Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

446 Members
3,703 Posts
0 Online
Seniors
/ Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

Help, New to this

mammag24
mammag24
I have a situation and I just need some advise. I have a 25 y/o daughter that I raised by myself busting my butt working 2 jobs at times to give her a good life filled with sports, vacations, nice home, clothes etc. She never worked in HS cuz she played sports and I didn't want to over extend her. She got a scholarship to college and I bought her a new car. She flunked out by the second semester and became a coke head. Became a butch lesbian and spent the next year getting high and stealing from anyone she could. come to find out she was doing this since she was 15. She had so many tickets her fines were ridiculous. I put her in rehab 2X, paid her rent, paid her fines and always bailed her out of trouble. She has probably worked 6 months in her life. Well 2 yrs ago she got pregnant. She swore things were going to change, she was going to work and be a good mom and all. I let her move in with me and things were fine, she didn't work but had the baby. Now the baby is 18 months old, she still has no job, lives in my house with her "girlfriend" in my house, doesn't pay a dime. I work out of town so I have an apt during the week. But now I hear from her friends that she hates me coming to my house on weekends. Even though all I do is clean and babysit. I bought her a car, paid over $5000 in fines to get her license restored so she could get a job. Still nothing. So now on FB I see she has new girlfriend she met online and has pix w/ her and the baby. I got pissed because you shouldn't bring strangers from the internet around your baby, not to mention your other useless girlfriend is living at my house- that I am not welcome at. I can't take it anymore. I am so tired of her being basically a useless lying moocher who is bankrupting me. I don't have a social life because I can't afford to do anything paying for 2 houses and I just want it over. I told her she has to go, it got ugly and nasty but I just want her gone. The problem is my grand daughter. I adore her and know she is just a meal ticket and chick magnet for my daughter but I have no grounds for custody. I don't know what to do.
JanisJ
JanisJ
I had a similar experience with my daughter. We should have stopped enabling her long before we did. Sadly the end result for us was her death at age 23. Our granddaughter was two at the time. She is now nine years old and will grow up without her mom. It will be hard but you have to quit supporting her. I wish we had. I know you are scared for your granddaughter. Are you prepared to fight for custody by proving she is neglecting the child? If she is doing drugs and you are babysitting all of the time then it sounds like neglect. Is there a father in the picture? Keep a journal documenting her activity just in case you need it later. I am so sorry for your troubles.
daisydduck
daisydduck
Tell her you need to sell the house because you can no longer afford the two. Give her a month to find a place and move. Selling the house may be just what you need. Offer her financial assistance in moving. You probably w/ll not be able to get custody and they will give her rent, food stamps, daycare, etc. Come up with an affordable monthly amount and tell her you will pay it as long as you are allowed to see your gc. Perhaps in time, she will want her freedom and allow you to adopt gc. These are just ideas but you have several issues to cover. Hope it helps.
mammag24
mammag24
I had the house on the market for 2 years during the divorce (which was because I supported her). I am going ot retire in 4 years and want to keep the house for retirement. I am living in an apartment now out of town and go there on weekends. My daughter has had mice and ants all in the house because its in the country and she won't take food off the floors. Not to mention the holes in the wall. It is going to cost me $3-5 thousand to fix what she has done in 9 months. I just want a safe home for my grand daughter. But I am 46 and I don't want to raise a baby, I raised mine and want to enjoy my years. she will never give her up because she can mooch more with the baby then without.
SaraBT
SaraBT
Welcome to the group, Mamma!

I totally agree with Janis and Daisy. I think the question for you to decide is: How much are you willing to put up with "for the sake of your grandchild"?

As you said, and I think you're correct, you don't have grounds to obtain custody. Therefore, the issue to me is your relationship with your daughter. There is nothing you can do to "help" her, since she doesn't want help. She wants handouts and a freebie lifestyle. Are you willing to provide that for her in exchange for stress and humiliation?

She is definitely using your grandchild as a bargaining chip - they all do. If you allow her to live with you and take advantage of you, you still won't have much say in the way your grandchild is being raised. And chances are you'll become angry and resentful all the time.

If you throw her out she may "punish" you by withholding your grandchild. But your own personal life will be more manageable.

My husband and I did much of the same stuff that you did until we realized that Pinky (his daughter) was never going to straighten up. We were fortunate in that she abandoned her three children one weekend to party and we took them in, went for custody and have had them ever since. But Pinky is now irrelevant to us. She continues to swing back and forth between drugs and laziness and determination to achieve her goals (but never does). Without her in our lives we are more relaxed.

Keep coming back -- we're here for you!!!!
redheadfrog
redheadfrog
We too had enabled our daughter. Once we stopped and started telling her to get a job, clean up after herself, take care of her daughtershe became increasingly angry. The night found her and her boyfriend in the garage doing drugs we called the police (our granddaughter was 1 1/2)...they did nothing even though she was on probation. So we told her and the police we wanted her to leave the house, she left her daughter and said she'd return in the morning to get her and never did. The fact that we provided so much care for our granddaughter and she lived with us since birth helped our case for guardianship.
mammag24
mammag24
You are both so right. I do enable her, I just wanted her to be successful because she is so smart but theony thing she uses her smarts for is conning people and lying to get what she wants.
I do want my life back and don't want to raise my grand daughter but I will if I have to. I know my daughter will dump her off with anyone but me because she knows I will take her if need be. Like I said, right now I got one "girlfriend" living in the house, she's out partying with the baby with the other one she met online, my home is being trashed and if it wasn't for me that baby would be sleeping in dirty sheets and crumbs and spoled mike bottles in there. Its digusting but I am so depressed that I just want my daughter out of my life. I hate to say it but she is a useless drain on society and me and I have realized that I cannot ever change her. But I love that baby and want her to have a chance at a good life. She didn't ask to be born into this.
scgramma
scgramma
Been there done that. Finally had to tell her to go. She will find a friend to move in wih. They always do. If you are willing you can tell her you will take the grand when she calls you broke and homeless. That's how I got my gd. Took 8 weeks. 8 months later and I'm getting custody.
I no longer pay utilities and rent. I maintain her car insurance and cell phone . Some would disagree to that but gives me peace of mind. I know I've done all I can do and then some. Honestly You are not helping , you are enabling your daughter to not grow up. I do ask myself if by raising my grands I am enabling g her to avoid responsibility, but I know she cant provide for them . I am both sad and glad to be getting custody for these reasons.
fortress
fortress
Welcome Momma. Sounds as if you're just in the early stages of this 'experience'. You have much to think about and actions to consider. Have you spoken with a therapist or attorney ? She's quite young, but does gd show signs of 'issues' - like how do your dgt's multiple partners affect child? Does child have a bond with bio and vice versa ? Are there other indications of neglect on top of the slothfulness ? Does bio feed and bathe child....... and so forth. Do dgt's partners do most of childcare ? If so, what will happen if/when dgt is without a partner? Since dgt is apparently bi sexual, do you know if she's on birth control ? Does she still use drugs ? I just convinced myself that a therapist would probably be a good step #1 to help you sort out all that must be on your mind. Wish you well, you're in my thoughts.
mammag24
mammag24
I will keep paying for the phone because I want to always know I can contact her. However, the car is a different story. I purchased it for her and its in my name and my insurance. She has had hit and runs in the past and horrible driving record. Because of this I told her she has 2 options, leave the car or show me proof of her own insurance monthly and she can keep it. I cannot afford a lawsuit for her lack of responsibility.
I will say this- she is a good mom and does take care of the baby to a point. My gd does adore her momma, but she takes her out all hours of the night and does God only knows what and lets strangers she met on the internet meet her at the park and such with the baby. I think its not appropriate to meet people from the internet meet your child. My gd was conceived from an apparent drunken 1 night stand, the father doesn't even know she was born. He gave my duaghter $100 when she told him she was prego and hasn't been heard from since.
the baby doesn't have issues, she is a happy healthy smart little girl and I don't think she has ever been hurt, but thats because she has always been under my roof with me providing everything. By kicking them out, that is my biggest worry. All I can do is pray right now, constantly and keep reading my book on letting go of adult children.
Funny thing is my ex mother-in-law called me last night to tell me I am rotten for doing this. This is the woman who threw my ex out of her house dozens of times and has NEVER contributed to the care or upbringing of my daughter- but now she's the expert. I told her to let them come live with her and she said "oh I can't do that, I don't have your money" - well I don't have my money either.
dianaconroy
dianaconroy
I agree with everyone. I too enaed my stepdaughter in the name of protecting the children. But here's the deal, I wish I had stopped long ago. If you kick her out now, what will more then likely happen is that she will be exposed for who she is and more the likely the baby will end up with you. But I know the what ifs that run through our mind. When I first joined this group Thier advice was to let go, everyone advices me of that. It took 4 years, I stopped all support, drivi g back and forth and now wish I had stopped sooner. It's amazing how much "respect" they have for you when you're in control. I suspect that your daughter is probably not being the mother she should be. You might have more grounds than you think.
mammag24
mammag24
Well i am sure that there will be crying days here because I am truely fed up with her. Like I said, I love her but I hate what she is and she is toxic in my life and will be toxic in my gd's. I just have to stick to it this time. I told her when she decided to keep baby and I would help her that #1 she will work and #2 she will not move on her OWN (not w/ friends) until she can afford to take care of her and that baby on her OWN. Well she ran off w/ a girl who was bi-polar a few months ago, moved in with her (had baby sleeping on floor) and I said I was done because she violated the 2 promises that I agreed to. Well a month later she calls freaking out that the girl is a nut job and she needs to get out of there. I rented truck and had her moved back to my house in 3 hours. I never should have let her do that, I should have said, I will take the baby. I just really need the support and strength to say NO and stick to it.
GMaWilli
GMaWilli
Have you considered calling social services & asking them to do a check on the house & well being of your gd? Does she take the child for check-ups & vaccines? If not, that is medical neglect. It really does sound like your grandchild is in neglectful circumstances to me. If you do make a call, I would choose my words carefully regarding her sexuality so they don't look at it simply as a grandma who is angry about her daughter's lifestyle. Always emphasize your only concern is the safety & health of your grandchild. As for the extra person living there, is she paying you? If not, I would most definitely serve her an eviction notice. You may not have a house that's even habitable in 4 years if your daughter continues living there the way you describe. Good luck, & welcome aboard. We all understand what you are facing.
mammag24
mammag24
She does take her to the doctor and all. Thats not a problem. I don't have a problem with her being gay. I have a problem with her meeting people on the internet and bringing them around my daughter at the same time she has one girlfriend living at the house who doesn't pay anything.
I have served them both an eviction notice for October 31.
GiGi923
GiGi923
I would put them all out and when she falls flat on her face, then you can take the baby. Don't go home on weekends. Turn off the utilities and change the locks. Let her wonder about you. She's 25 and is focused on herself enough, so you don't need to bother. Your GD needs you more.
daisydduck
daisydduck
I think you know what you need to but want validation which we have given you. It will be a painful process but can you continue to allow your daughter to take advantage of you? If the house needs over $3000 in repairs now, how much will it be in 4 years? Selling it and banking the proceeds will allow you to decide where you want to live when you retire. Re your gd, I have a feeling that if you give your daughter money on a regular basis,shewill allow you visitation. It's a messy situation and your dreams for your daughter have been destroyed. Make the best of it for yourself. She needs to live her own life now.