Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Well I'm in the throws of planning to tell hubby I want a divorce. I mostly post in the "breakups and divorce" group. I am 90% sure I want a divorce but I keep thinking about my vows and thinking maybe I should make sure everything that can be done to maybe save the marriage is done. But I don't know....after my last convo with hubby, he seemed pretty set on the way things are and not wanting to try counselling amongst other things. He can be an ass, he's a nicotine addict, alcoholic and verbally abusive....and as a truck driver, his hygiene is lacking.
For the first year and a half of our relationship we had great sex. The chemistry was there...he had a lot of experience and watched a lot of porn back then too. Sex was a daily thing for quite awhile, but then it became less frequent but was still a few times a week and spontaneous and exciting and amazing. Now, after being together 6.5 years, married 3.5, there is no sex, oral, intercourse, anything involving sex. NOTHING!! We barely kiss, hold hands, cuddle, do anything intimate. I feel like he is my friend, not my partner.
I know I don't make it easy for him to want to kiss me as when he comes home from being away a month the first thing I say to him is "you stink". He doesn't brush his teeth much and smokes like a chimney, that's not attractive kissing grounds.
Aside from that, we haven't had sex of any kind in 5 years. He doesn't see it as a big deal. He says what if something happened and it physically wasn't possible to have sex at all anymore? Is that a reason not to want to stay with someone? What about our vows? Sex isn't everything. Fair enough....but I find that I've fallen out of love with him and I blame part of that on our lack of physical intimacy.
At first it was that he could no longer get an erection. But I caught him watching porn with his Vaseline and towel jerking off. So while I believed it to some extent ( he's a smoker and diabetic and now 40 ) that quickly faded. I have genital warts and we did make a mistake and have unprotected sex while I had visible warts....well they went away and his didn't present until about 2 years ago but they aren't going away despite some treatment ( though it's hard for him to be diligent doing what he does for work ). He says that he doesn't want to reinfect me, which isn't possible as I already have the virus. Then he had an operation on his penis 1.5 years ago to have a benign growth removed. It was deep and made a big hole. Well it's taking a really long time to heal which the dr said it would, but he never went to his follow up appointment and won't get it checked. It hurts when he gets hard he says. I believe him, but get it looked at!
I ask him does it not bother him we don't have sex or any intimacy? He says sure, but it's not what makes a relationship. He says if I weren't so negative and was more confident maybe he would be turned on.
I don't know what the real issues are here? Is it me, is it him? Should I care if I'm thinking of leaving him anyway? Would having sex change my feelings?
So hard, sorry about the long post and thanks for listening
For the first year and a half of our relationship we had great sex. The chemistry was there...he had a lot of experience and watched a lot of porn back then too. Sex was a daily thing for quite awhile, but then it became less frequent but was still a few times a week and spontaneous and exciting and amazing. Now, after being together 6.5 years, married 3.5, there is no sex, oral, intercourse, anything involving sex. NOTHING!! We barely kiss, hold hands, cuddle, do anything intimate. I feel like he is my friend, not my partner.
I know I don't make it easy for him to want to kiss me as when he comes home from being away a month the first thing I say to him is "you stink". He doesn't brush his teeth much and smokes like a chimney, that's not attractive kissing grounds.
Aside from that, we haven't had sex of any kind in 5 years. He doesn't see it as a big deal. He says what if something happened and it physically wasn't possible to have sex at all anymore? Is that a reason not to want to stay with someone? What about our vows? Sex isn't everything. Fair enough....but I find that I've fallen out of love with him and I blame part of that on our lack of physical intimacy.
At first it was that he could no longer get an erection. But I caught him watching porn with his Vaseline and towel jerking off. So while I believed it to some extent ( he's a smoker and diabetic and now 40 ) that quickly faded. I have genital warts and we did make a mistake and have unprotected sex while I had visible warts....well they went away and his didn't present until about 2 years ago but they aren't going away despite some treatment ( though it's hard for him to be diligent doing what he does for work ). He says that he doesn't want to reinfect me, which isn't possible as I already have the virus. Then he had an operation on his penis 1.5 years ago to have a benign growth removed. It was deep and made a big hole. Well it's taking a really long time to heal which the dr said it would, but he never went to his follow up appointment and won't get it checked. It hurts when he gets hard he says. I believe him, but get it looked at!
I ask him does it not bother him we don't have sex or any intimacy? He says sure, but it's not what makes a relationship. He says if I weren't so negative and was more confident maybe he would be turned on.
I don't know what the real issues are here? Is it me, is it him? Should I care if I'm thinking of leaving him anyway? Would having sex change my feelings?
So hard, sorry about the long post and thanks for listening
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My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...
Instead of the first thing you say to him after a long trip that brings home the bacon being "You stink", how about saying "Let's take a nice, hot shower together..." THAT's the kind of warm welcome he needs, and I guarantee you that shower will lead to sex, IN the shower!
If he wants you to be a little softer, kinder, more attentive...ANYTHING, really. Maybe he can shove a toothbrush in his mouth a couple times a day so you don't have to kiss an ash tray. Its called common courtesy for your partner.
90%? What you just said would put it over a 100% for me. But that's just me.
At the end of the day, the only way for this relationship to climb out of this hole will be his willingness to face his addictive behaviour and for you to seek help, because his addictive behaviour has a negative impact on you. My suggestion for you would be to go into personal therapy before even beginning to consider couple therapy.
There is a possibility that your relationship will survive and become healthy, and to achieve it, it will take both of your hard work to get there.
Good luck!
This man has serious issues and he is only 40!
He needs to stop smoking and drinking and get healthy!
I've never seen anything positive about this man or the relationship. It looks like you are seeking permission of to have your opinions validated.
Is there ANYTHING you do like? Anything that makes this worth saving?
I stopped feeling emotionally in tune with him when the sex stopped. I do believe it is integral in maintaining the connectedness of our marriage as you say TTMI.
Stillbit, I think you are exactly right.....all of my posts have mentioned only negative things about him. What attracted me to him in the first place was the closeness we shared and his sense of humor. He valued family. Are those things enough to make our marriage worth saving?? I don't think so. We aren't close anymore and being funny isn't enough. I think I was looking for permission from others to have these opinions validated. But I'm the one in the relationship, no one else and that's that. I can't expect someone to tell me what to do because that's not how this works. This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make, but it's so obvious what I want to do.
Thank all for commenting
If that's the case, you guys stopped having sex 1.5 years before getting married....so... if the lack of sex started long before the marriage, how/why did you get married to start with?
I don't know why I married him, and I can't take that choice back. I thought well if I'm the problem then it's not going to change with any other guy....and I could go on and on. The only time he's made any kind of effort to initiate sex is when he's drunk. And it never happens. Its sad, and maybe he's out there cheating on me I don't know, cuz I don't know a guy who wouldn't at least let his partner try and arouse him. After being turned down time and again I totally stopped trying and it just sucks.
Yes, shanbanan, why?
Good Luck in your decision!
God Bless!