What’s an example of a problem? I mean is the issue that the things you see as problems he doesn’t or is the issue truly him avoiding conflict? I assume

When I was young and in my first relationship, I had a hard time dealing with conflict. A lot of it stemmed from how conflict was handled with in my family. I didn’t really get a handle on that until many years later.

Is he similar in age to you?

I would recommend setting a date and time to attempt having a one on one heart to heart talk. It doesn't have to be a tense atmosphere of stay on the bridge or jumping off the bridge. Simply express how loving, wonderful and strong you feel about the relationship to start off. Ask him to give you a moment of silence and all ears and in return you will do the same. Communication is key to a successful relationship not perfect but successfull. Be open to each other's feelings and respond as though you were best friends and avoid any immature or hostile reaction towards one another. Never play the finger pointing game, it tends to just revolve over and over. Remember if you both put each other's happiness and joy before one another you will find balance and joy. Best of Luck sweetie!

Hello,

He and I are actually only 13 days apart in age. I think that he is so into the relationship succeeding that he is just completely unaware of how to realize a problem. He is not an angry person with me, or anything like that. He respects me very well and is very much a gentleman. We dont have big problems in the relationship. I guess what Im trying to say is that in the entire time we have been dating, yes there have been small problems. Every time I tell them specifically to him, he never actually realizes them as problems as he says "we will fix it, I love you". But thats all that he says or does. So I have realized that there are two things I need help with here, maybe I havent been too clear in my first post. The first is that he is just unaware completely of how to reconigze a problem, since the relationship is going well, and he stays super loving and positive. He just never analzyes the relationship. It would be nice if he could see a problem before I bring it up, he has never once brought up an issue. The second thing I need help with is when I do tell him, why doesnt he actually do anything to fix it? The way he responds is a very scared man, its like his response is to get on an emotional defense because if he doesnt he thinks I will break up with him and end the relationship. His instinct is to tell me he loves me instead of hear what I have to say. Is this normal for a guy? Has anyone else every been through a relaitonship where a guy just doesnt respond to an issue,, but is still a great guy. I think this is the only barrier in my eyes is that I just want him to realize how I feel, and everytime I tell him he doesnt. Is there something wrong IM doing? Please help, he is a great guy, we love each other, he is also introverted if that explains anything.

Again, can you give an example of a "problem"? You say you don't have big problems, so why agonize over the little problems?

Maybe he doesn't see problems, not because he is willfully ignoring or denying problems, but maybe because what he sees aren't what he would consider problems. Having a positive personality, maybe he doesn't look to borrow trouble and problems. Maybe you are over analyzing the relationship to death? Sometimes a good relationship is just that - a good relationship.

Contrary to popular belief, good relationships don't require analyzing, poking and prodding and extreme work or effort. The best relationship just "are" without constant dissection and analysis.

Little problems are still problems, and he is aware of the problems when I tell, he just refuses to act upon anything. Its nowhere near constant dissection and analysis.

Again, please give an example. Because without specifics, you are coming across a bit anal.

An example of a problem could be here telling little lies. Not major ones like cheating, but smaller ones. And its small lies that become big ones.

We are in a close but long distance relationship. We go to college less than two hours away from each other. The small lies he does is not calling when he says he will., (not talking five min late, more like several hours or not at all that day on a regular basis, and being late). Its small things that I really dont comprehend. I understand he is busy and so am I, but it seems like I put more effort into the relationship then he does.

Ok, in my book, telling little lies would be a big problem and would need to be addressed.

When there are problems in a relationship that aren't addressed, it doesn't bode well, regardless of how "good" the rest of the picture looks.

ETA: If you feel you are putting more effort into the relationship, that is not a good sign either. It is up to you to decide if this is the dynamic you are willing to accept. If it isn't, it may be time to honestly assess the future with this guy. Don't find yourself trying to force a square peg into a round hole - you just end up damaging both the peg and the hole.

Well it’s more than he doesn’t see it as an issue or like to deal with problems. It’s just kind of disrespectful to blow you off, lie about it and then dismiss your feelings by shutting you down with “I love you so much. “ Things are working for him so I’m sure he’s thinking, what’s the problem?

On the flip side you are both so freakin’ young. Why start out being bogged down in a relationship with this kind of stuff.

I was once in college, involved with a guy like yours. He would "forget" to call, or "forget" dates. I would literally sit by the phone or by the window (I was renting the third floor of a house and had to sit by the window in order to tell if he had arrived so I could run downstairs and let him in) (pre-cell phone days). He told little white lies, all the time, mostly to cover up his "forgetting". But he would say the lies and forgetting were no big deal (dismissive to me).


I thought he was just a nice guy, everyone thought so. I married him. Big mistake.


Eventually, and I mean decades later, I understood that he has an extreme aversion to confrontation of any sort (with me and anyone else - hence the lies). Multiply little lies daily, compounded by years, and you find yourself with someone you no longer trust. Distrust breeds lack of respect. Lack of respect leads to loss of love. That's my story anyway.


If you can find out about the way his family communicated when he was a kid, this might help you understand his inability to talk.


I say confront him, tell him you need for him to have meaningful conversations about things in the relationship that bother you (and vise versa), and if he can't communicate, I suggest that you look long and hard and see if you want to continue. You're being disrespected and your needs minimized. I don't think anyone should live this way.

Thank you both for your comments. Its really hard to talk about this, because yes, the relationship has problems. I know he was bossed around in his childhood, and he is more introverted than extroverted. He has though does things most guys wouldnt these days, he writes me love letters to my school post office, and sends me recorded videos of himself saying I love you if I go to bed before he does and we couldnt say goodnight because of a school/class conflict. So there is a point where he goes the extra mile consistency, but its the lies that hurt the most. He is so scared of a breakup, which I think is the reason why he tries to lie, because if I know if he lied I would leave him. This could be because of several of friends and both of our parents with failed relationships. I just wish I could get it to his sensitive head that if you make a mistake just be honest and I wont be mad if you are honest, just need you to be honest, then we would address the issue. I guess its a lack of honesty and communication here, I also dont want to blame him, maybe its my fault, I have no idea. Uggggg.hhhh... This is our third year together basically, and Im super confused :(

Did something happen recently that caused you to feel this kind of frustration? Can you share what happened?

This may be hard to explain, but I will do my best. He refuses to talk about our problems, since his response is always I love you. His response is never lets talk about it. Our problems are nothing major, no cheating ( I sure hope not), He forgets to do thinks he says he will do and its forming a habit. Such as calling me or texting me when he says he will. There is a big lack of communication between us since we are doing the long distance and both have classes to attend. He never wants to talk about the "where are we?" question and cant analyze and problems. He also cant analyze whats going good as well. I guess the main problem is his lack of commuication, white lies, and trying to hard to make it seem as if nothing is wrong. Is this normal for him to refuse to communicate, I have tried several times to get a conversation going about it, but he never seems interested.

Forgetting to call every once in a while isn't a big deal, but if it's becoming a pattern, especially one that hurts you, he should take that seriously.
As for the, "where are we?" Question, do you mean he refuses to discuss how seriously he takes the relationship? Because that is kind of a biggie. If this is going anywhere long term he will need to be able to have those kinds of talks.
Relationships take work and communication to last long term.