Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

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mammag24
mammag24
I have a situation and I just need some advise. I have a 25 y/o daughter that I raised by myself busting my butt working 2 jobs at times to give her a good life filled with sports, vacations, nice home, clothes etc. She never worked in HS cuz she played sports and I didn't want to over extend her. She got a scholarship to college and I bought her a new car. She flunked out by the second semester and became a coke head. Became a butch lesbian and spent the next year getting high and stealing from anyone she could. come to find out she was doing this since she was 15. She had so many tickets her fines were ridiculous. I put her in rehab 2X, paid her rent, paid her fines and always bailed her out of trouble. She has probably worked 6 months in her life. Well 2 yrs ago she got pregnant. She swore things were going to change, she was going to work and be a good mom and all. I let her move in with me and things were fine, she didn't work but had the baby. Now the baby is 18 months old, she still has no job, lives in my house with her "girlfriend" in my house, doesn't pay a dime. I work out of town so I have an apt during the week. But now I hear from her friends that she hates me coming to my house on weekends. Even though all I do is clean and babysit. I bought her a car, paid over $5000 in fines to get her license restored so she could get a job. Still nothing. So now on FB I see she has new girlfriend she met online and has pix w/ her and the baby. I got pissed because you shouldn't bring strangers from the internet around your baby, not to mention your other useless girlfriend is living at my house- that I am not welcome at. I can't take it anymore. I am so tired of her being basically a useless lying moocher who is bankrupting me. I don't have a social life because I can't afford to do anything paying for 2 houses and I just want it over. I told her she has to go, it got ugly and nasty but I just want her gone. The problem is my grand daughter. I adore her and know she is just a meal ticket and chick magnet for my daughter but I have no grounds for custody. I don't know what to do.
mammag24
mammag24
Thank you all. You are right, I am looking for validation and I believe I have it. I am going to keep my house (there is no equity and I have tried to sell it before), but she will have to find someplace else to live. Thank you all for your advise and support.
GMaWilli
GMaWilli
I definitely wasn't suggesting you have any problem with her sexuality, I only said what I did because I've heard of other grandparents who were accused of calling social services because they had a personal grudge, which wasn't true, but the bio parent convinced the social worker it was.........example, saying to a social worker, "my parents just don't like my bf or gf so they're making this up." That's why you will see many times over throughout these posts to just state facts about your concern for the baby's welfare. Wanted to clear that up. I don't want you to feel like I'm scrutinizing her sexual orientation here.
mammag24
mammag24
No problem. I appreciate ALL advice I can get. Thanks so much.
fortress
fortress
Just wondering........... does your dgt have any mental health issues or dx of such ? Borderline Personality disorder ? ADD ? Addictions ? I can very much relate to an adult child that feels they don't need to be responsible for ANYTHING and make very poor, impulsive decisions that can lead to all kinds of chaos. Also understand about gc being exposed to total strangers - who often are strange indeed. ( AND my bio is transgender and bisexual so I'm sure not making a comment on being gay ) I find that very frightening , as who knows what could happen or what these strangers are really like. I'm no longer worried for bio - I'm way past that, but It's one thing for your adult child to place themself in potential harm and quite another thing for them to place their baby child at possible risk. If the picture is your gd, I must say, she looks adorable.
mammag24
mammag24
Yes, that is my little princess. My daughter wont go to counsleing or anything like that. She says she has anxiety which is why she smokes pot. Other than that, I think she is a compulsive liar. She has been in rehab the first time for cocaine and the second time for herione. I have told her 100 times that she doesn't need to smoke pot and she doesn't see the harm. I told her thats like telling an alcoholic they can only drink beer. She shouldn't have anything. All my friends and family think I should take her to court but I don't see where I have grounds. The courts always go for the mother.
mammag24
mammag24
and I do love my daughter and think deep down she is a good person who just continually makes bad choices. I feel if I were to actually take the baby, she would commit suicide. She has tried that before (pre-baby) and threatens she will do it again.
SaraBT
SaraBT
Mamma, the sad thing is that any of these bios could commit suicide. With their lifestyles they could also OD, be murdered, or just drop dead from abusing their bodies. This could happen with or without any action on our parts. If they are using drugs or alcohol, they have a terminal condition and there is nothing we can do about it except to do what's right for the truly innocent.

All I can tell you is what I would do if she were my daughter and it would be to toss her out with her girlfriend and her baby. If there is ONE thing that could help me sleep at night is the fact that she goes with women, rather than men. That might, could, maybe prove a bit safer for a young child.

If there's one other things these bios have in common, it's the fact that they're survivors. Sometimes I have to admire them, because I doubt that I could keep on going, living the way they do!
scgramma
scgramma
As a heads up, if something happens, and dss steps in, they may not look kindly on the fact she lives in your house while using drugs around the baby. I am glad you have gotten an eviction. To remedy that side of the issue. Otherwise dss might decide against allowing you to gain custody in the event she loses it. When I talked to dss about my infant gd in 2009, I was told if she lived in my house I was also a caregiver and required to protect her! This in spite of me calling and telling them I needed help to protect her....
mammag24
mammag24
Wow, I didn't know that. She does live in my house, but I am not there much expect on weekends so I really don't know all that goes on, unless my neighbor sees something and she calls me. Thats how I found out the gf moved in. My daughter didn't even ask me.
She said to me the other thay that she should have just succeeded at killing herself the last time. I told her not to guilt me because she is too selfish to kill herself. What made me sad was that the thought of it she did, I would partly be relieved and I feel horrible about that. I wish I had a magic want and just one wish that would be for her to act like a mature loving mother who can take care of herself.
SaraBT
SaraBT
Scgramma makes a good point, and I didn't think of that. If you lend your car to someone and they sell drugs out of it you'll lose the car - even though you weren't driving it at the time, selling drugs, etc. I don't know if houses fall into the same category, but they might.
fortress
fortress
Don't feel horrified about wishing for the removal of abuse, extreme stress and craziness from your life .... that is normal and healthy. It's also normal to grieve the dgt you had hoped for, but she made other choices. I think it's harder when you know your child to be exceptionaly bright - but sadly, that often doesn't lead to them to be high functioning. I know you had hopes and dreams for your dgt but she's not following script. You have to relate ( or not ) with the dgt that is front of you now. She has greatly taken advantage of you and esp. your absences. I am astounded that dgt moved gf in under those circumstances. Sounds like she believes the house is HERS and she just lets you stay there sometimes and isn't happy about it. WOW ! I'd seriously consult an attorney regarding gd, as sooner or later you are likely to have guardianship ( or co - guardianship ) or custody if you want it.
mammag24
mammag24
The more I write on here it brings to light just how much I have been taken advantage of. She didn't have the right to move someone into my house, especially then saying I wasn't welcome every weekend. I have really just been used and abused by her. My concern has mostly been with my gd but its taken such a toll on me and my sanity/health. They received the eviction notice today and I haven't heard from her. I am just waiting for that argument to stretch my nerves to the end. She thinks that house is hers and I over react to the damage she does. I told her once to go through the house and see how much everything would cost if she had to buy it. (that was after my food processor was broken and my camera disappeared- prob to a pawn shop) She still has yet to do that.

I did talk to my mom today and she thinks it long overdue. She actually wants to call DSS on her. But she does support me in the decision to have her leave. My brother (who is my gd's godfather) wants me to take the baby, but that's so much easier said than done. He said he will pay for lawyer if it comes to that, so I feel comfortable knowing that I have support.

I do thank all you guys for your advice. It feels so good to just get it out and talk about it with others who have been there.

I have decided that I am going to get my hair done tomorrow. I haven't gone to a salon in a year and I just want something for me for once. Of course, that means I can't pay her cable bill- but oh well.
fortress
fortress
Pooh on her cable bill. Enjoy your salon visit.
daisydduck
daisydduck
It's fine to vent but I think you need to be realistic aboutt the situation. You have willingly allowed your daughter to live in your home. You have enabled her. Remember that possession is 9/10's of the law. She could go to court and say that you are throwing her and child out for no reason. Don't get me wrong. I am not defending dd's behavior but you have admitted that you enabled her. There is a chance that she would treat you better if you demanded respect. Did you get her to sign a lease? Even if it is your daughter and considering you do not live in the house except on some weekends, you should have set the rules for her living in your house.At this point, you have activated the eviction process and will have to see what she does. I am not saying she is right and you are wrong. What I am saying is that if you have been passive and allowed her to live there. No rules, no income. She could apply for welfare and receive money to pay rent, which is what she probably will have to do. You are moving in the right direction in sending her on her way but you may suffer loss of time with your granddaughter. Enjoy a little pampering, you deserve it, and be firm with your daughter but remember that if you don't say anything, can you blame her for assuming possession. don't be mad at me. I am just trying to clarify.
mammag24
mammag24
Yes I have willingly let her stay there. But everything in that house is mine expept their clothes. I also still have my BR (last I checked anyway) w/ all my clothes and its still my legal address. I have had a few arguments this week about that and she got the point with the eviction notice. I know I have been used, but I am now putting my foot down with rules.