Gastric Bypass Surgery Support Group
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my hubby and I have been married for almost 9 years. In the beginning, I wanted what I considered a traditional marriage and relationship. He works, comes home then we sit down to dinner with the girls (his & mine) and discuss our day. Then spend the evening having family time.
Well he AND his mother informed me that if that is what I was waiting for it would never happen and I would just have to deal with it. I did....I started college, got a job, and joined a church. In other words, I filled up my life and time with things that interested me and helped my daughter (not his because she was already perfect and didn't need me except for a babysitter who basically let her behave any way she wanted).
The last 3 years especially I never do anything right....I spend too much time away from home. I do not cook or clean well enough. I am never here when he needs me. Blah Blah Blah.
I do work a full time job, sell Mary Kay, and occasionally do wedding planning. I have also spent the last 5 years working with youth group at church. Everything except for the church pays out.
I do not cook much because he has complained from the get go it is not good enough until the girls have the same attitude...I say let them do it themselves.
My house is not nasty but it is messy and lived in....I refuse to do major cleaning daily because 1) I work 2) it is not appreciated 3) the minute I do clean it up they come through and mess it up. But the biggest point is I am not a MAID
I used to keep an absolutely spotless home but I do not care anymore .
How do I change my attitude? How do I keep from wanting to divorce him? I do love him but the longer we are together the less I feel towards him...
I feel bad about myself most of the time because of the comments he makes.
Well he AND his mother informed me that if that is what I was waiting for it would never happen and I would just have to deal with it. I did....I started college, got a job, and joined a church. In other words, I filled up my life and time with things that interested me and helped my daughter (not his because she was already perfect and didn't need me except for a babysitter who basically let her behave any way she wanted).
The last 3 years especially I never do anything right....I spend too much time away from home. I do not cook or clean well enough. I am never here when he needs me. Blah Blah Blah.
I do work a full time job, sell Mary Kay, and occasionally do wedding planning. I have also spent the last 5 years working with youth group at church. Everything except for the church pays out.
I do not cook much because he has complained from the get go it is not good enough until the girls have the same attitude...I say let them do it themselves.
My house is not nasty but it is messy and lived in....I refuse to do major cleaning daily because 1) I work 2) it is not appreciated 3) the minute I do clean it up they come through and mess it up. But the biggest point is I am not a MAID
I used to keep an absolutely spotless home but I do not care anymore .
How do I change my attitude? How do I keep from wanting to divorce him? I do love him but the longer we are together the less I feel towards him...
I feel bad about myself most of the time because of the comments he makes.
I hope you find your answer. Remember to pray and see where you are led.
It takes two people to make a marriage... And if you are both on different pages, I think it is rather tough... And I can tell you from experience: when Mama gets involved it is a no win situation... I have an ex that to this day still lives with Mama... And he is 51 years old and one of the unhappiest people you will ever meet... But he was a Mama's boy, and what she said was law...
I have read some of your other posts, and it doesn't sound like you have a lot of support right now.... This surgery is hard... Please make sure you are OK emotionally.... I was very OK emotionally pre-op, and really struggling post-op... This surgery has changed my life in so many ways that I don't always know how to handle things... If I didn't have the support I do from my husband, I can honestly tell you I don't think I would be as successful as I am....
I will keep you in my prayers... I hope you are able to come to some decisions that will work best for you....
Lots of people find that the bad relationships that they tolerated before surgery they are no longer willing tolerate post surgery. The reason is that we learn to take care of ourselves, to respect ourselves.
I don't want to tell you what to do. But I don't think I could put up with your married life.
I've been with my "husband" for 21 years half of my life and we are just now really starting to get the links worked out. I use the quotes because we were married for two years, I divorced him and yes I had good reason, but emotionally I wasn't done with him. We got back together shortly after the divorce and have been together since.
In the last couple of years he has really uncovered some things about himself that explains a lot. He is just now really working on his issues and stating to take care of himself. I think because I started taking care of myself.
Take care of you and your daughter and the rest will take care of itself one way or another. Keep your chin up, you are worth it!
so i was reading all the posts and something dawned on me that didn't jump out when i first read your post.
You both have children from other relationships. And that changed what i thought i wanted to say to you.
Being a christian myself, i understand some of the feelings you may be having about leaving/divorcing. It also sounds like he is not a christian? I mean you don't mention his involvement in the church.
So let me try to point out a couple of things.
1) you wanted a traditional marriage - sounds like you wanted to be a stay at home mom, and that didn't happen - but does he work? or is he a deadbeat? is there any good he provides to the family?
2) you don't talk about any physical abuse, but you talk alot about emotional abuse in terms of disrespect to the point your daughters are joining in.
3) all of us can feel under appreciated, and a clean house never stays clean, so could some of your feelings just be normal, but are being heightened because of other issues with him?
4) you don't talk about the type of father he is to your daughter (apparently he thinks his daughter is perfect). this can be very damaging for your daughter.
so with those points made, i must echo that you need to talk to your pastor. while there may be no physical threat, you and your daughter are being mistreated.
sometimes a separation is enough to get a spouse to wake up and change. but the thing is while your attitude is bothering you, you answer isn't to put on a smile and push through. your daughter is learning this is how to treat people you love. and worse yet, that this is how her husband should treat her.
you don't talk much about your church life except to say that you've been doing alot with the youth group. This aspect of your life could be part of the issue. my husband is not a christian. there was a time when he would become very withdrawn the more involved in church i became. Paul tells us not to be unequally yoked. this is hard if you came to Christ after you were married. again your pastor can help you with this. but it if things are as i have assumed this could be a large part of the problem and separation may be in order.
i know i have been long winded, but i think you have a lot more going on than just under appreciation.
God bless you,
Rochelle
I was in a relationship a few years ago that turned emotionally abusive much to my surprise. My top concern (even more than for myself) was what kind of example I was setting for my daughter about how a woman should be treated by a man.
I wish you the best in working through this. You are a wonderful woman and you deserve the best!