Well I'm in the throws of planning to tell hubby I want a divorce. I mostly post in the "breakups and divorce" group. I am 90% sure I want a divorce but I keep thinking about my vows and thinking maybe I should make sure everything that can be done to maybe save the marriage is done. But I don't know....after my last convo with hubby, he seemed pretty set on the way things are and not wanting to try counselling amongst other things. He can be an ass, he's a nicotine addict, alcoholic and verbally abusive....and as a truck driver, his hygiene is lacking.
For the first year and a half of our relationship we had great sex. The chemistry was there...he had a lot of experience and watched a lot of porn back then too. Sex was a daily thing for quite awhile, but then it became less frequent but was still a few times a week and spontaneous and exciting and amazing. Now, after being together 6.5 years, married 3.5, there is no sex, oral, intercourse, anything involving sex. NOTHING!! We barely kiss, hold hands, cuddle, do anything intimate. I feel like he is my friend, not my partner.
I know I don't make it easy for him to want to kiss me as when he comes home from being away a month the first thing I say to him is "you stink". He doesn't brush his teeth much and smokes like a chimney, that's not attractive kissing grounds.
Aside from that, we haven't had sex of any kind in 5 years. He doesn't see it as a big deal. He says what if something happened and it physically wasn't possible to have sex at all anymore? Is that a reason not to want to stay with someone? What about our vows? Sex isn't everything. Fair enough....but I find that I've fallen out of love with him and I blame part of that on our lack of physical intimacy.
At first it was that he could no longer get an erection. But I caught him watching porn with his Vaseline and towel jerking off. So while I believed it to some extent ( he's a smoker and diabetic and now 40 ) that quickly faded. I have genital warts and we did make a mistake and have unprotected sex while I had visible warts....well they went away and his didn't present until about 2 years ago but they aren't going away despite some treatment ( though it's hard for him to be diligent doing what he does for work ). He says that he doesn't want to reinfect me, which isn't possible as I already have the virus. Then he had an operation on his penis 1.5 years ago to have a benign growth removed. It was deep and made a big hole. Well it's taking a really long time to heal which the dr said it would, but he never went to his follow up appointment and won't get it checked. It hurts when he gets hard he says. I believe him, but get it looked at!
I ask him does it not bother him we don't have sex or any intimacy? He says sure, but it's not what makes a relationship. He says if I weren't so negative and was more confident maybe he would be turned on.
I don't know what the real issues are here? Is it me, is it him? Should I care if I'm thinking of leaving him anyway? Would having sex change my feelings?
So hard, sorry about the long post and thanks for listening