I’m sorry. That can wear you down after a while. I think you are right; she won’t change out of the blue if this is how she has always been. But I have noticed in my own relationship over the years that by changing how I handle things with my spouse, sometimes it nudges towards small changes, nothing miraculous, but enough to move the needle. Then you kind of grow in a new direction together, hopefully.

Thankyou!

Yes, I think the only way to change the situation is to change how we react and think. Maybe start to be a little more self protective and don't ask her questions about where something is. Just find it. If you get told that asking who gave you all the gift card is bad, this makes me suspicious. Why can't she just tell you straight out? Anyway, please please look up what a narcissist and sociopath is. You are describing some hateful and demeaning behaviors in her that are also very self centered of her. This isn't fixable by you. You can't make her act nice. I have a very reactive husband who is a nice guy but who was raised by a family of blamers and sociopaths/narcissists and he takes on much of these ways or responding in communication. If I ask something like who gave us this gift card, he will often snap at me. I do not allow this, I hold his feet to the fire by saying how his response makes me feel, this is disrespect, and "I feel blank when blank happens". So we argue a lot but I won't allow verbal abuse. I call it verbal abuse to him but I try to stay calm and mild voiced. I am trying to change how I react so that I am not reacting in anger but am reacting with wisdom to his narcissistic tendencies and long ingrained family patterns of communication. They all do this response stuff in his family. I have learned to stop assuming anything so I say this to you, do not assume your wife will respond with rational, kind, responses.

I want to also say there is a difference between reacting with anger and allowing abuse. Do not allow verbal or emotional or physical abuse.

I agree, don’t tolerate abuse you don’t deserve it and don’t have to deal with it, it doesn’t matter if she is dealing with trauma or whatever it may be that doesn’t mean she gets to lash out on you, my mother does that sometimes to my father and it’s really annoying and disturbing and I try to tell her to stop and make her realize what she’s doing

Decide if there is more you like about her than you dislike. Then make a decision . Life is too short to be with someone who hurts you.

A constant state of chaos would be miserable and misery ALWAYS loves company

You could suggest therapy in order to communicate in a healthy way for both of you?

Otherwise it sounds like you're going to continue walking on eggshells all the time if something doesn't change....

This is emotional/mental abuse.....Big hug.....xo

@martyy your story sounds just like the situations a book that helped my wife and I describe. The book is "The Crazy Cycle". Just google it and check it out. Consider studying the premise for yourself and apply some of the strategies on your end.
The premise is this. That women crave love and men crave respect. The story you told sounded like your wife was pretty disrespectful to you. But for starters, try using more loving language with her and see if she softens some. Then consider sharing the book or central idea with her. As a man myself, if my wife insinuates that she trusts me to take care of something I light up like a Christmas tree. Try to imagine that she feels really similar when you speak loving words to her.
Please give it a shot & God speed.

My husband has a reactive personality and he also has type 1 diabetes so sometimes that edge he brings is due to whatever is going on with his glucose. When I know that is driving it I try to remind myself he’s not in a right state of mind. When it just seems like he’s being an a-hole, well I usually start laughing or just calmly say something like, “feel better?” Because his response is so disproportionate to whatever the issue is that I know it must be about something else going on with him- stress, fatigue, who knows. He usually dials it back when I respond that way and then remembers who he’s talking to. Sometimes once he’s in a better frame of mind I then discuss it with him. There is no point telling him how I feel in that moment when he’s defensive or in a self righteous state of mind.

It took me years to figure out how I respond is all I can control and that getting defensive puts him on the defense. If he reacted this way all the time, every time I opened my mouth, that would feel like abusive to me and I don’t think I would be able to continue in the relationship. So figure out where your line is. I think that will help inform how you move forward. You know your wife and you know yourself and you know your relationship best There is probably a lot to your relationship dynamic that has created some of this.

Quick question: Has he serial cheated on her multiple times, too many to count, promised to stop only to continue, slept in another room for 5 years, and alienated affection because he was too busy giving it to others rejecting her, destroying her self esteem and confidence of which she IS REBUILDING daily? Just asking for a friend. What amazes me is when me routinely treat their wives like utter trash shit garbage, so much so it becomes natural and normal to them the toxicity of the dysfunction in the ways in which they treat their wives. Then have the audacity to expect the wife not to give it back to him his hostile looks of grimace for no reason, his disdain for her presence, as he emails his lovers yes plural. Every man who treats his wife like shit should fully expect sarcasm in her responses, to get snapped at for the smallest things, to get eviscerated with vitriolic words at even the smallest question he asks. Men who pretend not to know that THEIR shit hole behavior for YEARS literally CREATED the CHAOS in which they currently live and can’t stand is the FUNNIEST thing I have EVER heard. Great post. I believe we should treat people the way we want to be treated. However that is extremely hard to do when someone repeatedly routinely treats you like utter shit and do not care about the fact their behavior is hurtful. So my guess is the chaos in which he is living that he dislikes he HELPED to create. But he’s probably got a good healthy dose of amnesia and puts all the blame on his wife for his current predicament.

Hey sleepless. I'm sorry you've been hurt so bad. Prayers girl.

To be honest, she's being critical of you. She either resents you, it's extremely stressed, or just plain toxic. The only way to get this to stop, to be honest with her and tell her if she continues to be that petty that you will walk. The truth of it is that if you continue on this path, she will effect your mental health. She isn't being healthy, and it's psychologically abusive. Good luck, really hope you are able to work things out with her or find a way to be happier.

@sleeplessblackbeauty all of what you said will build resentment, but if there isn't going to be changes from either partner, then neither should stay. It's pointless. He'll continue to cheat and she'll continue to be hateful and resentful. There isn't a happy ending going down that path. If he stood cheating, and she actually forgives him (which means to forget about it as well) then they could have a future. That's what my parents did after my father cheated for 9 years with her sister. He stopped and she never thought about it or brought it up again. They have been married 46 years now.
It's all about choices.
You choose the relationship or you choose to be miserable.

Oh, your mom certainly thought about it, and I bet she talked about it to your dad when you weren't around. The only way to ignore such pain is to stuff it down inside yourself and that brings about a lot of other issues. She might have forgiven him and given him a second chance but I bet she had trust issues with him for a long time. Lots of people, women especially, suck it up and shut up but I guarantee, these women do feel some kind of way about the infidelity and it ain't happy.