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Firstly, my apologies for the lengthy post, but I tried to make it as short as possible while getting the whole story across:
Hello all:
I'll try to make this as concise as possible, but it does require a bit of explaining. I live in a fairly large apartment complex, and my building lies between the maintenance office and the leasing office, so I see maintenance workers come and go quite a bit. One day a couple of years ago I noticed a new maintenance worker that I thought was cute. It was obvious that he was straight (I'm gay), but I happened to be walking toward the leasing office where he was smoking, so I had a brave moment and said hello, and asked if he had a spare cigarette, as an excuse to possibly strike up a conversation. He was receptive, and we had small talk over a cigarette. Over several months whenever I needed something done in my apartment, he would wind up being the one doing the work, so we would chat about this and that while he did his work. Because of the location of my building, I inevitably ran into him whenever I went out to check my mail or go for a walk or whatnot. Over time we developed a sort of friendship. He knew I was gay, but wasn't threatened by it.
One day we were having a smoke by the office just as he was getting off work, and he asked if I'd like to get a bite to eat. I said I was flat-out broke, but he said it was on him. We talked more. Over the next few months he would call me after work and ask if I wanted to go out for dinner. He knew that I was on disability, and that I simply don't have the money to go out to eat, but that didn't matter to him. He picked up the bill every time. Often after dinner we would go driving around town, just talking, getting to know each other. He was born and raised in town with a population of 5000, and had moved to where I live, which has a population near one million. In a nutshell, we are complete opposites. And to an outsider looking in, one would never think that we would get along. But somehow we do.
One particular thing about him that I began to notice is that he is a very angry person. He said he doesn't really have friends, mainly because he "doesn't like people", and that he feels he doesn't need friends. It's worth mentioning that I am 37 and he is 22. Though he is quite wise in some respects for his age, but he has a lot of growing up to do. This lead to some sticky situations.
It seemed to start when he once used the word epiphany when he actually meant epitome. I politely corrected him (as I would like to be corrected if I used the wrong word); this set him off, at least on the inside. I could tell he was using restraint, but he he did say in no uncertain terms, "don't correct me, I'm 22". Okay, fine. As a matter of circumstance I sold him my car, and we were talking about the DMV and tag agencies. I told him that you have to get your license and transfer the title at the tag agency, not the DMV. This really set him off. Even though he discovered that we did indeed have to go to the tag agency, he was still angry that I corrected him. I let it go, but I could tell he was hanging on to the anger, and fuming underneath.
He invited me to spend Thanksgiving with him (his wife had to work, and he didn't want to be alone). That went well; we had a good day. Then he invited me to spend Christmas with him and his wife, knowing I had no family. That didn't go quite as well. An argument over something I can't recall ensued, but I managed to smooth things over. I should also mention that between these episodes we did hang out on other occasions, with little, if any problems.
The guy is obviously very generous, and even though he himself claims to be an asshole, underneath that asshole is a very kind person with a big heart. Despite our little spats, I grew rather fond of him, but kept that to myself.
Occasionally he would run me somewhere I needed to go, since I have no transportation, and we had planned to go somewhere on a Saturday morning. He picked me up, appearing to be in a I-hate-mornings mood. Somewhere in our chit-chat I disagreed on whatever we were talking about (when I say disagree, I mean I was right, he was wrong; this was not a matter of opinion, but a matter of fact), he absolutely exploded, yelling "EVERYONE wants a fucking argument. EVERYONE wants a fucking fight". I didn't say a word, thinking it was best to keep my mouth shut, and let time pass to do some healing. Needless to say, I felt terrible that I caused such a reaction, but knowing that he doesn't like to "talk about things", I didn't say anything about it for weeks. But for all those weeks I felt terrible inside.
Since then he's had to do a couple of maintenance jobs in my apartment. He was quite curt, doing the job, and getting the hell out. I didn't say anything about that day, just a friendly hello and thank you, thinking that I should just give him time and space.
A couple of weeks pass, and we arrive at today. I needed a ride to the store, and he was the only one that would possibly be available at the time. I called and asked him if he had a few minutes during his lunch break to run me to the store. "Sure, meet me in ten minutes". Small talk on the ride there. He stayed in the car while I ran inside. As "luck" would have it, a clerk at the store was very rude to me, and I walked out of the store, cursing like a sailor, which continued as I got back into the car. He then said in a very angry tone, "maybe now you know what it's like for someone to PISS YOU OFF". I was stunned.
I immediately said that I had not said anything about our last argument because I thought it was best to give him time and space, and also knowing that he didn't like discussing these matters. At this point I was so stunned and upset I only caught one of the last things he said: "I don't need friends".
A couple of hours later I texted him saying that I was very sorry, and that if he would give me another chance I would be sure not to make the same mistakes.
So here I am now, telling you this long (sorry) story. I feel awful. But I also feel that I'm really not at fault; that he is a very, very angry person, and it's understandable why he doesn't have friends. Maybe I'm being foolish here, but I don't want to lose him as a friend. I may not be "his friend", but overall he's been a good friend to me; it just requires dealing with a lot of anger.
I don't know what to do at this point. Part of me wants to give him time and space, again, and then call him up and ask if we can talk, so I can tell him that I don't want to argue, I was simply stating facts, and that he got angry because he was wrong. The other part of me say to remain silent, and simply revert back to a maintenance worker/tenant relationship. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because of his age and naivete.
I welcome any and all input, suggestions, etc here. My primary goal is to resolve my pain and sadness over this. Second would be to salvage the "friendship". HELP.
Hello all:
I'll try to make this as concise as possible, but it does require a bit of explaining. I live in a fairly large apartment complex, and my building lies between the maintenance office and the leasing office, so I see maintenance workers come and go quite a bit. One day a couple of years ago I noticed a new maintenance worker that I thought was cute. It was obvious that he was straight (I'm gay), but I happened to be walking toward the leasing office where he was smoking, so I had a brave moment and said hello, and asked if he had a spare cigarette, as an excuse to possibly strike up a conversation. He was receptive, and we had small talk over a cigarette. Over several months whenever I needed something done in my apartment, he would wind up being the one doing the work, so we would chat about this and that while he did his work. Because of the location of my building, I inevitably ran into him whenever I went out to check my mail or go for a walk or whatnot. Over time we developed a sort of friendship. He knew I was gay, but wasn't threatened by it.
One day we were having a smoke by the office just as he was getting off work, and he asked if I'd like to get a bite to eat. I said I was flat-out broke, but he said it was on him. We talked more. Over the next few months he would call me after work and ask if I wanted to go out for dinner. He knew that I was on disability, and that I simply don't have the money to go out to eat, but that didn't matter to him. He picked up the bill every time. Often after dinner we would go driving around town, just talking, getting to know each other. He was born and raised in town with a population of 5000, and had moved to where I live, which has a population near one million. In a nutshell, we are complete opposites. And to an outsider looking in, one would never think that we would get along. But somehow we do.
One particular thing about him that I began to notice is that he is a very angry person. He said he doesn't really have friends, mainly because he "doesn't like people", and that he feels he doesn't need friends. It's worth mentioning that I am 37 and he is 22. Though he is quite wise in some respects for his age, but he has a lot of growing up to do. This lead to some sticky situations.
It seemed to start when he once used the word epiphany when he actually meant epitome. I politely corrected him (as I would like to be corrected if I used the wrong word); this set him off, at least on the inside. I could tell he was using restraint, but he he did say in no uncertain terms, "don't correct me, I'm 22". Okay, fine. As a matter of circumstance I sold him my car, and we were talking about the DMV and tag agencies. I told him that you have to get your license and transfer the title at the tag agency, not the DMV. This really set him off. Even though he discovered that we did indeed have to go to the tag agency, he was still angry that I corrected him. I let it go, but I could tell he was hanging on to the anger, and fuming underneath.
He invited me to spend Thanksgiving with him (his wife had to work, and he didn't want to be alone). That went well; we had a good day. Then he invited me to spend Christmas with him and his wife, knowing I had no family. That didn't go quite as well. An argument over something I can't recall ensued, but I managed to smooth things over. I should also mention that between these episodes we did hang out on other occasions, with little, if any problems.
The guy is obviously very generous, and even though he himself claims to be an asshole, underneath that asshole is a very kind person with a big heart. Despite our little spats, I grew rather fond of him, but kept that to myself.
Occasionally he would run me somewhere I needed to go, since I have no transportation, and we had planned to go somewhere on a Saturday morning. He picked me up, appearing to be in a I-hate-mornings mood. Somewhere in our chit-chat I disagreed on whatever we were talking about (when I say disagree, I mean I was right, he was wrong; this was not a matter of opinion, but a matter of fact), he absolutely exploded, yelling "EVERYONE wants a fucking argument. EVERYONE wants a fucking fight". I didn't say a word, thinking it was best to keep my mouth shut, and let time pass to do some healing. Needless to say, I felt terrible that I caused such a reaction, but knowing that he doesn't like to "talk about things", I didn't say anything about it for weeks. But for all those weeks I felt terrible inside.
Since then he's had to do a couple of maintenance jobs in my apartment. He was quite curt, doing the job, and getting the hell out. I didn't say anything about that day, just a friendly hello and thank you, thinking that I should just give him time and space.
A couple of weeks pass, and we arrive at today. I needed a ride to the store, and he was the only one that would possibly be available at the time. I called and asked him if he had a few minutes during his lunch break to run me to the store. "Sure, meet me in ten minutes". Small talk on the ride there. He stayed in the car while I ran inside. As "luck" would have it, a clerk at the store was very rude to me, and I walked out of the store, cursing like a sailor, which continued as I got back into the car. He then said in a very angry tone, "maybe now you know what it's like for someone to PISS YOU OFF". I was stunned.
I immediately said that I had not said anything about our last argument because I thought it was best to give him time and space, and also knowing that he didn't like discussing these matters. At this point I was so stunned and upset I only caught one of the last things he said: "I don't need friends".
A couple of hours later I texted him saying that I was very sorry, and that if he would give me another chance I would be sure not to make the same mistakes.
So here I am now, telling you this long (sorry) story. I feel awful. But I also feel that I'm really not at fault; that he is a very, very angry person, and it's understandable why he doesn't have friends. Maybe I'm being foolish here, but I don't want to lose him as a friend. I may not be "his friend", but overall he's been a good friend to me; it just requires dealing with a lot of anger.
I don't know what to do at this point. Part of me wants to give him time and space, again, and then call him up and ask if we can talk, so I can tell him that I don't want to argue, I was simply stating facts, and that he got angry because he was wrong. The other part of me say to remain silent, and simply revert back to a maintenance worker/tenant relationship. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because of his age and naivete.
I welcome any and all input, suggestions, etc here. My primary goal is to resolve my pain and sadness over this. Second would be to salvage the "friendship". HELP.
The answer to your question: It's always you because YOU'RE the one that allows them to "go there".
This entire situation is dramatic and both straight/gay people alike seem to love drama. But it's not complicated whatsoever: He's married, end of story. There's no need to think about it any further. He also has a very unhealthy anger control issue and you let him get away with it time and time again. He doesn't even seem like friend material, and having sex with him should not even enter your mind. But you "wouldn't kick him out of bed?"
Unhealthy boundary issues? Sure. I definitely think that's possible. As far as your second post is concerned, I have been with straight men, and more or less they were just looking to satisfy thieir curiosity. In each case I never made a move toward them; they were always the one suggesting something. I've never been with a married man, and I don't think I would simply because that's just messing wth someone's relationship, and I couldn't handle that guilt.
I don't necessarily agree that it's always me, that I'm the one that allows them to "go there". If they're single, express interest, then really it's their thing. I simply weight the options and either have sex with them or not. BTW, it's not like this happens all the time; I'm certainly not the promiscuous type.
Yes, the entire situation is dramatic. And yes, he's married, but that shouldn't stop up from being friends and hanging out. It's not as though every time I see him it's an anger-fest. And to think about it further? Well, my mind couldn't help but go there. He's very attractive, and underneath that asshole is a very kind, funny and generous guy. But you are absolutely right about him having very unhealthy anger issues. It's not that I let him get away with it time and time again, but since the possibiliy of him getting angry about something is pretty equal across the board, it's just a risk I take. The friendship outweighs the anger problems; at least now. And not every angry outburst is directed at me. If that were the case I would stop hanging out with him.
And sure, having sex with him would really, really complicate things. And yes I "wouldn't kick him out of bed", but I didn't necessarily mean that literally. I just meant that I find him very attractive.
I don't see you as a person who would encourage deception, if anything, I see you as someone who would encourage him to do the right thing if your friend decided to explore his sexuality and let himsel be who he really is.
If anything, maybe your presences in his life would help him.
And if that was important to him, why did he marry her?
Yes be VERY careful with this whole situation.
Also, maybe his wife is o.k. with the friendship because she doesn't know your gay? Does she really know?
onetoomany: Yeah, only giving a blowjob provided he wears a condom is something that blew my mind when he told me. I'd never heard that one before and simply don't understand, other than maybe she fears he'll "pop off" in her mouth, but there is such a thing as self control, and I'm sure he has it. I guess he just can't convince her that he has it. Or something...
cheaplove: You're right. No one intends to cheat. It certainly is a process that builds. And I agree with everything you say about how to deal with things should he approach me. BTW, yes the wife knows I'm gay, but it doesn't bother her in the least.
Hellofort...: Well maybe it's best not to befriend an employee, but it's already happened. I don't apologize every time he blows up; I'm no doormat. I don't take on his issues so there's no reason to say the friendship is over, especially considering I would like to maintain the friendship.
and some people do intend to cheat. and know they intend to do it. my bf, before we got together and maybe even in the beginning of our relationship considered himself a "self proclaimed player" a "hit it and quit it " type of guy, who cheated on most of his girlfriends with one night stands here and there and had no real quams about it, till i cheated on him and he caught me. then he knew what it felt like, and he felt destroyed. wont get into my incident other than to say that it was not intended , my mother had just died, bf lived in cali, i was vaunerable and someone caught me with my gaurd down. havent cheated since, and my boyfriend despite his shady past, has never cheated on me and i have no doubt he never will.. sorry for going ot so far...
and no bjs except once in a blue moon WITH a condom.. werid.. deifintiely
But I guess gay or straight... Almost all affairs start off with one spouse complaining about the other, right?
Gives the "other person" an opening to claim they would be "ohhh so much better and nicer and fun" Yep. Definately the wrong path to be going down that's for sure.
The last blow-up toward me was in late mid-January. Since then if I haven't called him, which I don't call much to begin with; we're just not the phone-talking type of friends. So I've given him space and time. If I saw him while I was out of my apartment I'd nod hello, and if I were within a few feet of him I'd say hello and ask how he's doing, how's his wife, things like that. Then I'd just move on about my business. And I don't think he's the type that has cheating on his mind; or even in the back of his mind. He's told me that he loves his wife. BUT, she is his high school sweetheart, and he's only 22. So who knows.
Like I said, if he approached me and/or suggested something between him and I, I would handle the situation very delicately. I would let him know that I was interested, but I have a problem with betraying his wife. I don't want to be responsible for a break-up. But I would love to be with him; and I don't mean in just a lustful sex sort of way. It would be sex, but more cuddly and intimate, if that doesn't sound too cheesy.
And BTW, you're right. Her wanting him to wear a condom to give a blowjob; and that she rarely gives a blowjob in the first place is just weird. I chalk it up to her being young, and inexperienced with anyone other than him.
We're now on nodding terms when we see each other. He had to call me today and come up to the apartment (he wasn't alone) to look at my messed up washer. He didn't say much. The other maintenance guy is very friendly with my cat, and my "friend" hates him, so there was a little conversation about that, but other than that he was quiet. Had we been alone I think he would have be back to a kind, but slightly different, positive attitude. But that's just a feeling.
I do believe that he is in some sort of personal struggle as well..if it was childhood upbringing or what..or maybe he just doesn't have the courage to approach his sexuality in more depth. Most straight Men have issues with being friends with a gay Man. I am only speaking this from experience and from most of my guy friends, not stating it is the norm! I have plenty of cousins who are gay/lesbian and they don't bother me at all. I have a lesbian friend too, but I wouldn't share anything personal like you share with him. I even tell her.."treat me like a guy not a girl, lol". We laugh and continue on! I just don't want to hear it! So I am wondering if he is in some personal struggle! Just keep your distance for now until he can learn to mature more by being respectful. Or you can just tell him "You may not want friends and that is fine but I want respect and being respectful is all I ask of you".