Grandparents Raising Children Support Group
This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.
Hi, my fellow grands raising grands. My husband and I adopted our granddaughter a couple of years ago because both my daughter and her ex are immature, narcissistic people, neither of whom wanted to raise their baby. We've had her since birth.
It's been five years of heartbreak trying to maintain a relationship between myself and my daughter, my daughter and my granddaughter, and the bottom line is: failure. My daughter has caused so many fights, so much dissention in the family and so much confusion in my granddaughter's mind, that I had to turn to a certified child therapist. I was lucky to find someone with 20 plus years experience who specializes in young children and their family problems.
He advised me in a very straightforward, confident way that I need to break all ties with my daughter. He said her relationship with my granddaughter will never be a healthy one, that my granddaughter cannot develop emotionally in a healthy way as long as my daughter continues to insert herself into our family dynamics. He said that my husband and I are the parents, that my daughter must learn to accept the adoption and go about her life.
This is so hard for me because I've been codependent with my daughter for at least 10 years. I've bailed her out of so many situations, financially and emotionally, and in between doing that, I've been the outlet for all her abuse. The guilt of telling her that she is now going to have to adjust to not having a relationship with her daughter AND her parents was a very difficult thing to do. But my granddaughter has to come first. And having a bipolar and/or borderline mother and an abusive alcoholic father who has come and gone from her life on a whim has been very confusing and painful for my granddaughter. So all that stops as of right now.
I am mourning my daughter. I know she's mentally ill, but I also know she has chosen to avoid therapy and/or medication to help herself be healed. The price she's paid for this is the ultimate: her family. It absolutely breaks my heart, feels so much like "Sophie's Choice"--just devastating to me. But alas, my fellow grands raising grands, when it comes to choosing between helping a 25 year old woman who has refused to make strides to improve her life and that of her family versus helping an innocent 5 year old child who deserves a happy, healthy environment, the choice is obvious, right? It should be, but it's so difficult to let my grown daughter go.
My granddaughter and I are going to be seeing this counselorseveral times, to help us work through the termination of our relationship with my daughter. The counselor said my granddaughter will adjust fairly quickly, that she's been suffering through all the conflict brought on by my daughter's behaviors (and there have been tons of negative interactions), so he's also going to work with me to help me let go of my relationship. My husband has already emotionally let go of our daughter so for him, this is almost a relief that I've been advised to end the codependent relationship. I find it extremely painful.
Has anyone else here been in this situation? I know several of you have seen the bio parents walk away of their own free will, but have any of you actually been the one to cut ties between the bio parents and their children (your grandchild(ren)?
It hurts!
It's been five years of heartbreak trying to maintain a relationship between myself and my daughter, my daughter and my granddaughter, and the bottom line is: failure. My daughter has caused so many fights, so much dissention in the family and so much confusion in my granddaughter's mind, that I had to turn to a certified child therapist. I was lucky to find someone with 20 plus years experience who specializes in young children and their family problems.
He advised me in a very straightforward, confident way that I need to break all ties with my daughter. He said her relationship with my granddaughter will never be a healthy one, that my granddaughter cannot develop emotionally in a healthy way as long as my daughter continues to insert herself into our family dynamics. He said that my husband and I are the parents, that my daughter must learn to accept the adoption and go about her life.
This is so hard for me because I've been codependent with my daughter for at least 10 years. I've bailed her out of so many situations, financially and emotionally, and in between doing that, I've been the outlet for all her abuse. The guilt of telling her that she is now going to have to adjust to not having a relationship with her daughter AND her parents was a very difficult thing to do. But my granddaughter has to come first. And having a bipolar and/or borderline mother and an abusive alcoholic father who has come and gone from her life on a whim has been very confusing and painful for my granddaughter. So all that stops as of right now.
I am mourning my daughter. I know she's mentally ill, but I also know she has chosen to avoid therapy and/or medication to help herself be healed. The price she's paid for this is the ultimate: her family. It absolutely breaks my heart, feels so much like "Sophie's Choice"--just devastating to me. But alas, my fellow grands raising grands, when it comes to choosing between helping a 25 year old woman who has refused to make strides to improve her life and that of her family versus helping an innocent 5 year old child who deserves a happy, healthy environment, the choice is obvious, right? It should be, but it's so difficult to let my grown daughter go.
My granddaughter and I are going to be seeing this counselorseveral times, to help us work through the termination of our relationship with my daughter. The counselor said my granddaughter will adjust fairly quickly, that she's been suffering through all the conflict brought on by my daughter's behaviors (and there have been tons of negative interactions), so he's also going to work with me to help me let go of my relationship. My husband has already emotionally let go of our daughter so for him, this is almost a relief that I've been advised to end the codependent relationship. I find it extremely painful.
Has anyone else here been in this situation? I know several of you have seen the bio parents walk away of their own free will, but have any of you actually been the one to cut ties between the bio parents and their children (your grandchild(ren)?
It hurts!
I am still in shock that I have to cut all ties with my own daughter to save her daughter. Unbelievable, unspeakable, mind-blowing. But I've told my daughter repeatedly since she was about 18 and had health insurance through various jobs that she needs therapy and/or meds and she has refused to get help. It is due to her inaction that my husband and I are put in this position.
But when a licensed therapist who has been an expert witness in custody/divorce cases tells me this is the right thing to do, I have to take notice. He's objective, he's trained and he's absolutely resolute in his instructions. I am mourning my daughter, and I am mourning on my granddaughter's behalf that her biological mother is such a train wreck that she's not worthy to be around either of us.
The saddest part is: my daughter has been abusive and manipulative for at least 10 years. She almost destroyed my marriage, she has totally alienated her older sister, and she's been hurting my granddaughter emotionally. And yet, I have still continued to let her into our lives with that grain of hope that one day she would "get it." Well, now I've been told formally: she will never get it and we need to say good-bye.
I feel like I'm in shock.
I think your counselor is absolutely right. It would only be destructive to your grand to continue the relationship. Thankfully, you know this now while your grand is 5 and not down road when she's a teen. Can you imagine the conflicts then? At least at this age they have a chance at a normal, peaceful life without all that friction and drama in their lives. They just can't process or handle it like us adults can (most days barely for us I'm sure). If it continued you would have all kinds of stuff to look forward to; ie; behavior issues, resentment, "I want to go live with my Mom", etc.,
I say take what he said as a blessing in diguise. It may not feel like it right now but in the long run, you saved this child from a lot of pain.
My daughter has been the queen of control in my life with regards to so many things but especially when it comes to her daughter. The abuse I have suffered all continues because I want to see my grandaughter. My poor gd has witnesses countess fights between the mother and I. I started going to Alanon a couple years ago and it taughter me a lot about biting my tongue. Its just not worth it. I try for the most part for my gd sake not to go to the fight. Until my d stops using she will never change.
She has custody over her child once again. I wanted to die the day she conned the judge how good she was doing and he gave her her little girl back. This little girl is now 8 and has lived with hell. She relies on seeing me as some sort of stability. Her mother hates that her daughter loves me. Her mother can`t say enough horrible things about me to every counselor, every friend, even my gd. This poor little girl doesnt know what is true or not. She wants so badly to have mommy and grandma get along. But how can we? She is incapable as long as she is using.. Everything is all my fault or everybody elses fault. Never takes any responsibility.. She is 36 going on 6..
Sorry for the length of this.. Maybe I could use a therapist.. I surely am at a loss..I know what you mean about mourning your daughter.
I have done that.. but really I have been too mad I think to fully do it.
I worry for her little girl and all the damage she is doing to her...
Your not alone...
What probably gave my husband and me an edge from the beginning is that neither my daughter nor her ex really wanted the responsibility of raising their child. When my husband and I offered to adopt her and to never file for child support from either parent, etc., they both signed away their rights within a week. Now both bio parents ask to see her just like visiting a puppy. A few hours for their own amusement, then back to their selfish lives. And every visit we paid the price: backlash of emotion, confusion and rage from my granddaughter, and at age 5 she simply had a meltdown that I couldn't ignore. Something HAD TO CHANGE NOW.
It's been almost 24 hours since I met with the new therapist and I am still feeling shock. Cutting my daughter out of our lives, virtually disowning her, that is so surreal. But I do understand the necessity for it, and I can't allow myself to feel guilt because I bent over backwards for 25 years trying to help my daughter and she refused to take any of my advice, to get therapy, get on meds, etc. She laid the foundation for the situation, probably saw it coming (she didn't sound very surprised when I told her she has to let us all go), and on some level she is probably downright relieved. Now my husband and I get to be "the bad guys" in her mind.
I still advised her, yet again, when I told her we had to cut ties, to please get some therapy to work through the pain of adopting out her child. Will she do it? Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm grateful that the therapist is going to help me work through letting go, as well as helping my granddaughter. Thank you all for being here. This forum has saved my sanity at times like this when I have felt so isolated in my pain.
I have cried many days for the return of my GC. I sit back and think, how many times I've cried for something my daughter has done or said that has hurt me and now her children? After looking back I noticed I lost the daughter I knew years ago!
This Thursday her rights are being severed. The Judge is requesting my husband and I to be there. After court last week, I hugged her and told her I love her, and that I will take good care of her babies. I told her "now" boyfriend to take care of my baby. She blogged on her FB ( my husband has her as a friend) that she won last week. She doesn't get it!
I will always love my daughter. The daughter I knew, I wish nothing but the best for her and I hope she gets the help she needs someday. Holidays we are changing up to help the kids and us. We are going to take the motor home out and camp our Thanksgiving with several other families. Christmas, we haven't gotten that far. But for now we are thinking of the future not the past and it's helping us, maybe it will help you.
Who knows, maybe if she truly loses you guys it could be her turning point to get better. You can't worry too much about that because she is grown and that is her problem. Concentrate on what you can affect, your mental/emotional health and granddaughter.