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Firstly, my apologies for the lengthy post, but I tried to make it as short as possible while getting the whole story across:
Hello all:
I'll try to make this as concise as possible, but it does require a bit of explaining. I live in a fairly large apartment complex, and my building lies between the maintenance office and the leasing office, so I see maintenance workers come and go quite a bit. One day a couple of years ago I noticed a new maintenance worker that I thought was cute. It was obvious that he was straight (I'm gay), but I happened to be walking toward the leasing office where he was smoking, so I had a brave moment and said hello, and asked if he had a spare cigarette, as an excuse to possibly strike up a conversation. He was receptive, and we had small talk over a cigarette. Over several months whenever I needed something done in my apartment, he would wind up being the one doing the work, so we would chat about this and that while he did his work. Because of the location of my building, I inevitably ran into him whenever I went out to check my mail or go for a walk or whatnot. Over time we developed a sort of friendship. He knew I was gay, but wasn't threatened by it.
One day we were having a smoke by the office just as he was getting off work, and he asked if I'd like to get a bite to eat. I said I was flat-out broke, but he said it was on him. We talked more. Over the next few months he would call me after work and ask if I wanted to go out for dinner. He knew that I was on disability, and that I simply don't have the money to go out to eat, but that didn't matter to him. He picked up the bill every time. Often after dinner we would go driving around town, just talking, getting to know each other. He was born and raised in town with a population of 5000, and had moved to where I live, which has a population near one million. In a nutshell, we are complete opposites. And to an outsider looking in, one would never think that we would get along. But somehow we do.
One particular thing about him that I began to notice is that he is a very angry person. He said he doesn't really have friends, mainly because he "doesn't like people", and that he feels he doesn't need friends. It's worth mentioning that I am 37 and he is 22. Though he is quite wise in some respects for his age, but he has a lot of growing up to do. This lead to some sticky situations.
It seemed to start when he once used the word epiphany when he actually meant epitome. I politely corrected him (as I would like to be corrected if I used the wrong word); this set him off, at least on the inside. I could tell he was using restraint, but he he did say in no uncertain terms, "don't correct me, I'm 22". Okay, fine. As a matter of circumstance I sold him my car, and we were talking about the DMV and tag agencies. I told him that you have to get your license and transfer the title at the tag agency, not the DMV. This really set him off. Even though he discovered that we did indeed have to go to the tag agency, he was still angry that I corrected him. I let it go, but I could tell he was hanging on to the anger, and fuming underneath.
He invited me to spend Thanksgiving with him (his wife had to work, and he didn't want to be alone). That went well; we had a good day. Then he invited me to spend Christmas with him and his wife, knowing I had no family. That didn't go quite as well. An argument over something I can't recall ensued, but I managed to smooth things over. I should also mention that between these episodes we did hang out on other occasions, with little, if any problems.
The guy is obviously very generous, and even though he himself claims to be an asshole, underneath that asshole is a very kind person with a big heart. Despite our little spats, I grew rather fond of him, but kept that to myself.
Occasionally he would run me somewhere I needed to go, since I have no transportation, and we had planned to go somewhere on a Saturday morning. He picked me up, appearing to be in a I-hate-mornings mood. Somewhere in our chit-chat I disagreed on whatever we were talking about (when I say disagree, I mean I was right, he was wrong; this was not a matter of opinion, but a matter of fact), he absolutely exploded, yelling "EVERYONE wants a fucking argument. EVERYONE wants a fucking fight". I didn't say a word, thinking it was best to keep my mouth shut, and let time pass to do some healing. Needless to say, I felt terrible that I caused such a reaction, but knowing that he doesn't like to "talk about things", I didn't say anything about it for weeks. But for all those weeks I felt terrible inside.
Since then he's had to do a couple of maintenance jobs in my apartment. He was quite curt, doing the job, and getting the hell out. I didn't say anything about that day, just a friendly hello and thank you, thinking that I should just give him time and space.
A couple of weeks pass, and we arrive at today. I needed a ride to the store, and he was the only one that would possibly be available at the time. I called and asked him if he had a few minutes during his lunch break to run me to the store. "Sure, meet me in ten minutes". Small talk on the ride there. He stayed in the car while I ran inside. As "luck" would have it, a clerk at the store was very rude to me, and I walked out of the store, cursing like a sailor, which continued as I got back into the car. He then said in a very angry tone, "maybe now you know what it's like for someone to PISS YOU OFF". I was stunned.
I immediately said that I had not said anything about our last argument because I thought it was best to give him time and space, and also knowing that he didn't like discussing these matters. At this point I was so stunned and upset I only caught one of the last things he said: "I don't need friends".
A couple of hours later I texted him saying that I was very sorry, and that if he would give me another chance I would be sure not to make the same mistakes.
So here I am now, telling you this long (sorry) story. I feel awful. But I also feel that I'm really not at fault; that he is a very, very angry person, and it's understandable why he doesn't have friends. Maybe I'm being foolish here, but I don't want to lose him as a friend. I may not be "his friend", but overall he's been a good friend to me; it just requires dealing with a lot of anger.
I don't know what to do at this point. Part of me wants to give him time and space, again, and then call him up and ask if we can talk, so I can tell him that I don't want to argue, I was simply stating facts, and that he got angry because he was wrong. The other part of me say to remain silent, and simply revert back to a maintenance worker/tenant relationship. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because of his age and naivete.
I welcome any and all input, suggestions, etc here. My primary goal is to resolve my pain and sadness over this. Second would be to salvage the "friendship". HELP.
Hello all:
I'll try to make this as concise as possible, but it does require a bit of explaining. I live in a fairly large apartment complex, and my building lies between the maintenance office and the leasing office, so I see maintenance workers come and go quite a bit. One day a couple of years ago I noticed a new maintenance worker that I thought was cute. It was obvious that he was straight (I'm gay), but I happened to be walking toward the leasing office where he was smoking, so I had a brave moment and said hello, and asked if he had a spare cigarette, as an excuse to possibly strike up a conversation. He was receptive, and we had small talk over a cigarette. Over several months whenever I needed something done in my apartment, he would wind up being the one doing the work, so we would chat about this and that while he did his work. Because of the location of my building, I inevitably ran into him whenever I went out to check my mail or go for a walk or whatnot. Over time we developed a sort of friendship. He knew I was gay, but wasn't threatened by it.
One day we were having a smoke by the office just as he was getting off work, and he asked if I'd like to get a bite to eat. I said I was flat-out broke, but he said it was on him. We talked more. Over the next few months he would call me after work and ask if I wanted to go out for dinner. He knew that I was on disability, and that I simply don't have the money to go out to eat, but that didn't matter to him. He picked up the bill every time. Often after dinner we would go driving around town, just talking, getting to know each other. He was born and raised in town with a population of 5000, and had moved to where I live, which has a population near one million. In a nutshell, we are complete opposites. And to an outsider looking in, one would never think that we would get along. But somehow we do.
One particular thing about him that I began to notice is that he is a very angry person. He said he doesn't really have friends, mainly because he "doesn't like people", and that he feels he doesn't need friends. It's worth mentioning that I am 37 and he is 22. Though he is quite wise in some respects for his age, but he has a lot of growing up to do. This lead to some sticky situations.
It seemed to start when he once used the word epiphany when he actually meant epitome. I politely corrected him (as I would like to be corrected if I used the wrong word); this set him off, at least on the inside. I could tell he was using restraint, but he he did say in no uncertain terms, "don't correct me, I'm 22". Okay, fine. As a matter of circumstance I sold him my car, and we were talking about the DMV and tag agencies. I told him that you have to get your license and transfer the title at the tag agency, not the DMV. This really set him off. Even though he discovered that we did indeed have to go to the tag agency, he was still angry that I corrected him. I let it go, but I could tell he was hanging on to the anger, and fuming underneath.
He invited me to spend Thanksgiving with him (his wife had to work, and he didn't want to be alone). That went well; we had a good day. Then he invited me to spend Christmas with him and his wife, knowing I had no family. That didn't go quite as well. An argument over something I can't recall ensued, but I managed to smooth things over. I should also mention that between these episodes we did hang out on other occasions, with little, if any problems.
The guy is obviously very generous, and even though he himself claims to be an asshole, underneath that asshole is a very kind person with a big heart. Despite our little spats, I grew rather fond of him, but kept that to myself.
Occasionally he would run me somewhere I needed to go, since I have no transportation, and we had planned to go somewhere on a Saturday morning. He picked me up, appearing to be in a I-hate-mornings mood. Somewhere in our chit-chat I disagreed on whatever we were talking about (when I say disagree, I mean I was right, he was wrong; this was not a matter of opinion, but a matter of fact), he absolutely exploded, yelling "EVERYONE wants a fucking argument. EVERYONE wants a fucking fight". I didn't say a word, thinking it was best to keep my mouth shut, and let time pass to do some healing. Needless to say, I felt terrible that I caused such a reaction, but knowing that he doesn't like to "talk about things", I didn't say anything about it for weeks. But for all those weeks I felt terrible inside.
Since then he's had to do a couple of maintenance jobs in my apartment. He was quite curt, doing the job, and getting the hell out. I didn't say anything about that day, just a friendly hello and thank you, thinking that I should just give him time and space.
A couple of weeks pass, and we arrive at today. I needed a ride to the store, and he was the only one that would possibly be available at the time. I called and asked him if he had a few minutes during his lunch break to run me to the store. "Sure, meet me in ten minutes". Small talk on the ride there. He stayed in the car while I ran inside. As "luck" would have it, a clerk at the store was very rude to me, and I walked out of the store, cursing like a sailor, which continued as I got back into the car. He then said in a very angry tone, "maybe now you know what it's like for someone to PISS YOU OFF". I was stunned.
I immediately said that I had not said anything about our last argument because I thought it was best to give him time and space, and also knowing that he didn't like discussing these matters. At this point I was so stunned and upset I only caught one of the last things he said: "I don't need friends".
A couple of hours later I texted him saying that I was very sorry, and that if he would give me another chance I would be sure not to make the same mistakes.
So here I am now, telling you this long (sorry) story. I feel awful. But I also feel that I'm really not at fault; that he is a very, very angry person, and it's understandable why he doesn't have friends. Maybe I'm being foolish here, but I don't want to lose him as a friend. I may not be "his friend", but overall he's been a good friend to me; it just requires dealing with a lot of anger.
I don't know what to do at this point. Part of me wants to give him time and space, again, and then call him up and ask if we can talk, so I can tell him that I don't want to argue, I was simply stating facts, and that he got angry because he was wrong. The other part of me say to remain silent, and simply revert back to a maintenance worker/tenant relationship. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because of his age and naivete.
I welcome any and all input, suggestions, etc here. My primary goal is to resolve my pain and sadness over this. Second would be to salvage the "friendship". HELP.
Run ... don't walk ... away from him !!!
This guy has issues you cannot deal with. I have been through it. There will never be anything you can say or do to change him or to have a normal relationship. He has a rage problem. Most men like this desperately need help, but are the last to seek it. You cannot change him or placate him, or take it. -- Man, I've been there with my ex-lover of 7 years. Nothing you can say or do will make it alright or workable. Nothing. These men have a "rage at life". The reasons are variable, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that without extensive therapy, he will be the same when he is 50 years old. These men do not change without intervention. You cannot help him. He won't help himself. Whether he is gay or not is not the issue: he is sick. And you can't cure him.
Find yourself a normal guy. Leave this young man alone. Like I said, "Run, don't walk" away from him. It should be easy to do from his standpoint because these guys don't really care about anybody but themselves in the final analysis. They live on the defense. You are living on the "fence". Get off it, and get on with your life. -- All best wishes.
You wrote: