Healthy Relationships Support Group
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This is more me needing to talk to someone and really having no one. I feel like if I don't talk to someone I'm going to explode!
My fiancee and I have been house hunting for months and months. His parents are well of and are helping us with the down payment. My mother was a single mother of four and she does not have the spare money.
We finally found a house, and I was soooo excited. It was perfect! But the my other half pulls me aside and tells me that his dad does not want my name on the deed.
We have been together 4 years. We have a 4 month old daughter. We have lived together for 2.5 years.
I started to cry. It hurt! So he asks me why I'm crying and I tell him it feels like I'm an outsider in his family all over again, and that his parents don't even remotely care about me like a daughter. He says 'no, it's just my dad trying to cover his ass and mine.'
So I ask him 'how is it covering yours?' And he tells me that he doesnt want me to leave him and take half of the house that I'm not paying half for! I'm on maternity leave, I do bring in some money, but not as much as he does. But when we got pregnant we discussed how our finances would have to be melded and it would have to become 'our' money. He doesn't seem to be willing to make it 'our' money. He just wants it all to be 'his'.
I closed my bank account and get all my money deposited into his on the understanding that I would be getting a bank card. That was 4 months ago. I'm still begging for a card. He tells me that he's worried I'll go blow the mortgage payment if I get a card. I have never, ever, ever, not made my bills. Sure I was broke at the end of the month, but that was because my hard earned money covered my bills and that was it.
I'm just really upset about it. We move in 3 weeks, and people keep congratulating us on 'our' house, and I just want to scream at them that it isn't 'our' house, it's 'his' house!
My fiancee and I have been house hunting for months and months. His parents are well of and are helping us with the down payment. My mother was a single mother of four and she does not have the spare money.
We finally found a house, and I was soooo excited. It was perfect! But the my other half pulls me aside and tells me that his dad does not want my name on the deed.
We have been together 4 years. We have a 4 month old daughter. We have lived together for 2.5 years.
I started to cry. It hurt! So he asks me why I'm crying and I tell him it feels like I'm an outsider in his family all over again, and that his parents don't even remotely care about me like a daughter. He says 'no, it's just my dad trying to cover his ass and mine.'
So I ask him 'how is it covering yours?' And he tells me that he doesnt want me to leave him and take half of the house that I'm not paying half for! I'm on maternity leave, I do bring in some money, but not as much as he does. But when we got pregnant we discussed how our finances would have to be melded and it would have to become 'our' money. He doesn't seem to be willing to make it 'our' money. He just wants it all to be 'his'.
I closed my bank account and get all my money deposited into his on the understanding that I would be getting a bank card. That was 4 months ago. I'm still begging for a card. He tells me that he's worried I'll go blow the mortgage payment if I get a card. I have never, ever, ever, not made my bills. Sure I was broke at the end of the month, but that was because my hard earned money covered my bills and that was it.
I'm just really upset about it. We move in 3 weeks, and people keep congratulating us on 'our' house, and I just want to scream at them that it isn't 'our' house, it's 'his' house!
If joleneLS is paying for half of the mortgage payment then she should be entitled to half of the house if they split, minus paying back the inlaws.
I would be upset too joleneLS because your inlaws are basically saying they have no faith in you two as a couple. They can protect their $20,000 investment but anything more than that is just plain cruel in my opinion.
Your logic doesn't make financial sense. I know you're upset about this, but take a step back and look at it from a financial standpoint only.
If there is a standard 30 year mortgage on the house, it will take you and your finance years upon years to match in parent's initial investment. So, for the foreseeable future...the house is indeed more theirs than yours.
Why were you so upside down on your checking account that charges and fees were piling up? (I'm not asking you to answer me publically or privately--I'm asking you to ask yourself this) Why won't your fiance put you on his account and/or let you have a bankcard? It sounds to me like you have a history of making poor financial decisions and he doesn't trust your money management and neither does his parents. They have a right to protect their investment. Who wouldn't want to?
Why the sense of entitlement? Why are you (the gf, fiancee, wife) entitled to what he makes and what he buys with the money that he's earned?
Go to school, get a better paying job and buy your own house...
When I met Joey he had had a kidney transplant four months before. He did not work. He lived in his parents basement. I paid for everything we did, as well as paid my own bills. I was never late on a payment.
When he did get a job I still made more then he did and I still paid almost all the bills.
When we moved in together we were making the same amount. His kidney started to fail and he was laid off. After a scary two months in the hospital he was sent home and given the okay to work again. In the meantime I had picked up a second job to make our bills.
He didn't go back to work for six months, I worked myself to the bone. 16 hour days, but I was still never late on the bills.
When he did go back to work I kept working two jobs so that he could take some courses that would increase his wage. So I sacrificed myself for him to make more than I did.
I finally got to quit my second job and we found out we were pregnant. I worked until a week before I had our daughter so that I could stock up our savings account. He was laid off for 3 months during my pregnancy.
I should also explain that he comes for a well off family, where as I come from a poor family. We lived in our car often but my mother did everything for us. We never went hungry and we learned what hard work was. My fiancee was fed with a silver spoon and because of it is lazy.
His parents did not like me because I did not come from money. It did not matter if I was making more than there son, I wasn't wealthy.
I understand they want to protect their investment. So I see no problem with agreeing to sign something saying that I will pay them half of the down payment if we ever have to sell for any reason.
But I am going to be going to work to pay for, in the end, more than half the bills. I only have 7 months of maternity leave left. He gets laid off often at his job and he is out of work probably about a quarter of the year.
I will work steady.
He is hesitant to put me on his account because of his parents. They don't look at my past and see that my mother was left with four children suddenly when my father died, that she was evicted a month later because she couldn't make her rent due to lost shifts, they don't look that she did everything she could for us. That she worked three jobs. They don't care that at 7 I was packing school lunches and doing major house chores. They think that the only way you do not have a lot of money is if you are wasteful with it.
They think that my fiancee should keep me on an allowance, despite the fact that in the past I have paid all the bills. Since my fiancee took over the money we are behind on every bill we have. My credit is suffering, as is his.
If you rent, take care of it, whatever, your paying someone elses mortgage...NOT YOUR OWN. When you come to own a house you will feel entitled to some of it.
For all of you who think that I should just lay back and let myself and my daughter get screwed over....maybe you should stand in my shoes, And if something goes wrong and I'm standing on the street with nothing but my kid and some clothes...are you going to put me up?
You can continue to proceed in marrying him if that is what you choose and you also have a choice in regards to paying half of the house payments but again I ask why invest in something you know you will have no access to in the future. Certainly you can stick around and hope things change and these people will change their minds about you and include you but is it worth the gamble to only have the hope of them doing that.
My whole point is would be that you just can't make people change their ways or their views and they have made it clear at least for now where they stand. Rather then dwell on the past and the things you have done why not carefully consider what you want to do in the future for yourself. Maybe that means breaking it off as by what you have written you know what it is like to work hard and make ends meet. The anger and frustration you feel now isn't going to change your current situation. I am not saying that you do not love this guy but sometimes loving someone does not always mean it is meant to be.
Anyway it doesn't sound like you would be happy in the future with this fella so the bottom line is why not start to consider making changes that you can benefit from? You can't compare your relationship with your b/f to anyone else's relationship because again that simply will not solve anything. Nobody can make or tell you what to do and none of us have to live your life. That will be up to you to decide. I just think you should really stop and consider everything before you make any more plans for the future with this guy.
I realize by what you have written in your post regarding all the things you have done for your b/f when he was down and out, but you can't live your life expecting he owes you anything back because it was your choice to put all that effort into him and the relationship. In saying that again I say maybe it is time to walk away from this focus on yourself awhile and perhaps in time you will meet someone in the future who is more suitable for you and the needs you would like to have in a relationship.
I do realize you have a child together but it is both of your responbility to provide for your little one and you certainly do not have to be married or live together to do that. Anyway I think you have been given some wise advice by quite a few people in the responses so rather then get defensive why not work more towards what will be a better outcome for your future. Best wishes to you:)
Again, go to school; get a job; and buy your own house. According to your own admission you have all the tools to do this.
Ditch him and his family.
Because I was so upset about this nothing positive came from it but he does have good traits. He is a wonderful father, he can be kind, caring, sensitive. He does work hard when he works, but sometimes getting him to the working part is difficult. I mean, come on, his mom cleaned his room for him until he was 21!
In turns out that I don't need to sign a contract, they already have some protection or other. They won't tell me what it is but I have sort of given up in that aspect. I have decided to just enjoy the house the best I can and not dwell on the fact that while he is moving from a rental to a purchased house I am just moving from a rental to a rental.
As for school....I would love to go back. But it's not realistic right now. Not only do I have no idea what I want to do with the rest of my life, but I would need to take out student loans. Loans here cover your classes and then you need to work to support yourself otherwise. So if I go to class from 8 until 2 lets say, and then work and 8 hour shift....who's going to be a mother to my daughter?
I have been looking into the possibility of night classes, just taking one here or there, and my fiancee supports me in it....but since I don't know what I want to do I'm just researching them.
Basically I think that the issue is that you're fiance's parents are snobs and that's the bottom line. You're going to have to deal with that for the rest of your life (as they're your kid's grandparent's even if things don't work between you - though I hope they do). You sound like a tough and resourceful gal so I'm sure you'll get the knack of it sooner rather than later. It also sounds like your fiance is in need of an introduction to the real world (which I am also sure wont take long) but otherwise a sweet guy when not under the umbrella of his parents. I think you need to bear in mind that their snobbish outlook will have influenced him all his life so some of it will probably have rubbed off.
The only advice I can give is to repeat the sensible advise of other people: have your own personal money (not to do with the house) in a separate account, and if you're really concerned consult a solicitor, but I know they're expensive and I'm sure that the law covers you so you and your daughter would at least have a place to call home, should things not work between the two of you.
I have the utmost sympathy, and think you really need to tell your fiance how unwelcome and uncomfortable you feel about this, but in a non accusatory way - let him know you see his point of view and that you don't want to rob his dad, but that he needs to stick up for you and his daughter as well as respecting his parents! I'd be spitting furious in your situation, especially as you're probably going to have to negotiate similar crap with them in the future, but hang in there and try to work out something that you're both happy with. x
I decided to treat my inlaws like nothing more than a number in a financial transaction and see how they like it. It is getting to the point where I want to limit contact with them as much as possible. And in alot of instances my fiancee does stand up for me when they treat me like trash. But he isn't quite there where he can tell them to bugger off and leave us well enough alone in certain parts of our lives.
Screw it! break the contracts and buy/rent whatever you and the fiance can afford. Then you can enjoy both sides of your family without all this BS.
I'm so sorry you're with this man because to me it sound like he puts his parents and family first, and he doesn't stand behind you. Why aren't you married yet? Get out while you can, honey, I'm so sorry to say this but I think this will end in a bad way if you move with him to this new house. Sorry honey.