time and gas to drive her to bus= $10
Bus fare to go back home= ? (don't know where she has to go)

Not having her in your house ranting and upsetting the kids=PRICELESS!

But now I have to finish the kids' laundry! LOLOLOL!

I'm getting just a little bit of grief because Pinky did admit that she had used, so the question I'm getting is: "what difference does her getting arrested make?" Nobody's saying we did the wrong thing by asking her to leave. They just think that her admission that she used is enough.

I don't think it was. (1) Recovery programs emphasize 100% honesty, with the addict and others. By leaving out the arrest and continued using, she wasn't being honest. (2) She could be sent to jail on Wednesday, although I doubt it. So the truth would have come out one way or the other.

Her brother asked the best question: What would I have done if she had told me about the arrest on her own? I think honestly, I would have gotten mad at her and told her that I'd be watching for signs, but I suspect I would have let it go at that point. My husband agrees. He says, as I did to her, that when Loverboy was in the hospital and she wasn't sure about their relationship, she should have called her sponsor or talked to us. She knows that's what she's supposed to do, but she decided to use instead.

I talked to the kids and they actually seem to understand! I told them that we have to maintain a zero tolerance policy for her good, as well, because if we let her get away with one lie she'll keep doing it. At one point the middle child said, "Mommy called you a piece of crap and said she hates you!" Before I could even answer the 12-year-old said, "oh, she was just mad, she doesn't mean it."

That made me feel sooooo good! I hope all three are as understanding!

I have lived through a similar experience several times. You did the right thing. I could have been a little forgiving if she had confessed about using and the arrest if she had been upfront about. But lying and covering up is too much. My daughter would be clean for awhile, usually she was pregnant again and then it would all start again. The kids made excuses for mommy, she's tired, she's sleeping. But I could tell. My daughter is now clean for 4 years, 2.5 of them in prison. I don't know if I will ever relax. However, use again, she's gone. Best of luck, you are a strong woman.

I am not surprised at your news. You knew it was coming. Lie or not, arrest or not, she stared using again and did not make any effort to stop. Even if she told you everything, the fact is, she relapsed. and now, she is right back where she started over a year ago when she decided to get clean. the disease progresses even when it is not being fed. All the signs were there for this relapse before she took that first hit. Now she needs to focus on getting well again, not on getting the kids. Not even on seeing the kids until you are certain her recovery is once again in place. If you made any statements as to what would happen if she started up again, then you have to stand by it. Otherwise it will mean nothing in the future either. And remember, she brought this into your home (not necessarily the drug itself) but by it being in her person. and she brought it into the kids life again. Trust is harder to win back each time it gets broken. Stand your ground. The kids will be hurt, but not nearly as bad if something happens while she is under the influence. she has proven that drugs are still her God. She will lie, cheat, steal and harm what ever or whoever stands in the way of that. The control over this situation and how you handle it is in your hands. Recovery is in hers. I am so sorry for all of this. It must be very difficult letting go of your hopes. But remember---NO EXPECTATIONS when it comes to the addict. You are only setting yourself up for more pain. It's ground zero. Proceed with caution and give her back her responsibility. Loverboy may also be a thing of the past for her. But you suspected that also. trust your instincts and be there for the kids.

Thanks, ladies! I feel so much better about our decision now.

I took the middle girl with me to get Chinese, and I asked how she felt about her mom. She said "ehhhh," and that actually made me feel SO good, because it's the first time she hasn't pretended that everything is wonderful. Maybe she's getting ready to spill her true feelings, which I suspect she holds in too much - she's insanely bright but doesn't care about school or anything but animals. I've tried to get her to share her feelings, so her "ehhhh" is a positive sign. YAY!

And then the 12-year-old just came to me and said "I remember when Mommy had that kidney infection and the ER doctor wrote her a prescription and you left her in the ER!" (The doctor wrote a scrip for Percocets and I yelled SO loud - NOOOOO! But Pinky had grabbed the scrip and wasn't going to let go even when I threatened to leave her there, so I had to. As you said, Grandma, once you say it you have to do it.) Then, she totally surprised me by saying "One night when Loverboy was in the hospital, Mommy was crying and Pop told her that she was in danger of using, and that she needed to talk to us or her sponsor if she felt the urge." My granddaughter was telling me in her own way that she completely understood what we did and why.

I LOVE my grandkids! (The youngest, as usual, is oblivious to the whole thing because Mommy isn't a Lego City set. HAHAHAHA)

I think you're doing a wonderful job, Sara, and you are showing the kids how to set healthy boundaries with their "mother". Chances are, the examples you are setting now, will carry them through when they are adults, out from under your protection, and still having to deal with their mother's addiction issues. You are showing them now how to handle it when they're grown and on their own. I'm not sure what made me think of it in the long-term like that. I think it's because I have a girl who is 18 & has a drug addicted mother that she really struggles with. Thanks be to God, she is now away at a Christian college and living a wonderful life free of her mother's daily drama (hopefully she's not still taking phone calls from her). I've watched this young girl overcome SO many things that could EASILY have swayed her into a life of drugs and crime. God has kept His hand of protection on her & I expect exceptionally great things from her!!! At any rate, wish I could hug you right now cuz I think you're doing a fantastic job with those kids and I've watched your love for them grow and grow since I started on this board. Stay strong, and I will pray for all of you, including Pinky.

I should have said "I have a girl in our Youth group".

Sara, my daughter started doing her own laundry when she was about 11. Can you get your 12 yo to help out with the laundry? Even the younger ones can help fold and put away. Just a thought!!!

HAHAHA, GMa, that's exactly what I've been thinking. It's time for Mom-Mom to have some help. The kids have been, oh, maybe 85% good keeping their rooms clean, so now it's time to take more responsibility for the rest of the house. I'm terrified to let them vacuum, because they have all of these "vacuum busters" on the floor (Legos and little metal diary keys, etc.) But laundry should be OK.

Pinky called this morning and acted as if everything was just fine! OMG, she wanted to clear up her court dates, as if I'd been confused!!!!!! I finally told her she was lying about her black eye and she admitted she'd "gotten into a fight." Oh, it never ends. We never even got to her totalling Loverboy's car, but I'm sure she was high then as well. I basically told her she's lying, using and blowing her recovery.

Not sure whether Loverboy knows what's going on, either. Hey -- for all we know he's a drug dealer himself! Everything we know about him comes from Pinky, and he barely says much the few times he's hung around our house. Sometimes it feels as if we've fallen down the rabbit hole, huh? LOLOL

So sorry you have to work the family through this again, but I have to say you and your husband did a fantastic job once you had proof! You know, if my bio daughter would have told the judge she slipped at the time of her hearing, he would have extended the case..but she lied and told him she was clean. The addicts have to take all responsibly for their actions!

I'll be praying for you and your family.

Sara - So sorry to hear about Pinky but not surprised. I wanted to ask about her but figured you would let us know. I just want to say that for someone who really doesn't "like" kids - you are a super mom/grandmother and I think your grandchildren are very lucky to have you and your husband. I'm wondering if "loverboy" is still in the picture???

Pinky says he is, but at this point we can't trust anything she says. According to both Pinky and Loverboy, he's a total straight arrow. No drinking, no smoking - he's a "church guy" who plays music at the worship services. He comes from a totally straight arrow family as well. So I find it hard to believe he would tolerate drug use, arrests, smashed cars, etc. But maybe he's so naive he believes her lies.

Sara, next time (thought hope there w/not be a next time), call 911 and have them take her to ER. W/her history, they will do a psych eval and hopefully hold her for the 3 days. Especially when she's screaming, listen for comments re suicide. The only way they can admit her is if she is a danger to herself or others. I know this is a difficult thing to do but if she is screaming et al, I think it is best. You will also be able to let the kids know that you are getting the help she needs. That takes you out of the "bad guy" position. Sorry this has happened but as others have commented, you've been concerned for some time this would happen.

HI Sara. your story sounds so much like mine. I'm sorry she's using again. But so happy to hear that your 12 year old is supportive. Sometimes I fear that our kids will side with their mother regardless. You're doing something right, it must feel good.