I think sometimes it's just a matter of finding people you connect with, whether it's coworkers or people you share an interest with. Dunno. I'm outgoing and what not and even I just have a couple of close friends. But that's by choice. I have a lot of casual friends. Casual friends don't require as must maintenance. Even with my close friends we don't spend a lot of time together because we are all busy, have jobs, families, responsibilities. But close, deep friendships can withstand that because of the strong foundation. I'm friends with people who are introverts so to me, I don't think being an introvert in and of itself means you're destined to a life with no friends. I think the terms introvert and extrovert are sometimes not applied accurately.

Many of my friendships are with coworkers. That can naturally happen if you spend a lot of work time together.

But yes, I think it takes being a friend to have friends.. If you're not willing to put in a little effort, then it's harder. Wish I had an easy fix but it takes a bit of time to get to know people and then develop relationships. I think it depends on what you are really looking fora as well. Is it good close friends or just people to occasionally hang out with? The latter is easier but still can be fulfilling in my opinion.

Thank you so much for this thoughtful reply. This was helpful. I think you are right about finding people I connect with---even coworkers. I do want good, close friends and they do take time and effort. One of my goals for 2022---watch for those connections, let myself enjoy them, and take some more initiative.

I have been there and I know the feeling. Just as you said, I learned that to have friends, you need to be a friend to others first. Being helpful is a good start. Help a neighbor or coworker or even a stranger. Or join a neighborhood organization or soup kitchen. It takes time but it won’t happen when you are just somewhere all by yourself most of the time. People are attracted to those who energize them, or make them feel better. For me, what got me so many good friends was joining a Bible study group. I just got curious and asked questions and wanted to find out what they believed in. As I got to know them I realized so many of them seem to have peaceful lives and less problems. I became friends with other people they knew. And they helped me so many times when I needed help. It is something you might want to consider and it might be worth a try.

Yes! Being helpful! And I agree about liking to be around people--(I'd say that have a positive outlook or have a positive energy) who energize. That's cool about your Bible Study. I have been a part of different small groups (book discussion, prayer, Bible studies) over the years. And, yes. These have definitely been sources of connection for me. I'm very active/involved in my church. Actually, I work there. HA! I have a couple of friends at church, but it's also a place for ministry with/to others, so there's a part of me that remains somewhat guarded. Anyway, thank you for your reply:)

What kinds of things do you like to "help" with?

I think setting goals for yourself to build strong connections is admirable! We hear so much about how lonely people are these days, so it's really heartwarming to see someone working toward something that can be difficult but absolutely worthwhile.

I've been working on a similar goal myself for a few years now (after moving to a new city, away from the friends and connections I had made elsewhere).

The thing I've learned is that building friendships is trial and error. I invested three years into a friendship that left me feeling exhausted and used. Letting go of that relationship felt like a loss at first ("I invested so much time! Why didn't they do the same?!"), but then I realized that's what the whole process is about - learning what I want and need in friendships. While I was investing in that relationship and a couple others that didn't work out, I was also investing in other friendships that have only grown stronger over the past three years.

I also learned that, when trying to build strong relationships as an introvert, you need to be okay with fronting a lot of the effort. In my case, I would initiate the invitation to hang out (like you, I lean introverted, so monthly hangouts with friends were fine with me!). I'd also check in every couple of weeks just to ask how they were doing. This happened for a few months straight in each of these relationships, and now my strongest friendships are with people who saw and appreciated the sustained effort, and now show the same love and care in return :) I feel valued and loved, but I wouldn't have gotten there without the hurt and frustration that came with the friendships that didn't work out.

Mostly, be a good friend to yourself - you are a good, caring person and you deserve to be surrounded by the same. Remember to have good intentions and I promise it will make the "friendship failures" easier to handle. Good luck!

Big hug Somethingnew..... I agree with what others have said as well.... I also don't think you need to like everything about someone to be friends....... You don't have to agree on everything

Just have some things in common and enjoy one another's company

I wish you well moving forward.... I have been fortunate enough to have had some friends most of my life.... I'm sure that they don't like everything about me.. but it works and for that I am grateful ....xo

Hey Somethingnew,
There are sort of ad-hoc ways such as when someone needs help move from one apartment to another or a new home. And also when we pack boxes and supplies for hurricane or tornado victims. There are also more regular commitments like I used to fetch people with no cars and take them to church then bring them home, also when I was available drive some to medical appointments. This was years ago pre-covid. I also dabbled with helping move donated furniture for previously homeless people who now have a place to stay. There are still lots of opportunities to be able to mingle casually and safely. Blessings, bro.

Thank you so much, Blackbird singing:) I'm so encouraged by such caring responses to my post. Okay---easy goal to add to my 2022 list---make comments on other people's posts! Thanks for sharing about your experience with trial and error, fronting the effort and being a friend to myself. I'm glad you've found a tribe of your own:)

And SunCloud JD--I LOVE hugs. Big hug back. And, thank you for the comment about not needing to like or agree with everything your friends do or believe. The people that I can think of that have friends in the way I'd like to seem to be very accepting.

And LoveSpringTIme, that's a lot of really important volunteer work you're doing. Hope it comes back around to you sometimes:)

I'm an introvert too, but I also like people, just not big groups or all the time. I noticed that I was able to make real connections at times when I somehow found the courage to open up and share something real. Lots of people need real connections and if you can make that leap, it might pay off in a nourishing connection. Another thing is that I was tending to evaluate the relationship moment by moment. Try to look at it as a longer term situation. If your first few conversations seem uninspiring, just having the convo is a friendship activity and it doesn't have to be amazing. Third and last, be an active listener. Really open your mind when you're listening to someone, ask questions, open-ended questions, really get interested in that person's reality. Depart from within your own skin and inhabit theirs for a little while. That is not only fascinating, but a huge gift. You will be a great friend.

Thanks so much, Candygurl! Appreciate your thoughts/insights---especially the parts about having courage to open up and share something real. And the part about not evaluating the relationship moment by moment and looking at it as a longer term situation. Both are challenging for me.

Lots of good thoughts in all that's been said above. I'd only add that social groups can certainly be good, church or otherwise, but God him/herself has often been a genuine, needed friend throughout my life, with my understanding of him/her transforming across the years. And learning to be genuinely ok when alone with myself has also been important, especially sometimes when I face those questions of friendship. I don't at all mean to downplay the reality of feeling authentically lonely at times, or the need for friends and human relations, just an added few thoughts to the conversation, however 'late' they be, precisely because I identify very much with your question, and the thoughts expressed in this entire thread, so thanks for your transparency in posting. (And I so do not like autocorrect at times, though also find it quite humorous at times as well!)

For Friendship Advice.. I will say quality over quantity. However like the other things that our fellow users mention previously simple interactions can help jumpstart it. However, I will keep in mind you do not have to be friends with everybody and that's ok! Its ok to have different interest, or you may be interested in doing something you not normally interested in. For example, Lets say you're not interested in bowling, but you want to make some more connections so you go out with Friend A, and they happen to bring a small group then next thing you know y'all kick it off then boom new friends.

I am an introvert and I have definitely had lonely periods in my life. I've also had periods of my life with close, wonderful friendships.

I have a handful of friends who I might not see or speak to in years due to distance, but when we do see each other it's like we just left off yesterday. Other friends are only for a season, as they say. Some faze out and eventually we rebuild.

You probably don't have bad social skills. However, as an introvert, we sometimes do have to push ourselves past our comfort zones to build friendships. Especially at first. Don't push yourself *too* far, you still need your recharge time. But push yourself a little.

Reach out. Send that message. Invite that cool person from the farmers market to a picnic. Call an old friend you haven't heard from in a while.

Overall, it is sometimes just about finding your people who you have a strong connection with. It can take time. But it's worth it.

Take care :)