Grandparents Raising Children Support Group
This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.
Hi, my fellow grands raising grands. My husband and I adopted our granddaughter a couple of years ago because both my daughter and her ex are immature, narcissistic people, neither of whom wanted to raise their baby. We've had her since birth.
It's been five years of heartbreak trying to maintain a relationship between myself and my daughter, my daughter and my granddaughter, and the bottom line is: failure. My daughter has caused so many fights, so much dissention in the family and so much confusion in my granddaughter's mind, that I had to turn to a certified child therapist. I was lucky to find someone with 20 plus years experience who specializes in young children and their family problems.
He advised me in a very straightforward, confident way that I need to break all ties with my daughter. He said her relationship with my granddaughter will never be a healthy one, that my granddaughter cannot develop emotionally in a healthy way as long as my daughter continues to insert herself into our family dynamics. He said that my husband and I are the parents, that my daughter must learn to accept the adoption and go about her life.
This is so hard for me because I've been codependent with my daughter for at least 10 years. I've bailed her out of so many situations, financially and emotionally, and in between doing that, I've been the outlet for all her abuse. The guilt of telling her that she is now going to have to adjust to not having a relationship with her daughter AND her parents was a very difficult thing to do. But my granddaughter has to come first. And having a bipolar and/or borderline mother and an abusive alcoholic father who has come and gone from her life on a whim has been very confusing and painful for my granddaughter. So all that stops as of right now.
I am mourning my daughter. I know she's mentally ill, but I also know she has chosen to avoid therapy and/or medication to help herself be healed. The price she's paid for this is the ultimate: her family. It absolutely breaks my heart, feels so much like "Sophie's Choice"--just devastating to me. But alas, my fellow grands raising grands, when it comes to choosing between helping a 25 year old woman who has refused to make strides to improve her life and that of her family versus helping an innocent 5 year old child who deserves a happy, healthy environment, the choice is obvious, right? It should be, but it's so difficult to let my grown daughter go.
My granddaughter and I are going to be seeing this counselorseveral times, to help us work through the termination of our relationship with my daughter. The counselor said my granddaughter will adjust fairly quickly, that she's been suffering through all the conflict brought on by my daughter's behaviors (and there have been tons of negative interactions), so he's also going to work with me to help me let go of my relationship. My husband has already emotionally let go of our daughter so for him, this is almost a relief that I've been advised to end the codependent relationship. I find it extremely painful.
Has anyone else here been in this situation? I know several of you have seen the bio parents walk away of their own free will, but have any of you actually been the one to cut ties between the bio parents and their children (your grandchild(ren)?
It hurts!
It's been five years of heartbreak trying to maintain a relationship between myself and my daughter, my daughter and my granddaughter, and the bottom line is: failure. My daughter has caused so many fights, so much dissention in the family and so much confusion in my granddaughter's mind, that I had to turn to a certified child therapist. I was lucky to find someone with 20 plus years experience who specializes in young children and their family problems.
He advised me in a very straightforward, confident way that I need to break all ties with my daughter. He said her relationship with my granddaughter will never be a healthy one, that my granddaughter cannot develop emotionally in a healthy way as long as my daughter continues to insert herself into our family dynamics. He said that my husband and I are the parents, that my daughter must learn to accept the adoption and go about her life.
This is so hard for me because I've been codependent with my daughter for at least 10 years. I've bailed her out of so many situations, financially and emotionally, and in between doing that, I've been the outlet for all her abuse. The guilt of telling her that she is now going to have to adjust to not having a relationship with her daughter AND her parents was a very difficult thing to do. But my granddaughter has to come first. And having a bipolar and/or borderline mother and an abusive alcoholic father who has come and gone from her life on a whim has been very confusing and painful for my granddaughter. So all that stops as of right now.
I am mourning my daughter. I know she's mentally ill, but I also know she has chosen to avoid therapy and/or medication to help herself be healed. The price she's paid for this is the ultimate: her family. It absolutely breaks my heart, feels so much like "Sophie's Choice"--just devastating to me. But alas, my fellow grands raising grands, when it comes to choosing between helping a 25 year old woman who has refused to make strides to improve her life and that of her family versus helping an innocent 5 year old child who deserves a happy, healthy environment, the choice is obvious, right? It should be, but it's so difficult to let my grown daughter go.
My granddaughter and I are going to be seeing this counselorseveral times, to help us work through the termination of our relationship with my daughter. The counselor said my granddaughter will adjust fairly quickly, that she's been suffering through all the conflict brought on by my daughter's behaviors (and there have been tons of negative interactions), so he's also going to work with me to help me let go of my relationship. My husband has already emotionally let go of our daughter so for him, this is almost a relief that I've been advised to end the codependent relationship. I find it extremely painful.
Has anyone else here been in this situation? I know several of you have seen the bio parents walk away of their own free will, but have any of you actually been the one to cut ties between the bio parents and their children (your grandchild(ren)?
It hurts!
Try not to look that far ahead. That doesn`t sound too healthy.
Try and take it, you know, "a day at a time".. Don`t borrow trouble
from tommorrow.
If I were in your shoes, I would probably be doing the same thing.
I`am just trying to relearn new ways of thinking.
Take care of you!
Hugs,
Rosanne
And remember, too, that Pinky didn't take recovery seriously until she had been cut off from virtually every family member and every friend. I think she finally realized that we meant it. We were DONE with her. Being all alone is hard enough; being all alone and a mess must be terrible. I think that's often what it takes to wake some people up. Therefore, cutting them off could be the most loving act we do :-)