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siouxdax
Firstly, my apologies for the lengthy post, but I tried to make it as short as possible while getting the whole story across:
Hello all:
I'll try to make this as concise as possible, but it does require a bit of explaining. I live in a fairly large apartment complex, and my building lies between the maintenance office and the leasing office, so I see maintenance workers come and go quite a bit. One day a couple of years ago I noticed a new maintenance worker that I thought was cute. It was obvious that he was straight (I'm gay), but I happened to be walking toward the leasing office where he was smoking, so I had a brave moment and said hello, and asked if he had a spare cigarette, as an excuse to possibly strike up a conversation. He was receptive, and we had small talk over a cigarette. Over several months whenever I needed something done in my apartment, he would wind up being the one doing the work, so we would chat about this and that while he did his work. Because of the location of my building, I inevitably ran into him whenever I went out to check my mail or go for a walk or whatnot. Over time we developed a sort of friendship. He knew I was gay, but wasn't threatened by it.
One day we were having a smoke by the office just as he was getting off work, and he asked if I'd like to get a bite to eat. I said I was flat-out broke, but he said it was on him. We talked more. Over the next few months he would call me after work and ask if I wanted to go out for dinner. He knew that I was on disability, and that I simply don't have the money to go out to eat, but that didn't matter to him. He picked up the bill every time. Often after dinner we would go driving around town, just talking, getting to know each other. He was born and raised in town with a population of 5000, and had moved to where I live, which has a population near one million. In a nutshell, we are complete opposites. And to an outsider looking in, one would never think that we would get along. But somehow we do.
One particular thing about him that I began to notice is that he is a very angry person. He said he doesn't really have friends, mainly because he "doesn't like people", and that he feels he doesn't need friends. It's worth mentioning that I am 37 and he is 22. Though he is quite wise in some respects for his age, but he has a lot of growing up to do. This lead to some sticky situations.
It seemed to start when he once used the word epiphany when he actually meant epitome. I politely corrected him (as I would like to be corrected if I used the wrong word); this set him off, at least on the inside. I could tell he was using restraint, but he he did say in no uncertain terms, "don't correct me, I'm 22". Okay, fine. As a matter of circumstance I sold him my car, and we were talking about the DMV and tag agencies. I told him that you have to get your license and transfer the title at the tag agency, not the DMV. This really set him off. Even though he discovered that we did indeed have to go to the tag agency, he was still angry that I corrected him. I let it go, but I could tell he was hanging on to the anger, and fuming underneath.
He invited me to spend Thanksgiving with him (his wife had to work, and he didn't want to be alone). That went well; we had a good day. Then he invited me to spend Christmas with him and his wife, knowing I had no family. That didn't go quite as well. An argument over something I can't recall ensued, but I managed to smooth things over. I should also mention that between these episodes we did hang out on other occasions, with little, if any problems.
The guy is obviously very generous, and even though he himself claims to be an asshole, underneath that asshole is a very kind person with a big heart. Despite our little spats, I grew rather fond of him, but kept that to myself.
Occasionally he would run me somewhere I needed to go, since I have no transportation, and we had planned to go somewhere on a Saturday morning. He picked me up, appearing to be in a I-hate-mornings mood. Somewhere in our chit-chat I disagreed on whatever we were talking about (when I say disagree, I mean I was right, he was wrong; this was not a matter of opinion, but a matter of fact), he absolutely exploded, yelling "EVERYONE wants a fucking argument. EVERYONE wants a fucking fight". I didn't say a word, thinking it was best to keep my mouth shut, and let time pass to do some healing. Needless to say, I felt terrible that I caused such a reaction, but knowing that he doesn't like to "talk about things", I didn't say anything about it for weeks. But for all those weeks I felt terrible inside.
Since then he's had to do a couple of maintenance jobs in my apartment. He was quite curt, doing the job, and getting the hell out. I didn't say anything about that day, just a friendly hello and thank you, thinking that I should just give him time and space.
A couple of weeks pass, and we arrive at today. I needed a ride to the store, and he was the only one that would possibly be available at the time. I called and asked him if he had a few minutes during his lunch break to run me to the store. "Sure, meet me in ten minutes". Small talk on the ride there. He stayed in the car while I ran inside. As "luck" would have it, a clerk at the store was very rude to me, and I walked out of the store, cursing like a sailor, which continued as I got back into the car. He then said in a very angry tone, "maybe now you know what it's like for someone to PISS YOU OFF". I was stunned.
I immediately said that I had not said anything about our last argument because I thought it was best to give him time and space, and also knowing that he didn't like discussing these matters. At this point I was so stunned and upset I only caught one of the last things he said: "I don't need friends".
A couple of hours later I texted him saying that I was very sorry, and that if he would give me another chance I would be sure not to make the same mistakes.
So here I am now, telling you this long (sorry) story. I feel awful. But I also feel that I'm really not at fault; that he is a very, very angry person, and it's understandable why he doesn't have friends. Maybe I'm being foolish here, but I don't want to lose him as a friend. I may not be "his friend", but overall he's been a good friend to me; it just requires dealing with a lot of anger.
I don't know what to do at this point. Part of me wants to give him time and space, again, and then call him up and ask if we can talk, so I can tell him that I don't want to argue, I was simply stating facts, and that he got angry because he was wrong. The other part of me say to remain silent, and simply revert back to a maintenance worker/tenant relationship. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because of his age and naivete.
I welcome any and all input, suggestions, etc here. My primary goal is to resolve my pain and sadness over this. Second would be to salvage the "friendship". HELP.
Hello all:
I'll try to make this as concise as possible, but it does require a bit of explaining. I live in a fairly large apartment complex, and my building lies between the maintenance office and the leasing office, so I see maintenance workers come and go quite a bit. One day a couple of years ago I noticed a new maintenance worker that I thought was cute. It was obvious that he was straight (I'm gay), but I happened to be walking toward the leasing office where he was smoking, so I had a brave moment and said hello, and asked if he had a spare cigarette, as an excuse to possibly strike up a conversation. He was receptive, and we had small talk over a cigarette. Over several months whenever I needed something done in my apartment, he would wind up being the one doing the work, so we would chat about this and that while he did his work. Because of the location of my building, I inevitably ran into him whenever I went out to check my mail or go for a walk or whatnot. Over time we developed a sort of friendship. He knew I was gay, but wasn't threatened by it.
One day we were having a smoke by the office just as he was getting off work, and he asked if I'd like to get a bite to eat. I said I was flat-out broke, but he said it was on him. We talked more. Over the next few months he would call me after work and ask if I wanted to go out for dinner. He knew that I was on disability, and that I simply don't have the money to go out to eat, but that didn't matter to him. He picked up the bill every time. Often after dinner we would go driving around town, just talking, getting to know each other. He was born and raised in town with a population of 5000, and had moved to where I live, which has a population near one million. In a nutshell, we are complete opposites. And to an outsider looking in, one would never think that we would get along. But somehow we do.
One particular thing about him that I began to notice is that he is a very angry person. He said he doesn't really have friends, mainly because he "doesn't like people", and that he feels he doesn't need friends. It's worth mentioning that I am 37 and he is 22. Though he is quite wise in some respects for his age, but he has a lot of growing up to do. This lead to some sticky situations.
It seemed to start when he once used the word epiphany when he actually meant epitome. I politely corrected him (as I would like to be corrected if I used the wrong word); this set him off, at least on the inside. I could tell he was using restraint, but he he did say in no uncertain terms, "don't correct me, I'm 22". Okay, fine. As a matter of circumstance I sold him my car, and we were talking about the DMV and tag agencies. I told him that you have to get your license and transfer the title at the tag agency, not the DMV. This really set him off. Even though he discovered that we did indeed have to go to the tag agency, he was still angry that I corrected him. I let it go, but I could tell he was hanging on to the anger, and fuming underneath.
He invited me to spend Thanksgiving with him (his wife had to work, and he didn't want to be alone). That went well; we had a good day. Then he invited me to spend Christmas with him and his wife, knowing I had no family. That didn't go quite as well. An argument over something I can't recall ensued, but I managed to smooth things over. I should also mention that between these episodes we did hang out on other occasions, with little, if any problems.
The guy is obviously very generous, and even though he himself claims to be an asshole, underneath that asshole is a very kind person with a big heart. Despite our little spats, I grew rather fond of him, but kept that to myself.
Occasionally he would run me somewhere I needed to go, since I have no transportation, and we had planned to go somewhere on a Saturday morning. He picked me up, appearing to be in a I-hate-mornings mood. Somewhere in our chit-chat I disagreed on whatever we were talking about (when I say disagree, I mean I was right, he was wrong; this was not a matter of opinion, but a matter of fact), he absolutely exploded, yelling "EVERYONE wants a fucking argument. EVERYONE wants a fucking fight". I didn't say a word, thinking it was best to keep my mouth shut, and let time pass to do some healing. Needless to say, I felt terrible that I caused such a reaction, but knowing that he doesn't like to "talk about things", I didn't say anything about it for weeks. But for all those weeks I felt terrible inside.
Since then he's had to do a couple of maintenance jobs in my apartment. He was quite curt, doing the job, and getting the hell out. I didn't say anything about that day, just a friendly hello and thank you, thinking that I should just give him time and space.
A couple of weeks pass, and we arrive at today. I needed a ride to the store, and he was the only one that would possibly be available at the time. I called and asked him if he had a few minutes during his lunch break to run me to the store. "Sure, meet me in ten minutes". Small talk on the ride there. He stayed in the car while I ran inside. As "luck" would have it, a clerk at the store was very rude to me, and I walked out of the store, cursing like a sailor, which continued as I got back into the car. He then said in a very angry tone, "maybe now you know what it's like for someone to PISS YOU OFF". I was stunned.
I immediately said that I had not said anything about our last argument because I thought it was best to give him time and space, and also knowing that he didn't like discussing these matters. At this point I was so stunned and upset I only caught one of the last things he said: "I don't need friends".
A couple of hours later I texted him saying that I was very sorry, and that if he would give me another chance I would be sure not to make the same mistakes.
So here I am now, telling you this long (sorry) story. I feel awful. But I also feel that I'm really not at fault; that he is a very, very angry person, and it's understandable why he doesn't have friends. Maybe I'm being foolish here, but I don't want to lose him as a friend. I may not be "his friend", but overall he's been a good friend to me; it just requires dealing with a lot of anger.
I don't know what to do at this point. Part of me wants to give him time and space, again, and then call him up and ask if we can talk, so I can tell him that I don't want to argue, I was simply stating facts, and that he got angry because he was wrong. The other part of me say to remain silent, and simply revert back to a maintenance worker/tenant relationship. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt because of his age and naivete.
I welcome any and all input, suggestions, etc here. My primary goal is to resolve my pain and sadness over this. Second would be to salvage the "friendship". HELP.
I could be completely off, but I think that the young man is gay and he genuinely has feelings for you.
I think he is angry because he is starting to realize this, but at this point he is married, his parents are probably homophobes and he may feel stuck.
I would let him cool off. I think he will reach out to you again. Regardless of what he says, I think he has developed a deep bond with you.
You may be the only person in the world with whom he feels comfortable. I have a feeling he has some serious personal struggles because of this realization.
MORE COMMENTS AND INPUT PLEASE! I'd like to hear a lot more opinions!
I think you should go back to worker / tenant status until such time as he can grow up and learn how to interact with other human beings. His generousity, willingness to help others and include them in family holidays, and be your friend without judging your sexuality all say tthat this guy is a good person. Worth having as a friend when he can learn to communicate more appropriately and be more receptive to constructive critism. Eventually , who knows when , it could be when hes.30 ( thats my "grown up" deadline when it comes to.men)...but untill then it is not reasonable, or fair that you should have to walk on eggshells around this guy to avoid fighting with him. I mean sure, everyone has bad days..but this guy seems like a ticking time bomb. And for some reason, he prefers to be alone.
Let him grow up a bit and if you guys are still around the same area and still in contact, let him see the mistakez he made and come to you to.renitiate the friendship.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea
I agree, he needs to make the first move. The very first would be to leave his wife. I wish I knew sooner, so I could move on with my life while I was much younger.
And I wouldn't want to be the reason a marriage ended either, nor would I want to fall in love with somebody might simply experiment with me and then break my heart by cutting me loose. These are things to think about. I realize that if he is gay than the sooner his poor wife finds out about this the better. But for your sake, it might be best if you weren't a part of this equation. Take several steps back and see what happens. If he makes a first move and you want to reciprocate that is ultimately up to you but looking at the bigger picture might be worth it in this case to protect yourself. Best of luck with this.
An update: today I went for a walk and ran into him on his way out. We stood there, had a cigarette and actually had a nice conversation. I even got him to crack a smile. Maybe things really will work out on their own, provided I don't accidentally push buttons.
If anyone else has comments or input, please do add! They are all very much appreciated!
It is very strange that you would talk to him about gay sex & if he is an angry person and was "straight" You think He would tell you to knock the hell off, right?
So who knows... Sounds like a freaky situation in any case.
How does his wife feel about you? The last thing I would want is for my husband to be driving around and paying for meals for some man who is hoping to hook up with my husband. It's clear you aren't going to show her any respect.
I guess only time will tell what is going on with this guy. I'm glad you are going to wait for him to make the first move... though talking about gay sex with him certainly seems like you are trying to see if you can lead him down that path. If you're wrong and he isn't gay.. If you push him too far you just might find yourself a victim of some sort of violent act. So Be Careful.
After reading your posts and all the replies the bottom of the line issue is this: you teach people how to treat you. He has no right -- given whatever the reason or stemming issues why he does what he does, he doesn't have the right to explode on you after every little disagreement or constructive criticism.
I do agree that he has earned his way into your heart being that he is a very giving person to you, however he does have abusive tendencies that cannot be fixed by avoidance on your part.
Go for it with trying to keep a more minimized talk to you when I talk to you type relationship with him in order to keep your sanity and bad feelings in check.
It's not your job to fix him or suggest anger management unless you're going to invest more in the relationship (which I don't you should given the reactions he's had with suggestive criticism in the past).
On the other issue concerning his possible homosexual curiosity / struggling with his own possible homosexuality etc. I think the signs do point to that being a big possibility, however again I agree with the other posts regarding the fact that if he does take things to the next level with you, it will most likely then not end badly for you. He will use you to experiment, dip his toes in the waters so to speak and retract out of fear, come back out of struggling with himself and then perhaps end things with his wife or suggest an infidelity type situation. Which will only leave you feeling completely used and hurt as he will take years and years to find what he's searching for, or feel disgusted in himself and cut all ties.
More often then not in homo-experimental relationships things don't end well for first-time situations. And you shouldn't put yourself in that situation.
Tread carefully and try not to invest too much in this friendship/relationship because of the instability in this man's life at the moment.
Good luck :)
I agree with the other posts regarding the fact that if he does take things to the next level with you, it will most likely 'not end well for you'
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I agree with the other posts regarding the fact that if he does take things to the next level with you, it will most likely 'then not end badly for you.'
To Christysays:It's not that we just talk about gay sex. We're both guys; we talk about sex. But anything I mention that is "gay' sex doesn't bother him. Well, except for one little thing, but that's for a different post. I've met his wife many times and she's an absolute sweetheart. I don't think she feels threatened or anything like that. I'm kind of one of those "straight-acting gays", so I think because of that she doesn't feel like I'm gonna try to "convert" him or something, which I never would. But between you and me, I wouldn't kick him out of bed.
To cheaplove: I think you hit the nail on the head. I accept him for who he is and refuse to simply not be his friend because of his natural behavior, unless it starts directly affecting me.
As a sidenote that may shed light on things: He IS frustrated with sex with his wife. She REFUSES to give him a blowjob unless he wears a condom, and that happens only twice a year, on average. (Sorry for using the word blowjob). I certainly think that he has thought "hey, maybe my gay friend could 'help me out', and we could just stay friends". The bad thing is, I don't know if I would turn him down, even though he has a wife. BUT I WOULD FEEL LIKE SH*T! BUT, we are talking about a hypothetical situation.
BTW, I ran into him yesterday in the parking lot. I said hello, and he sort of motioned for me to stay and talk for a few. It was his anniversary, and he seemed a little excited. It was cute. But what mattered was that he seems to be letting the past argument go, and for us to go forward. I knew he was a real sweetheart on the inside. :)
On this one I will tread lightly. I want him as a friend.