I am so confused and I feel so taken for granted. I'm also second guessing my feelings and going through waves of anger, then anxiety, then sadness. My current boyfriend and I have been dating since November. When things started out, he wanted to be with me all time and was very invested in our relationship. Since we live down the block from each other, we spent a LOT of time together (essentially every day) for the first month. During this time, I did feel a bit overwhelmed and like I needed some alone time, but I am always reluctant to express that because I'm scared I will upset him, and feel that I should be grateful for someone wanting to be with me. I've spent the majority of quarantine alone, and I'm a 30 year old (almost 31 in a week) woman who deeply wants to find the right person and start a family. So, after going through the isolation and depression of being alone during the pandemic, particularly with no friends in my area, I really felt thankful to have found a boyfriend. Right before Christmas, we were hanging out one evening when his mood noticeably changed and he said "he should go" and "he needed space" along with mumbling something about how we've been living in a bubble of each other. I felt blindsided and also like an idiot for not having spoken up sooner about my own needs; it feels like I suffer twice by feeling the need for my own space, not speaking up, and then getting burned in the end anyway. He ended up leaving my apartment at 2 am in a snowstorm (which tells you a lot). Nothing was wrong between us at all, so this confused me and really incited anxiety for me. He went home to his parents house that weekend, and didn't really reach out or acknowledge that I felt upset over his unexpected change in demeanor. When he got back, we spoke about it and he explained he felt we were moving too fast. That's fair, but it felt difficult to accept considering he initiated wanting to see me everyday. It's like, he was part of his own reason for needing space. Things gradually went back to normal after that, but I still felt disrespected and as if he could have gone about that more thoughtfully.

In the past few weeks, I've seen a completely new side to him. He has been very tempermental, irritable, and seems overall unhappy. We both acknowledge how hard quarantine is on us, and particularly how difficult it is to build a relationship without being able to share experiences (we literally spend every night on the couch or eating dinner). That said, there have been several instances when he's flipped moods and snapped at me. One time, we were walking home from getting pizza and he was complaining about the cold. I carelessly said "alright, well we're almost there" but I guess he interpreted it as 'condescending' to him (in his words). That started an enormous argument, during which he told me to fuck off and criticized my personality, etc. In the following weeks up til now, he's also been consumed by all of the Reddit day trading nonsense, to the point where he obsesses over how much money he 'could have made' had he made one decision instead of the other. Most recently, he got involved in Gamestop and sold his stock for $8k, while his friend at one point had $80k. He was in a terrible mood the entire time, and it affected his sleep, own self care routine, and how he treated me. It took an argument and me saying "maybe we should spend the day apart" for him to apologize and acknowledge that the situation was making him irritable. Still, I listened and tried to be supportive as possible, but his thoughts were so obsessive that he spoke in loops. I felt some resentment because of how greedy he sounded; there is so much pain in the world that complaining about "only" making $8k in profits just sounds ridiculous. Once that event subsided, this past week he started to talk in circles about yet another "missed opportunity" of day trading and would Facetime me multiple times during the day just to hear himself talk about it. It was like I wasn't even present on the phone, he'd just wait for my voice to stop and start talking again about his issues. I've told him that if this day trading thing (which is a side hobby and NOT his real job) is causing him that much anxiety, he needs to address it before it interferes with his life further. He said he understood. 

On Friday, he was in a seemingly fine mood all day, and came over at night like he usually does. The mood completely shifted and felt off. He sat on my couch and wouldn't really speak to me or engage with what we are doing. I know it's irritating and tiring over time to just watch tv every night, but as we are in a pandemic, I've tried my hardest to make the best out of it. I've even suggested alternative activities such as going for a walk, playing old board games, etc. and it doesn't seem to change his mood. The plan was for him to sleep at my place, and when I began to get tired, I said alright I'm going to get ready for bed. He had been giving me the cold shoulder all night and snapping at me. He told me he was going to go home and I asked if he was ok. He said he was in a bad mood and when I asked why, proceeded to tell me he needed space and that he felt like he always gets negative vibes when he comes over. WHAT? I can't express how mind numbing that is; I've tried my hardest to engage with him, and I know I am not negative. In fact, my colleagues and friends always tell me how they think I'm positive and bubbly even in difficult situations. I feel like he was projecting his own unhappiness onto me, and like an outlet for his own unhappiness. I started crying, and after he left, I texted him that I needed space from him for the weekend and he wrote back "that's fair. I'm sorry". I responded by saying that if he keeps acting like this, he will push me away. 

Fast forward to yesterday, I hadn't seen a response from him, and as I knew he was going home and I was still upset and becoming angry, I decided to call him. I guess I felt like maybe he had the chance to think about it overnight and hadn't responded to me because he was waiting for me. He got so angry when I expressed how hurt and disrespected I felt, and that he treated me like crap and then felt it was okay to just ditch me without offering a reason. Would he wanted to be treated like that? He said no. But he still didn't acknowledge my hurt, and told me that I was being an inconvenience for calling him when he was trying to leave for his drive home. He said "you're holding me hostage on the phone and it's like you won't be satisfied until I break up with you". Obviously that's not what I want, but I did hope that he would apologize, reassure me that he would make an effort to treat me better, and that when he returned we'd start off fresh. I cried and cried and eventually ended the conversation by saying that if he continues to treat me like this, I can't be with him. 

It hurts me and makes me so angry that he feels he can just dip out on his own time and without an explanation, leave me hanging, and then decide when he wants to speak to me again and resume our relationship. Although it feels like we both needed space for the weekend, I have this overwhelming feeling that he won't reach out to me, and this will drag on. I can't be with someone who doesn't want to communicate and runs away from confronting these issues, especially after being treated like garbage. It also is so overwhelming to constantly be in contact with someone at all hours of the day, only for them to completely flip and CHOOSE to dissapear open-endedly. I don't even know how I can speak to him if this persists; the longer he continues to act like I don't exist, the angrier I become. I am so, so hurt. He did mention that he didn't like the person he was right now, but refused to offer any other explanation or reason as to why he has disrespected me and flipped moods so quickly. Every minute of this weekend has been painful and I feel like I'm preparing myself for several more days of this. I don't trust that he's thinking of me or cares about how this feels for me. Please, someone let me know I'm not crazy. It's so hard going through this alone.