Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

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mammag24
mammag24
I have a situation and I just need some advise. I have a 25 y/o daughter that I raised by myself busting my butt working 2 jobs at times to give her a good life filled with sports, vacations, nice home, clothes etc. She never worked in HS cuz she played sports and I didn't want to over extend her. She got a scholarship to college and I bought her a new car. She flunked out by the second semester and became a coke head. Became a butch lesbian and spent the next year getting high and stealing from anyone she could. come to find out she was doing this since she was 15. She had so many tickets her fines were ridiculous. I put her in rehab 2X, paid her rent, paid her fines and always bailed her out of trouble. She has probably worked 6 months in her life. Well 2 yrs ago she got pregnant. She swore things were going to change, she was going to work and be a good mom and all. I let her move in with me and things were fine, she didn't work but had the baby. Now the baby is 18 months old, she still has no job, lives in my house with her "girlfriend" in my house, doesn't pay a dime. I work out of town so I have an apt during the week. But now I hear from her friends that she hates me coming to my house on weekends. Even though all I do is clean and babysit. I bought her a car, paid over $5000 in fines to get her license restored so she could get a job. Still nothing. So now on FB I see she has new girlfriend she met online and has pix w/ her and the baby. I got pissed because you shouldn't bring strangers from the internet around your baby, not to mention your other useless girlfriend is living at my house- that I am not welcome at. I can't take it anymore. I am so tired of her being basically a useless lying moocher who is bankrupting me. I don't have a social life because I can't afford to do anything paying for 2 houses and I just want it over. I told her she has to go, it got ugly and nasty but I just want her gone. The problem is my grand daughter. I adore her and know she is just a meal ticket and chick magnet for my daughter but I have no grounds for custody. I don't know what to do.
GMaWilli
GMaWilli
It's really sad when parents allow adult bios to move into their home to help them out & they end up using & abusing the generosity. I think some of us have found ourselves in this situation because we don't think like they do, & in the beginning we assume that they will appreciate the help & behave the way WE would if someone gave us the same help. We are naive' & think they will do their share & really make good use of the opportunity, because that is what WE would do. Then reality rares its ugly head & bites us on the backside.
GMaWilli
GMaWilli
Or is it REARS its ugly head.........LOL, either way, its UGLY!!!!!
mammag24
mammag24
I don't know what it is about this generation of children. They all seem entitled to something. I never treated my parents like this, I have been on my own since 18 (and so have my 5 brothers) and we grew up with nothing.
My daughter had 50x the advantages I didn't and she's useless. I don't understand the lack of work ethic, moral ethics and values.
SaraBT
SaraBT
I think it's a combination of things, but I think our kids have been brainwashed to believe that everything they do is wonderful (trophies for the losers), and that they'll get freebies no matter what they do or don't do. They really do feel "entitled" to everything because they've been told that self-esteem IS everything.
Pinky's ex-boyfriend made many false accusations against us, and the investigator questioned the kids and us on each one.
One of the accusations was true: "We're strict and -- ready for this example of abuse? -- we make the kids do chores."
The social worker actually took that accusation seriously and questioned us about it.
Since when was getting kids to make their beds, empty the dishwasher and do their own laundry (at 14) abuse?
Just one example of why this generation is so screwed up, IMHO.
mammag24
mammag24
Thats so ridiculous. I did alot of chores when I was younger. My mother, God love her is so funny. She says the problem with kids today is that you can't take a wooden spoon to them. I think she's right. My mom just waved that spoon and I acted right.
daisydduck
daisydduck
Grandparents cannot raise their grandchildren the way they were raised or they raised their children, the bio parents. First of all, the majority of the grandchildren we take in have been abused and/or neglected by their parents. Their development was interupted by their parents mistakes. Do you really think that a spanking will make them respect you when they may have been beaten by their parents or sexually molested by mom's bf? It is not easy to raise these grandchildren and we need to create new parenting rules.These children have more emotional baggage than we do as adults! Re the bios, they are now adults and should be held responsible for their actions.
mammag24
mammag24
Well if I ever do get my gd from her mom, I will not make the same mistakes I did with my daughter. She will have a job at 16 and she will have to accept responsibility for all her actions. I didn't do that with my daughter. I covered for her so many times to avoid her getting in trouble (because I knew that would cost me more $$ for lawyers), I paid her DMV tickets and fines, etc.. I wont do that again thats for sure. I never raised my hand to her, although there were times I wanted to (but they were when she was between 19-present).
daisydduck
daisydduck
Mamma, I think we all make mistakes. There is no perfect parent or child. Most of us teach the little ones basic skills but our mistakes are picking up after them when they are old enough to take responsibility. We just want so much for them to succeed! Giving them the message that we will always love them is necessary but they must know we will not accept wrong behavior. Your dd must have learned something from your parenting because you state your gd is sweet, loving and cared for.
mammag24
mammag24
Well, I went there this weekend. I haven't really talked to my daughter but told her I was coming and we needed to have the talk, set the rules and such. She also knew the weekend was pressure washing the house weekend. When I got there Friday she was out, so I went to meet some friends for dinner since she said she would be gone till 10. Got home, all in bed. Got up saturday and they were sleeping so I went to Lowes to get the stuff for the house. When I got back- she was gone w/ baby. Left me a note saying they were going to Charlotte to the lake and would be back later. So I pressure washed the house by myself. Then finished the laundry piled up, cleaned the house, burned the brush among other chores. I feel like hired help. She finally came home at 9 pm and I was tired and didn't feel like arguing. I got up Sunday- grabbed the baby before she had time to run off w/ her so I could see her and took her to breakfast and the park before I had to drive back to my apartment for 2 hours. When I brought the baby back, I asked her when we were gonna talk. She said that there was nothing to talk about. The live in gf was moving out next weekend and she will date who she wants. She finally went and got on the work first program so the baby is starting daycare this week and she goes for job training so I should "be happy" then said If I didn't like it than she will find her own place. (no job- $262 a month welfare-good luck) I asked her why she didn't help and took off all weekend and I didn't even get to see the baby and she said "I had already made plans and not seeing the baby- you better get used to that if you make me move." I started to get really p'd off, and I just told her "I have to come and clean this house, do your laundry and take care of everyting because you are too damn lazy, your the one who wont see Ryann." So I left and drove home. I was so upset. This morning I get a text and she said she was sorry and would try to do better. OMG - so confused, tired and aggrivated.
nutsandbolts
nutsandbolts
She's playing you. Nothing is going to change unless you make the changes. Why did you go to the house and clean after her and do her laundry? If you went to talk and pressure wash the house, you got both take care of.
I'm not trying to be insensitive here, you need to look at your life with DD and GD as an outsider.
mammag24
mammag24
I know. But I am OCD and cannot stand having dirty laundry and floors and bathrooms. It is still my house and I don't want it distroyed. If I didn't clean it, it would be filthy. We (I) still have so much to work on- I know.
But the brighter news (I hope) is I just got a call for a job interview with my agency at the facility closer to the house. If I get this job, I am moving back into my house (and not paying for 2 houses) and taking it back.
fortress
fortress
I agree with nuts and bolts. I really hope you get the position you're interviewing for ! That would be super in so many ways.
nutsandbolts
nutsandbolts
Mammag24. I hope you get closer to your house. But if you don't control your OCD urge, when you get there, you'll be working, cleaning and raising GD.

If until now you go there, sit on your hands so you do not clean up after her. Go visit friends you haven't seen in awhile due to your job and don't come back till bedtime. Next up if you get the job and can move back in.... Don't clean up after her and GD. Have their dirty laundry in DD room with door closed. As for picking up after her, make a tape recording of you saying, please pick up and push the play button.... Your voice will appriciate it later!
mammag24
mammag24
I know what your saying but I don't want my house destroyed- at some point I have to move back there. If I let the shower/toilets go unwashed they get stained, then they have to be replaced. Same with carpet and floors. I am not just housekeeping, I am trying to maintain the home so more damage wont cause more repairs/replacements. Plus, its more important for me that my gd have a clean environment to live in.

When I lived in the house with my DD prior to taking this job in Asheville, we actually got along better and she did help out around the house. I am actually hoping that I get this job closer to home so I can move back not only because I will save $$ but I hope that this fighting with her will end. She doesn't act like an irresponsible nut case when I am there. It is like I can't trust her to make decisions on her own.

The good news is that she finished her first day at "work first" and she said she liked it. She is going into training for pet grooming, which I think will be good for her. The gd had her first day at daycare and was fine at drop off yesterday. Today she caught on to being dropped off and screamed the whole time (break my heart). I hope she gets used to it and other kids. Right now I am just praying every day for God to guide me to do the right things to save my daughter and gd and myself from being at war and to find a way to live in peace as a family.