms it will release god-awful amounts of oxytocin, the pair bonding hormone, and cause her judgment to skew in favor of making a long term commitment. I'm NOT asking her for a long term commitment, but I'm not looking for a relationship that will crash and burn in a year or two, either.
At her suggestion we had phone sex last night. I described my cunnilingus techniques for her. After she came I was just so pleased I couldn't stop smiling. It was my first time for phone sex. On the other hand I don't wish to fantasize about sex with her in any way. I've learned from experience that for me it can build up expectations that may be incorrect and I become disappointed when the fantasy does not come to pass.
Thanks again to all who have replied.