Healthy Relationships Support Group
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This is more me needing to talk to someone and really having no one. I feel like if I don't talk to someone I'm going to explode!
My fiancee and I have been house hunting for months and months. His parents are well of and are helping us with the down payment. My mother was a single mother of four and she does not have the spare money.
We finally found a house, and I was soooo excited. It was perfect! But the my other half pulls me aside and tells me that his dad does not want my name on the deed.
We have been together 4 years. We have a 4 month old daughter. We have lived together for 2.5 years.
I started to cry. It hurt! So he asks me why I'm crying and I tell him it feels like I'm an outsider in his family all over again, and that his parents don't even remotely care about me like a daughter. He says 'no, it's just my dad trying to cover his ass and mine.'
So I ask him 'how is it covering yours?' And he tells me that he doesnt want me to leave him and take half of the house that I'm not paying half for! I'm on maternity leave, I do bring in some money, but not as much as he does. But when we got pregnant we discussed how our finances would have to be melded and it would have to become 'our' money. He doesn't seem to be willing to make it 'our' money. He just wants it all to be 'his'.
I closed my bank account and get all my money deposited into his on the understanding that I would be getting a bank card. That was 4 months ago. I'm still begging for a card. He tells me that he's worried I'll go blow the mortgage payment if I get a card. I have never, ever, ever, not made my bills. Sure I was broke at the end of the month, but that was because my hard earned money covered my bills and that was it.
I'm just really upset about it. We move in 3 weeks, and people keep congratulating us on 'our' house, and I just want to scream at them that it isn't 'our' house, it's 'his' house!
My fiancee and I have been house hunting for months and months. His parents are well of and are helping us with the down payment. My mother was a single mother of four and she does not have the spare money.
We finally found a house, and I was soooo excited. It was perfect! But the my other half pulls me aside and tells me that his dad does not want my name on the deed.
We have been together 4 years. We have a 4 month old daughter. We have lived together for 2.5 years.
I started to cry. It hurt! So he asks me why I'm crying and I tell him it feels like I'm an outsider in his family all over again, and that his parents don't even remotely care about me like a daughter. He says 'no, it's just my dad trying to cover his ass and mine.'
So I ask him 'how is it covering yours?' And he tells me that he doesnt want me to leave him and take half of the house that I'm not paying half for! I'm on maternity leave, I do bring in some money, but not as much as he does. But when we got pregnant we discussed how our finances would have to be melded and it would have to become 'our' money. He doesn't seem to be willing to make it 'our' money. He just wants it all to be 'his'.
I closed my bank account and get all my money deposited into his on the understanding that I would be getting a bank card. That was 4 months ago. I'm still begging for a card. He tells me that he's worried I'll go blow the mortgage payment if I get a card. I have never, ever, ever, not made my bills. Sure I was broke at the end of the month, but that was because my hard earned money covered my bills and that was it.
I'm just really upset about it. We move in 3 weeks, and people keep congratulating us on 'our' house, and I just want to scream at them that it isn't 'our' house, it's 'his' house!
just his name would be on the deed.
im just really bothered by it. like i said, everyone keeps giving us congrats on 'our' house and it bothers me since i feel like im going to be a guest!
I don't know if your b/f is willing to sit and talk with you and perhaps agree to put your name on the deed but if not you do have other choices you can make. First off I would advise you get your own checking account back. You need to have that independence and some control over the money as I feel it will make you feel better as a strong individual.
Since you are not included in this investment of the house and you are engaged to this fella make sure things are how you want them before you marry him. Since he and his father feel it is necessary to protect their assets and not include you in it then to me I would be concerned about protecting my own assets meaning I would draw up a contract of my own that says any debt accrued by your future husband and future father in law is their sole responsibility and you will not make or pay any payments that does not have your name on it. I would include credit cards, utility bills, mortgage payments and so on.
If they say anything at all just smile and say I am just covering my ass. You of course do not have to do this but I think I would challenge them a bit on this and see where it takes you. The other thing I would suggest is that is soon as your bf's father is paid off your name be put on that deed if you are still together. In all aspects why should you invest any of your money in this house if you do not have the opportunity to share ownership of it in the future? I know I wouldn't.
On a brighter note for now anyway if things do not work out with you and your b/f you at least will have your own money in your own account and you will not have any house payments to make. Since you have a child together it is by law that you both provide for that child so your b/f will still have responsibility to provide in that department. I hate to sound so factual in your situation but the position they want you to be in makes me think that you need to protect yourself and your future.
I really do hope that things can work out and you get to be included in this investment but if not remember you can make investments on your own such as your own business or whatever you dream about and you do not need either of these men to help you do it. I don't want to sound like I am dividing you and your b/f I just want you to feel good and strong about yourself because I believe you have the intelligence to do so. Wishing you much happier days in your future:)
With the first situation I'd say you shouldn't take it personally. If you decided to let your parents buy the house they are allowed to put stipulations on it. You could always rent for a while and buy a house of your own or buy a smaller house. Then the house would be YOUR house.
I actually think it is smart of your parents to make that request. You are not even family yet (i.e. you are a fiancee, not a wife) so you could legally turn around, take the money and run.
The important thing to remember with your BFs parents is these are financial decisions. The house isn't yours or "ours", it's theirs!
Second issue: Couples maintain their finances in all sorts of ways, you are not expected to merge your accounts. Some couples keep separate accounts or they have a shared account while maintaining separate accounts as well for personal spending money.
As for the debit card, if you truly merged the account (and not put it in his name only) you can get your own card. Call the bank and have them send you one!
I see how you are trying to sew these issues together into an awful situation but try separating the finances from your relationship with your BF. Sit down with him and discuss each situation separately and make a decision that is good for both of you in each case.
I 100% believe that separate accounts is the way to go. I make significantly more than my fiance, so I pay significantly more than she does on the community bills. However, everything is still "ours". I think there is a problem if your fiance thinks he owns more of the house because he pays more of the mortgage.
The way my fiance and I handle this is that she gives me a certain amount each month (not half) for the community bills and whatever she has left is for her personal bills or do do whatever she wants with. So, if she wants to go blow money at the mall, I don't care. It just means she is broke until her next check.
I take the money she gives me and I pay all the community bills. Any money left over for me is for my personal bills and to spend how I want. If I want to golf 5 times in a week, so be it.
Plus, it works so much better for gift giving. It seems silly to buy each other gifts out of a joint account. If I want to get her something really nice, I save up for it. That way she doesn't have to worry about how much I spent affecting what she can spend later on.
You could do the same by each contributing to a joint account with separate private accounts, but we just skip that account. We have never had one fight about money.
2. I would not want my mum to make a house only in my name. i think that's a horrible thing to do to someone who you care about. it basically says that you are so worried about saving your own ass that you don't care who you hurt.
3.he was suppossed to add me on his bank account, i had no choice but to close mine for the time being as i didn't have any money in it and the bank fees were piling up. i had to pay to close it!
maybe to some this isnt such a bad situation to be in. but for me this is a big deal. i feel like they think im untrustworthy, unimportant, and useless. the real piss off is his mom doesnt work, never has, and his dad pays all the bills, yet when they moved in together and bought a house they weren't married yet it was in both of their names.
hypocrites is what i see.
joey said its so that they arent out the money they put in. i dont understand why, if they want me to sign something so bad, they dont make up a contract stating that if we split up and the house has to be sold both joey and i have to pay them back half of what we owe them. so ten grand from him and ten grand from me. i think its bullshit that they want half of the house.
why am i even going to but all my energy, hopes and dreams into this house when they arent even going to let me own half of it.
i told joey im not signing anything. not for them to own half of the house anyways!
Get your own bank account at a bank that is not charging you. Dont pay any motgage on a house you do not have your name on.
Save any money you get for yourself.
Let's take emotions out of the equation for a moment and just think logically, pure business sense:
Since he and his parents are putting up the money for the down-payment, because you and your family don't have the money, the house is all theirs! The house should be in their names AND you shouldn't owe them, or be able to sue for...squat, if the marriage ends in divorce. THAT would be fair.
If he wants finances separate, fine--oblige him. Put your discretionary money (that you were going to pay for half the mortgage) into YOUR OWN retirement account. And maybe YOU be the one to handle baby expenses! I'm sure you guys can work out an amicable agreement.
You can see why disagreements about money end many a marriage! Money IS love, and, when you get excised from financial decisions, you feel like you're no longer a partner, on equal footing, with your mate. But you have to be practical about money too. If you're not making as much as he is, you have to be accepting and realistic about your own situation and what you can afford.
His parents are right about not wanting your name on the loan, because you can't afford to pay it, and, in your favor, would you really want to co-sign on a loan that you're not able to pay, and get stuck in foreclosure and evicted from a place that you've been paying part of a mortgage on?
His family just (rightfully) doesn't want to lose all their money. Can you blame them?
anyways, the in laws went and talked to some lawyers then informed us that they were advised to not make me sign anything, they already had protection against me. i don't know what protection, they won't tell me. but whatever.
i think im going to go through the steps to get my own bank account back and what not. i get paid from the government for my maternity leave so its a few months to get the account information switched.
and i have decided to treat his parents like they treated me. as nothing more that a number in a financial transaction. lets see how they like it.
I think you should get a bank account since after 4months of asking, you haven't got your own bank card. And 4 months is a long time to go without money.
I'm not sure what your relationship is like with his family, but it does sound like you're an outsider. That's horrible, considering you have a child with this man and you two have been cohabitating and engaged to each other.
Now I"m not sure what the law is like in Canada, but here in California, if you are married and your name is not on the deed, you are still entitled to half of that house. (Community property). And since you have a child too, under California law, you would be entitled to child support (and if you marry and divorce, spousal support/alimony is added to this all). So in essence, I understand that your future father in law is protecting his and his son's interest, but I think legally he may not have as much right as he thinks. You could always ask a lawyer for advice or research Canadian law (just for your own reference and peace of mind).
Hang in there hun. I'm sorry to hear that this is happening to you.
The in laws are contributing $20,000 and your finance is making the payments. Sorry hon, but out... Consider it a free place to live, but not your home....
ill be paying about half of the mortgage. also, who is going to be keeping the house clean? who is going to be making sure the gutters get done? the lawn gets mown? the garbage gets to the curb on time? the windows are sealed in winter?
i will be doing over half of the home care. my fiancee is a pretty lazy man. so why should i work so hard to care for a home that will not be mine at all?
and we contriuted 5000 of our own, 3000 of wich was mine.