Healthy Relationships Support Group
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Well I'm in the throws of planning to tell hubby I want a divorce. I mostly post in the "breakups and divorce" group. I am 90% sure I want a divorce but I keep thinking about my vows and thinking maybe I should make sure everything that can be done to maybe save the marriage is done. But I don't know....after my last convo with hubby, he seemed pretty set on the way things are and not wanting to try counselling amongst other things. He can be an ass, he's a nicotine addict, alcoholic and verbally abusive....and as a truck driver, his hygiene is lacking.
For the first year and a half of our relationship we had great sex. The chemistry was there...he had a lot of experience and watched a lot of porn back then too. Sex was a daily thing for quite awhile, but then it became less frequent but was still a few times a week and spontaneous and exciting and amazing. Now, after being together 6.5 years, married 3.5, there is no sex, oral, intercourse, anything involving sex. NOTHING!! We barely kiss, hold hands, cuddle, do anything intimate. I feel like he is my friend, not my partner.
I know I don't make it easy for him to want to kiss me as when he comes home from being away a month the first thing I say to him is "you stink". He doesn't brush his teeth much and smokes like a chimney, that's not attractive kissing grounds.
Aside from that, we haven't had sex of any kind in 5 years. He doesn't see it as a big deal. He says what if something happened and it physically wasn't possible to have sex at all anymore? Is that a reason not to want to stay with someone? What about our vows? Sex isn't everything. Fair enough....but I find that I've fallen out of love with him and I blame part of that on our lack of physical intimacy.
At first it was that he could no longer get an erection. But I caught him watching porn with his Vaseline and towel jerking off. So while I believed it to some extent ( he's a smoker and diabetic and now 40 ) that quickly faded. I have genital warts and we did make a mistake and have unprotected sex while I had visible warts....well they went away and his didn't present until about 2 years ago but they aren't going away despite some treatment ( though it's hard for him to be diligent doing what he does for work ). He says that he doesn't want to reinfect me, which isn't possible as I already have the virus. Then he had an operation on his penis 1.5 years ago to have a benign growth removed. It was deep and made a big hole. Well it's taking a really long time to heal which the dr said it would, but he never went to his follow up appointment and won't get it checked. It hurts when he gets hard he says. I believe him, but get it looked at!
I ask him does it not bother him we don't have sex or any intimacy? He says sure, but it's not what makes a relationship. He says if I weren't so negative and was more confident maybe he would be turned on.
I don't know what the real issues are here? Is it me, is it him? Should I care if I'm thinking of leaving him anyway? Would having sex change my feelings?
So hard, sorry about the long post and thanks for listening
For the first year and a half of our relationship we had great sex. The chemistry was there...he had a lot of experience and watched a lot of porn back then too. Sex was a daily thing for quite awhile, but then it became less frequent but was still a few times a week and spontaneous and exciting and amazing. Now, after being together 6.5 years, married 3.5, there is no sex, oral, intercourse, anything involving sex. NOTHING!! We barely kiss, hold hands, cuddle, do anything intimate. I feel like he is my friend, not my partner.
I know I don't make it easy for him to want to kiss me as when he comes home from being away a month the first thing I say to him is "you stink". He doesn't brush his teeth much and smokes like a chimney, that's not attractive kissing grounds.
Aside from that, we haven't had sex of any kind in 5 years. He doesn't see it as a big deal. He says what if something happened and it physically wasn't possible to have sex at all anymore? Is that a reason not to want to stay with someone? What about our vows? Sex isn't everything. Fair enough....but I find that I've fallen out of love with him and I blame part of that on our lack of physical intimacy.
At first it was that he could no longer get an erection. But I caught him watching porn with his Vaseline and towel jerking off. So while I believed it to some extent ( he's a smoker and diabetic and now 40 ) that quickly faded. I have genital warts and we did make a mistake and have unprotected sex while I had visible warts....well they went away and his didn't present until about 2 years ago but they aren't going away despite some treatment ( though it's hard for him to be diligent doing what he does for work ). He says that he doesn't want to reinfect me, which isn't possible as I already have the virus. Then he had an operation on his penis 1.5 years ago to have a benign growth removed. It was deep and made a big hole. Well it's taking a really long time to heal which the dr said it would, but he never went to his follow up appointment and won't get it checked. It hurts when he gets hard he says. I believe him, but get it looked at!
I ask him does it not bother him we don't have sex or any intimacy? He says sure, but it's not what makes a relationship. He says if I weren't so negative and was more confident maybe he would be turned on.
I don't know what the real issues are here? Is it me, is it him? Should I care if I'm thinking of leaving him anyway? Would having sex change my feelings?
So hard, sorry about the long post and thanks for listening
I know for me in the past attracting the wrong kind of guys was only me reason : i am a huge attention whore if i let someone close enough and instead of getting to know someone better and checking them out i either rejected them completely OR allowed them to charm me and enjoy the emotional high of being the center of attention for as long as it lasted. The problem is when this high ends, then you see the real person and it is usually not pretty at this point.
The person you ve lived with for the last 5 years is who he is.
Also, alcohol can easily mask serious underlying health issues.
If he drinks, smokes and eats garbage in conjunction with diabetes he indeed could be almost impotent.
Masturbation to porn doesnt make someone an addict IMO. If someone cant get it up for sex, it is a lot less stressful to masturbate - there is no pressure to perform.
The biggest question is - do you love him?
If not, there is no point to go on. You would be better off divorced.
I think, to be honest, judging by the sounding of things, you would be better off without him. That's just my opinion.
Minding yourself is your first priority, isn't it? It sounds you've tried everything. If he is cutting you off my refusing to communicate with you on the deeper level, the relationship is pretty much dead.. It sounds to me you have your mind made up.
Best of luck to you!
Ok I'm done ranting now. You and your partner are both able-bodied and at least you feel that your sex life is lacking. Your spouse isn't responding. Actually he sounds pretty selfish generally. You say you "can't take that choice back" (meaning the marriage). Even Catholics get divorced, so I'm not sure what you mean by that. The line of thinking that this dynamic will repeat itself in any subsequent relationship and that is why you chose to stay in this one is absolutely not constructive. For one thing there's no way to know, but it's also a really defeatist line of thinking.
To be honest I wouldn't know how to approach him about this without ultimatums, and people don't react well to that. This will probably resolve itself on its own, either by you getting fed up and leaving or else deciding to live with it. So it's a choice of staying in an unhappy situation or taking a risk.
He is 47 now, still very good looking, like a magnet with women. He's one of those guys that catches your eyes as soon as he walks in the room. And still a truck driver.