July 7
Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Woke up at 5:30AM because my husband received a text message from his so. Ugh. When will I ever get a full night's sleep? It's no wonder I'm always tired! We both woke up around 9:30, he got dressed and cleaned up, I was still in bed trying to wake up. He laid down and snuggled with me and said how much this was missed. I knew he wanted sex but he never tried. Yes, he was kissing me and caressing me. He said, 'Do you want to know how much I want to take my clothes off?' I said, 'You talk too much' We've discussed this before, about his talking too much. I've told him before to just do it, stop talking! Anyway, we're at least back to normal....our normal.

You are both not nice to each other. He is trying to be romantic/sexual in the way that he knows how and you are telling him to shut up. This would Turn me off big time.
I think you both need to go to counseling and figure out how to treat each other with more respect and sensitivity.

emjay, I think "acting out" an apology is much more meaningful than saying it.
If I'm not digging to deep. Were you both married when you met?
Did you leave your spouses for each other?

Gustokitty, he had been divorced for 5 years and I going through my divorce. Neither one of us cheated on our spouses. I agree that acting out an apology is better than words. But then he's so sweet so for a few weeks and then he starts bringing up old complaints which were rectified. It seems he can't be happy unless he's miserable. I told him he has Eeyore's personality. He laughs.

Aronia, though I've never told him to 'shut up' I have said he talks too much meaning, put your actions where your mouth is ( I think that's the saying, IDK ). He knows I like spontaneity. You can't be spontaneous if you talk and plan it out.

July 8
Thursday, July 9, 2015

We had a long discussion last night about mixed messages. I've finally come to realize he can't take a hint. I came home last night after being with some friends, went to the bedroom to change into some sexy. I didn't close the bedroom door because he would have been suspicious and opened the door spoiling the surprise. He has a habit of looking for me when I'm out of sight, even when I'm in the bathroom with the door closed! Anyway, the surprise was spoiled anyway when he walked in on me getting dressed; I was trying to be as quick as possible. I was really disappointed in myself in how I went about things. I told him to go away. I know, I know not good! I sat on the couch with him, but by then the mood couldn't get started regardless of what I was wearing. Ugh. I asked if he wanted a snack while I was getting something, and he said 'yeah, you'. So I said, 'Okay'. I figured he'd get off the couch and get me.....nope. I finished making the snack and went to bed. I wanted him to make the first move, I'm tired of being the one who comes onto him. He told me doesn't remember me saying 'okay'. That put me in a tailspin. He thought I said ' that's not going to happen ' or ' yeah, right'. REALLY?! was my response. Games. Stupid games. Anyway, he came to bed a couple of hours later, and this morning it was as if nothing bad happened. Passive/aggressive relationship

We went to the mall today to get some of my jewelery fixed, then went to the cinema to see 'Max', had pictures taken in the photo booth and had lovely afternoon. My crazy life.

I am just wondering, are you taking any responsibility For any of the problems in this relationship?

Who cares if he walked in on you, any reason to be snappy? It's as if you just can't roll with it.. I would have laughed & said, well you caught me lol I am surprised after your first marriages you didn't get MC before you got married.

Read the books or get it on audiobook (I do this for my husband) but if he isn't wanting to work, it won't.

I feel there's this mixed message thing going on. I mean, it's rather incongruous to claim you like spontaneity but not be able to just go with the flow when things don't go exactly as you planned, like him coming in on you. Also, you mentioned that you are tired of always being the one to come on to him, but I thought he tried to do that and you told him he talked to much. Is it that you just want things to be done your way? I'm not trying to be a jerk by saying that. I'm just confused by what it is you really want.

Also, it's a mistake assuming anyone can take a hint. As I tell my husband all the time, " I'm not a freakin' mind reader. Use your words." If you want something, don't drop hints. Communicate exactly what you want.

You both sound like you just pick and rag on each other all the time. My husband and I have been bickering lately, something we've never really done before in the time we've been together. I think a lot of it is due to stress. We have a lot going on with jobs, our house, family, etc. I don't like the bickering at ALL and it's one of the reasons I started coming to the Healthy Relationship board, because I want to find ways we can be better. I've learned so much by reading others' points of view even if I don't necessarily agree. it's just good for me to see how people handle their experiences. I can say reading this thread, I would rather pound nails into my eyes than do this kind of dance day in and day out. It sounds very unpleasant for both of you; even the times you guys seem to be having a good day, between the line, it sounds more like, well at least it wasn't a bad day.

One of the things I've learned over the time of being with my husband is that two strong willed, stubborn, opinionated, temperamental people will eventually kill a relationship. So I have often reminded myself to pick my battles very carefully and that I don't need to be right on every issue. I want to be but I don't need to be. And I think my husband has learned that too, although I do feel I concede more often than he does, but it's usually on stuff that truly doesn't matter. Plus he has diabetes so sometimes, he's just moody or out of it when his glucose is off, and I have to take that into consideration. I mean, what's the point in arguing with a guy who doesn't know what planet he's on.

Anyway, hope you guys figure it out.

I do take responsibility for my actions. When I get snappy, I apologize and do something nice for him. I asked him yesterday if he could tell what it is about me, or what do I do that irritate the heck out of him, honestly without any reaction from me; my ears are open because I really don't want to live my 'golden years' like this. I know some will say I put him in the spot, but I told him we need to figure things out, fix things. He said hates when I nit pick, like telling him his nose hairs are sticking out, or if his ears are dirty, etc. But on the other hand he thanks me! IDK.
No, he can't read my mind, though I try to leave hints. Because he accuses me of nagging. Asking him once or twice to empty the dishwasher, or put the dirty dishes in the dishwasher, or take the trash out, or to please not come in the house with muddy shoes is not nagging. If enough time goes by and nothing is done, I do it.
Yes you have to pick your battles, but if the same battle goes on day after day and you have to pick up what's not being done, a person can get resentful. Like I mentioned before I work full time, he's home all day.
Okay, I shouldn't have snapped at him when he walked in on me, but there's a trend where every time I plan a surprise or plan anything it goes awry. I have been disappointed so many times that I usually avoid making plans. So my snapping resulted from disappointment because he likes seeing me dressed sexy.
Yes, looking back it would have been a great spontaneous moment when he walked in on me! Hindsight sucks!
We have great days for weeks and then the crap hits the fan. It's like we can't live happily unless there's some adversity every few weeks. It seem cyclical. WHY?
I'm tired.

I have to agree with rmb on her comments. And I think it sounds like you are nit picking at him. Not just dishes and muddy boots, but what route he took(who cares), the comment about wanting to see you naked, or whatever he said. That's a compliment, that's his way of telling you, you are desirable to him. If you want to surprise w a sexy outfit. shut and lock the door for Gods sakes! Really, I don't know how to make the change, but it does seem you are wrapped up in the nitty gritty details of things and find it hard to go with the flow. I think I used to be more like that, and sometimes still I am, if I plan something like a party. I want everything right and it it's place and other's just don't see the importance of my plan all the time,.
But I agree, it seems you are not always nice to each other but in the first 4 or 5 jrnls I read, it honestly seems to be you picking on him more than the other way around,. I'm not saying he's perfect on not playing his role, but if you change your tune, possibly he will change his. I, like one of the other commenters are not quite sure what you want. I thought you were much younger when i was reading the journals, like a 20'something couple starting out together, when the big fights were over how to hand the toilet paper, and how to roll or not roll the toothpaste. I think maybe it's easier back then to bend than when we get this age 50'ish, we are stuck in our ways. I don't know what to say. Because i don't want to be insulting or mean to you either. But something has to give or this relationship sounds like it's gonna get hammered into the ground.

Big hug for you emjay... It sounds to me like you are having trouble hearing each other at times

You wrote that you were angry that he left the table and left everything for you to do... You didn't say that he told you to do it.... Perhaps dishes could have been done together a couple of hours later... Maybe he wasn't in the mood then

Expecting others to do what we want, when we want it (I think) is a recipe for disaster
Perhaps a discussion when the time is right about the division of chores might work better however I'd let him get to his when he feels like it... Trying to control someone is just going to hurt both of you... Perhaps you could take a little couples counselling for a bit to help to get you both on the same page... xo

You're all right. The nit picking needs to stop. I need to voice my wishes or needs, for example helping to clear the table before leaving. Helping me shovel the walkway, instead of sitting on the couch. Because when I ask, he graciously helps. I've come to realize he does not not take a hint. He has a fine line where my requests are heard as nagging. So I've taken it upon myself to clean up after him. Yet he doesn't want me to mother him. I'm so conflicted. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Gustokitty, I hear your frustrated comments, and I would have locked the door if that were possible.

He told me today that he thinks I'm obsessed with my grown children. We talked it out and he realized his perception was off. It's very difficult to write out what goes on and what is said, but this conversation was very emotionally upsetting. He borrows trouble too often. He perceives a lot of things negatively. Just this afternoon we were on our patio and I mentioned how beautiful the day was. He said, 'yah until the bugs come out'. I kept my mouth shut.

This being said, I have acquiesced. I have thrown in the towel, I have waved the white flag. And as mentioned before things will go great because I have backed off, but let one frustration slip through my lips and he brings up my past transgressions. We fight to the point where he takes my phone away, steals my wallet for fear of cleaning our account out ( I have never alluded to do such a thing, he watches too many of those 'I almost Got Away With It' shows), and has been very physical. No punching or hitting, but 'take downs', pushing and shoving. Then a after a week of sleeping in the other bedroom, he comes to all apologetic, all sweet, flowers and all. Anger and control issues? You bet!

Thank you all for opening my eyes to make sure I put my feelings and disappointments aside.
Yes, I will discuss counseling. And this will be my last post. I will keep up with my journal because it is helpful.

Blessings on you all.

Ok, he's pushing and shoving? Ugh, this just sounds like such a bad situation. Can I ask why you are staying in the marriage?