Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

This community is dedicated to grandparents who are the primary caregivers of their grandchildren. In cases where the parents are not willing or able to provide adequate care for their children, grandparents may take on the role of primary caregivers. Join the support group to find support, share your experience, and get advice from other members.

446 Members

3,703 Posts

0 Online

SaraBT 03/11/2011

I really want to know!!!!!

Pinky has been doing very well for about nine months. She seems to be straight. She's been coming down every weekend, helping with homework, being Super Mom, etc. etc.

She says she has a boyfriend who's a born-again Christian, has a great job, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, is responsible, is wonderful, the whole nine yards. I've checked him online and he doesn't seem to have any legal issues. She says he's willing to sell his house in Philly, buy one in our town and raise the kids with Pinky. He sounds wonderful.

Aside from the fact that he's almost 50 years old (Pinky always goes for older mean), he's African American.

I really, honestly don't care about that. If Pinky had met him and had her three kids with him, that would have been fine. He would have been there from birth, and the kids would have grown up with the same mom and dad. Life would have been normal.

But they didn't. They grew up DIFFERENT.

And because he's black, he's DIFFERENT. And our three grandchildren have dealt with DIFFERENT since they were infants. Living in a rehab. Living with Mommy alone. Living with Mommy and Boyfriend #1, #2 and #3. Living with "Daddy" in Texas. Living with drugs and alcohol.

For the past five years they've been in a normal family. Stable. With a male and a female who are related to them,

Will they be freaked out if they go to live with an African American "daddy"? I don't know. I hate to even think this. But to me, the last thing they need is DIFFERENT.

Am I being overly sensitive? Am I being racist? Can you all give me some input?

Thanks!!!!!!!

deleted_user 03/12/2011

Sara, how long have the kids been with you again?

Here are some of my thoughts. If he is willing to relocate - yes. Let him, but insist that you all become "one big happy family". That's what I would insist on if I had a choice in the matter at all. The kids free to come and go between the houses - no court orders. Of course, I would definitely work up to that through the general channels - first supervised visits, then unsupervised, then overnights working up to weekends and eventually weeks. I would insist on full, complete background check done on anyone in the household - him or any children he might have. And I would still insist on drug tests for Pinky.

But that would be in a perfect world where I had anything to say about it. In reality Pinky can go to court and do whatever she wants. She's been clean and she's developing a relationship with the kids. You know the scenario. You've been on here long enuf. If Pinky is willing to work with you and stay out of the courts, I think that is showing respect for the kids.

But that is just one woman's opinions. :)

GMJan 03/12/2011

Sara, I have 2 bi-racial granddaughters who I love dearly, even if I can't stand one of the fathers (But that is a whole different story). I also have a very pale, blond granddaughter, who I am raising. Well, my boyfriend who lived with us was black. We sure made a strange looking family , me, Sherman, Paige, and the two bi-racial girls ,Lyric and Raven, when they lived with us (one still does). Paige was about 4 when she realized Sherman was different. She was amazed by others who looked like him. Sherman was the only black person in the town limits of my hometown when he moved in with me. If Pinky's friend is all she caims I think you should give him a chance. However, with her track record, it would be a long, long time before I would trust her, as I am sure you know. My daughter, mother of Paige, sounds a lot like Pinky, and each new boyfriend was the one who would change her life. Well the last 2 got her prison sentences. Yes, they were wonderful. Just take things slowly, it may not last and if he is that good Pinky will probably scare him off. Sherman passed away from cancer in January of 2010 and our lives will never be the same. Of course, he was the only Grandpa figure Paige ever knew so this not exacty the same situation, but sometimes love doesn't see color. Jan

deleted_user 03/12/2011

I just realized that I didn't actually answer your question directly. To me, his race doesn't enter into the equation. It's all about can they be parents?

deleted_user 03/12/2011

Very good advice, GMJan. Especially about taking it slow and letting it play out to see what happens!

SaraBT 03/12/2011

We'll have had the kids for six years this September! That's more than half if not most of their lives

We will be taking it slow -- GMJan, Pinky could scare him off. He's already supporting her, paying her rent, etc. now. I can't imagine how long he'll be willing to do that. He's going to have to like the idea of having a complete and total dependent in every way. Like an albatross. LOL!

We haven't even met him yet because nothing is permanent - no engagement ring, nothing.

If he had been the grandchildren's natural father and they were bi-racial, living with him from birth in a stable family, that would be one thing. I just wonder if moving to yet another nontraditional arrangement would be good for them.

I am putting the cart before the horse, though, because any permanent thing between Pinky and the boyfriend is most likely a year or more away. She hasn't met HIS family yet, either! So anything could happen.

deleted_user 03/12/2011

I can understand your concern, Sara. And you are right, you probably have at least a year, and chances are that things will never get that far. It amazes me how much time I spend worrying about things that never happen, but I do like to be prepared. :P

deleted_user 03/12/2011

Sara,

I don't think you're racist in any way, shape or form. I think you are being cautious and open minded about this and a lot of things, as you should. You and your husband have been the ONLY stability these children have had in their lives.

I have to agree with granny and JMJan and what they said.

Best of luck to you dear and God Bless you

deleted_user 03/12/2011

Oh gosh, I forgot to add this..

I don't think you are being racist one bit. I DO believe that you are wanting to protect YOUR children and their feelings and emotions. I think you are trying to make sure they are safe. I look at it this way. From what you have stated in your post, it doesn't matter what color Pinky's bf is. It matters that no matter what color the bf is, they would be being raised different. What I mean by this is based on your statements about her track record with men, it's all different and will be different to these children. I know I am probably confusing you but the words aren't coming out right today.

SaraBT 03/12/2011

Gamma, I think I know what you mean :-)

In our town, most of the kids in our grandchildren's classes are being raised by their original mom and dad. In many cases the moms are even stay-at-homes! It's SO traditional, and it doesn't matter which race the families are, they're all so June and Ward Cleaver LOL!

I think what concerns me is that already our kids are different because they're being raised by their grandparents. It doesn't seem to bother them, so maybe I'm blowing this all out of proportion. I just imagine them going from our "different" to a bi-racial family, which would be "different" again.

On the plus side, our grandchildren's generation seems to be virtually race-blind, so maybe they won't feel different after all.

(I also think it's really that we don't want to let Pinky have the kids back no matter what :-0

deleted_user 03/12/2011

You know, Sara, that's what I meant in my original answer. I don't think they should ever be "given back" if you have any choice at all. I think the parents should be treated like the grands and you should remain their parents. Sure, let them go visit if you ever get that far. Sure, let them stay for a week or two. Sure, have them over a lot. Sure have a lot of family outings with everyone. But in the end, the kids know you are their home and their compass.

That's what I meant by "one big happy family". I would never transfer my gs over to either of his parents no matter how much they had gotten their life together after all these years without one heck of a fight! The best they'll ever get out of me is - you come be part of OUR family.

deleted_user 03/12/2011

Well, Sara I hope this new guy is all that! It sounds like a Tyler perry play. I think granny is right in the post above. They can visit and have the kids for a bit but you remain the decision maker. I think the fact that he is black wouldn't be a big deal to the kids or their friends. I think you would be questioning this no matter what color this guy was. You are wise to stay vigilant.

Kat51 03/13/2011

My GS's father is African and our family is white. His mother has dated black men her entire adult life. I've met, and disliked, many of her boyfriends, and some I have liked. It's been my experience that color does not matter at all. What matters is, as in any relationship and family, if the parents have the same values. Their values are what set parent's expectations for their children If the parent's values conflict, the children receive such mixed messages they are confused and feel like they can't win no matter what they do. My best friend's son is dealing with that now - his values are much more traditional than his wife's, and they are both white. I would meet the boyfriend, get to know him, find out what his values are. Color will only matter to the children if you make it an issue.

daisydduck 03/13/2011

I released my first children's book last summer: The Little Boy Who Was Born Purple. It's about Bertrand Robert Smiley who was born with skin as purple as an easter egg and how he and his parents lived with the reactions to his purple skin. It's kind of an outrageous look at racism but gives the children the message that it does not matter if you are different because everyone is born with some difference. It encourages children to embrace the differences, not criticize them. I am strongly critical of polls being publicized on who the black people will vote for, or the hispanics, etc. No child is born a racist; they are made one by the adults in their lives. Children are very accepting. If he is as good as it sounds, he s/be able to talk to the children and allow them to ask questions. There are many here on ds who speak of biracial relationships and the children born of these. Look at the person for who he is, not the color of his skin.

daisydduck 03/13/2011

btw, the book was written mainly for my grandson, who has endured rude comments about having older parents, and my gd who was diagnosed with Type I Diabetes at age 4 and w/turn 12 this year. She frequently has asked the question: "Why do I have to have Diabets, and why do I have to be different". Nothing to do with skin color but definitely differences these kids have had to live with .

SaraBT 03/13/2011

I think you're all right. I think the real issue is that I just don't want Pinky to get them back. Even if she stays straight forever, those years of drug use have turned her brain into mush. She can't even help the kids with 2nd grade math and English! She tries, really hard, but she ends up having to ask me questions about basic word usage. If I look at it objectively it's very sad, because she is trying to be Super Mom. But aside from hair and clothes, she doesn't have much to contribute.

I wonder what her boyfriend sees in her, but I guess I know...LOL. I hope they ride off into the sunset all happy, etc. But he seems way too smart and educated to be happy with her for long.

Time will tell, I suppose...

Join the Conversation

First
1
2
3
Last